Daily Check In #3

I know the struggle. I’d tried many times to quit myself over the past year and each time I’d end up back to the same old routine.

I recently went to my GP and have been referred into alcohol services. Still early days and I’m still drinking but I feel more positive now that I am getting help.

I know it’s hard to take that initial step but you won’t regret it once you do...

My moms friend offered me a glass of wine and I said yes. "What could possibly go wrong?" Well it looks like I had a psychosis/panic attack.

I knew my heart was ok so I didn't freak out. I took 2mg Ativan which helped but I was still feeling a bit anxious so I took 1mg Xanax. I then went to sleep. I can't keep doing this so I have to avoid panic attacks in some way.

I'm completely mentally stupid when I'm having a panic attack. My mom told me to turn on her fan and I barely knew how to do it. "3" was highest and "1" was lowest and she wanted it on low and I didn't know which was high or low.

Just need to put this out there benzos and alcohol don’t mix well together. One could potentially stop breathing and go into cardiac arrest. Having Possible anxiety attack to panic attack to liquor maybe stay away from it all together.

Did you know that an orange will reverse a High...and bring you down not completely but enough to be able to think straight.

Today 3 years 8 months 18 days sober. Glad the app can count.

I haven't taken benzos in 3 days cuz I didnt have any anxiety or panic.

I decided to stay away from even small amounts of alcohol because it triggers panic attacks for some strangely odd reason.

I bought a pack of cigarettes cuz it feels better than vaping or nicotine replacement therapy. Also because I feel upset and stressed about my past, present and future. I'll just try to smoke less.

Other than that I haven't been doing any drugs.

good for you for living a real life with out drugs.
I think vaping is better than smoking because you don't have the harmful smoke. just my opinion.
bizi

I slept 3 hours in the afternoon cuz I needed to sleep. I already slept 11 hours last night. I took a 20mg Adderall that I'm now prescribed but it didn't help. I was supposed to study and hand in an assignment but had to hand it in unfinished. I only did a few questions and the questions suck. They are barely even related to what I'm studying about.

I'm pissed off. I feel like giving up on school but then what will I do? I can't focus and have zero motivation. I feel depressed about this. Everything is going downhill for me in relation to what the universe is doing to me. I'm nothing. I can't escape this hell because I don't know how.

It was better when I took 30mg Vyvanse and then 20mg Adderall yesterday but I can't be abusing these drugs or I'll have none left.

I'll have to keep taking the 30mg Vyvanse instead of the 20mg Adderall until my doctor increases the Adderall to 30mg or 40mg. Maybe that will help but I don't know anymore. I don't know if stimulants can help with negative symptoms of schizophrenia or depression that much. It helps with ADHD symptoms but I still don't feel like doing anything..

I am sorry you are having a rough time.Just take each day as it comes and try to do your best.
you can do this. You are strong and this stuff is hard.
you are worthy of this effort.
bizi

@Desoxyn do you know why you sleep so much? Is it anti-psychotics? I am just wondering.

Idk........ I think it's cuz I'm fighting a cold

I take Seroquel, and I know it makes me very tired, and sleep a lot.

I take seroquel too 100mg to sleep but if I don't take it then I'll get a psychosis/panic attack..

It's probably the seroquel that's making you sleepy. I take 200 mg 4 times daily with 200 being at bedtime. I know I need a solid 10 hours sleep with it, otherwise I wake up groggy.

Don't know how long you've been on it, but I found the sleepiness side effect lessened after a couple of months.

splitimage

Very bloated. I stopped drinking about 2 months ago (yay!). However, that's given way to other addictions - namely sugar and food.

Last night I went out with a group of friends. Although they were doing shots and chugging beer, I wisely chose to abstain.

To compensate, however, I gorged on pizza - about 6 slices. I knew I shouldn't, and that I'd regret it. And sure enough, today is BRUTAL.

I'm sitting here at my desk, and my gut is flowing over my belt. I feel like Chris Farley. Body dysmorphia is a big problem for me...I've been told that I've lost weight, but I don't see it.

Hope things improve; feeling like Jabba the Hut is definitely not good for my mental well-being!

Had my next appointment today. Things are moving forwards ok... managing to make some cut backs.

I’ve not been sleeping well though. Either too much or too little. Hoping that’ll resolve itself soon.

I’ll update my thread with more details tomorrow.

I have 3 weeks of constant studying and I have to work as well. I'll have to skip skiing for the rest of skiing season.

I took one Vyvanse today but I wanted to take two.

I feel like abusing my vyvanse and adderall to get studying done.. I took 4mg xanax yesterday but I'm going to stay away from it.. I'm just sick of everyone drinking alcohol and having fun and I can't drink..

Everything is all in my head. Its mind over matter thing whatever that means..

Have you tried Benadryl? My pdoc put me on 25mg per night for 1.5 yrs and it helped. Was able to get off of it fairly easily as well

so how do you get to sleep these days?
bizi

I am in constant pain and I want relief and been told by my friends that If i do any hard drugs they will beat me...my neighbour who also is a good friend also told me that if I buy a bottle for myself she will smack me upside the head with it. Encouraging eh?

Good to know they want me to stay clean. I have an addictive personality so vice is shopping and I do a lot of it. Some times it gets me in trouble because i spend money I should be using on groceries. You know the things you eat not the things you use like my over stock of paper products sitting in my cupboard. Anyways i been up for too long sleep is calling my name...

I took 3mg xanax then abused my adderall a little and I started crying. I started thinking about my family and life and the world and how I'm screwing everything up. I don't want to be high. I don't even know why I used to get high in the first place.

Once I had 10g of powder that is as potent as hydromorphone but more euphoric and I started crying and told my mom and sister about all my drugs and they threw them away. Otherwise I would have definitely overdosed and I don't want to leave my family behind.

I just wanted to study but my mental health makes me want to abuse drugs but it's not fun anymore. It's shallow to me. So many things for me are becoming shallow. Except talking about addiction and how shallow it is to be high on dangerous drugs for "fun".

I'm done with this. I really am. I guess you can say I relapsed and hit rock bottom again and all the feelings that come with it feels like failure. Caring about what other people think of me about my drug use makes it worse. Like I'm nothing. Yet people all they do is talk about sex. I don't want to live in this world where such bad things happen.

All people do when not working is go out and drink alcohol and try to get laid. I don't care or see the point of "Having fun" when no actual intellectual conversations happen like people just ignore their feelings and problems and mask it with alcohol and saying "How are you?" without giving a **** what the other person is feeling. People are fake as hell and do stupid things because they are stupid.

good for you for going to your family!
You can be very proud of yourself for this.
well done
bizi