Daily Check In #3

I am agitated/antzy.
not good.
bizi
I hope I can sleep tonight.....

I feel like buying thousands of xanax because I'll run out in about a year

I finally slept last night!
bizi

Went to a Double Recovery meeting last night and it was really good. The topic was self care and self compassion. I like the DR a lot more than AA. I'm probably going to go to another one Thurs. morning.

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2 YEARS!

Yay! UpDownAround.

2 years is awesome. Big Congratulations.

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Back to a day, but I'm not sorry it's my journey. I'm discovering what healthy sexuality looks like for me.

Well done @UpDownAround!!!

I have 13 days till 4 years...

Awesome Greentires. Can't wait to celebrate with you.
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I notice that I'm afraid of getting high. I haven't been completely high in a very long time. Even with the ketamine, I only snorted 30-50mg at a time when 200mg is what people usually snort. Once I snorted 100mg and it was great but I didn't do it again. MDMA gave me a panic attack so I threw that away, I snorted 20mg meth and then threw that away, snorted 50mg cocaine and threw that away, smoked 10mg DMT and threw that away..

I'm afraid to get high after my bad 4-AcO-DMT trip. It scared me right into taking only very low doses of drugs.

That's all I take now is low doses of drugs. I don't even drink more than 2 drinks of alcohol anymore.

I'm just scared of drugs now. Maybe that's a good thing. I bought some phenibut (Phenyl-GABA) to take twice a week to replace xanax. I'll probably take only low doses though. I don't get high on xanax. Just enough to make me sleep.

Right now I'm very OK with being sober. I don't crave any type of altered state of consciousness right now. I find my sobriety and my reality to be very interesting.

I used to take ungodly quantities and different amounts of drugs. Now I'm just chill.

I know ibogaine is the best drug for addiction. I heard about a heroin addict that tried ibogaine (A psychedelic) and he had a really bad trip where he took it, then realized he had heroin in his packsack and injected it. Then he died from overdose. After the trip, he realized that it was all a hallucination and then he never touched heroin again. That's kind of what happened with my bad trip. I'm too scared to ever escape reality again because it was so horrifying to know all the secrets to the universe and completely die from ego death and then come out of it completely spiritual.

I'm in mourning. Cocaine does not make me thin. I finish up my lines and the first thing I think is, "CHEESEBURGER!"
So much for that diet programme.
I can't find anything to take away the hunger. Balls.
Balls to cocaine. I had such high expectations for you...

Speed I heard makes you really skinny...cocaine is downer so you put weight on. But it’s a personal preference of course. Unless you stop and become sober would the weight fall off or would you still dream of cheeseburgers?

Five months and one week today! I would have posted a week ago but I've been in the hospital for 13 days... I'm feeling better tho. I hope we've found the right antipsychotic for me this time. They also upped my antidepressant while I was there and put me on a supplement for self harm urges. The supplement is a little expensive but it works pretty well so I think it's worth it.

childofchaos, Sorry you had to go to the hospital, but am glad you're feeling a bit better. Hope the new meds help. And congratulations on the sober time.
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Returned to AA recently having been drinking quite heavily for past few months. Very happy to be back. Might check in here from time to time too.

I opened the fridge and there was a choice between beer and ginger ale.

I. Chose. The ginger ale.

I'm too scared to smoke toad venom so I'll just leave that for a rainy day

Desoxyn, way to go on choosing the gingerale. That's fantastic.

And yeah - I'd stay away from the toad venom.

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...8 days to go...what kind of party should I hold last year I made food and no one attended. People did however show up for cake and crash it afterwards looking for goodies. I guess it was good sort of. This year surviving to my year 4 of sobriety I don’t know how I feel about it yet. Definitely want a cake though.

Definitely have a cake, if that's what you want. What flavour.

I have a friend, who got sober about 15 years ago, now, and she had the best 1 year sober party I've ever attended. It was in the summer, so her then fiance threw her a BBQ and then an ice cream sundae bar for desert. They had about 6 different flavours of ice cream, and tons of different toppings and you made your own sundae. It was excellent.

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Meds;
Invega Sustenna 150mg every 28 days
Seroquel 4x 25mg (Optional at night)
Olanzepine 5mg PRN
Vyvanse 40mg (Morning)
Ativan PRN
Atenolol 2x 50mg (Morning and night)

Vitamins;
Vitamin D 1000ui (Morning)
Vitamin E 800ui (At dinner)
Vitamin B12 5000mcg (Dissolve under tongue in morning)
Fish oil 4x 900mg triple strength
Melatonin 10mg (Optional at night)
Broccoli sprout extract 600mg (60mg sulforaphane in morning)

Nootropics;
CBD
5mg THC gummies
Psilacetin 5-10mg (0.5-1g shroom)
Phenibut
Phenylpiracetam
Low dose alcohol
Nicotine (Spray and cigarettes, vape)
Kratom 2-5g
Caffeine

Anti-anxiety;
Xanax 1-2mg

I never really get high at all anymore.. But I'm using a lot of crap..

I made 11 days in a row. I thank heaven for another 24 hours.

Way to go puzzclar - take it an hour at a time if you have to.

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I'm craving a type of high.. A tingling sensation in the skin.. clear headed, creative, productive, relaxed and sedating, worry free, euphoric high.

What drug could that be? idk..

Had the day from hell yesterday. Went out for lunch yesterday and there was wine in the salad dressing. Just enough to trigger an antabuse reaction. Spent the afternoon, puking my guts out, heart racing and hyperventilating. Barely slept last night and had vivid nightmares.


Still largely feel like crap this morning, but need to go out and pick up meds.
Note to self - be way more careful in the future.

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