Daily Check In #3

You're back here, so you haven't given up. Deep down, you seem to know you need to beat this. You just have to come up swinging until you do.

I'm so depressed and lost. I think about suicide on a regular basis but I know I can't go through with it so I get high instead. Or I cut myself instead. I just need some help.

Right now I feel like I have a benzo hangover and I'm sleep deprived and I'm smoking just non stop the stress is real.

A friend was walking towards me with her friend from the liquor store and they were carrying booze and they said "What are you up to?" and I said "I'm buying booze" and they laughed.

I'm going for a walk with my mom at 6. She can't know about the bottle of jack I bought so I drink alcohol at night. I took a shot of moonshine. Quite immoral if you ask me but she called me to go for a walk after I drank it.

She was the one that told the liquor store to stop serving me when I was 18 because I drank too much. Now her excuse is that I have schizophrenia.

I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just sick of this high dose antipsychotic medication and I feel nothing anyways.

I'm playing guitar with a friend at 8 and left my pint of rum at his place.

How do I even know I have a problem with alcohol? I just want a buzz. I'm a stimulant addict and think psychedelics are healing. I hate opiates because they make me feel numb and they're impossible for me to get addicted unless I'm in physical pain.

I'm just impulsive. I don't want mental health problems.

So yeah, that's my update...

I feel like a complete worthless waste because my mom said she would control my money if I buy alcohol again. She's drinking alcohol right now.

She could smell the shot of moonshine I drank but I didn't tell her about the bottle of jack.

I don't see the problem when I was happy and now I'm in so much mental pain because I'm being controlled.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'm sick of all this confusion.

I was sitting on my bed and she came in and I said that she shouldn't be drinking with her heart condition and then she started crying denying that she was going to control my money and about her problems and because I drank a moonshine (It was only a shot) and all this other confusion.

She says arguing gives her heart palpitations.

Now I feel even worse about everything.

Edit: I gave her a hug and said sorry I'm so mental and she said it's ok and that I have to be honest with her so I told her about the bottle of jack. She told me to put it in the freezer.

I'm only to drink a shot or two with a mixer. That's only if I feel like it.

I think that's a good compromise and doesn't make me feel like I need to drink so much to rebel because I can't have any.

Other drugs I stay away from of course.

I missed IOP yesterday because I had a seroquel hangover and just slept in too late. So I have to go today. But I think I'm also going to go for acupuncture again today. Hopefully it will relax me, the way it did on Mon.

splitimage

I'm not confused, well maybe I am.

I let go in an image of a positive solution.

You need to say that, in those words, to a health care professional. It's really important.

I called around to every rehab in this area and surrounding areas... No openings til fall. I might go to emerge today...

Heheheh!
Pic not showing for me but it say 11 mos 30 days...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Staying up until midnight?

Congrats childofchaos. That's awesome.

I went for acupuncture again yesterday, but it wasn't as calming as there were people in the next room, talking really loud, and it was a distraction to meditating. But I still felt a little more relaxed. And I had the technician put the seeds in my ears for the weekend.

I think it's definitely helping me with staying sober.

splitimage

I did stay up past midnight, but not for this. Since the hospital I haven't slept very well. Gonna hit my normal meetings today.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Are you getting a cake? Or going somewhere to celebrate your one year cake?

Congratulations childofchaos!!

Out of curiosity what app do you use to count how long its been?

the addict in me and the borderline in me are good friends right now and they're both fighting for the steering wheel

Green, I don't think I'm getting cake. Unless someone wants to go after the NA meeting tonight... I'm going to AA for the medallion and then sneaking in to the last half of my old NA meeting for the keytag. AA is at 8 and NA at 830 so it makes it hard, but I'm gonna try. I also didn't sleep well, woke up way earlier than I wanted to after not getting to bed til late...

Skye, I use IamSober. Someone else in this thread uses it and I liked it and asked the same question! Its better than the other counting apps out there in my opinion. You can also get daily motivation push notifications thru it which I like.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Woohoo! Booya and awesome! Way to stick with it. I hope to join the club soon. But today is your day; enjoy it!

Take it away from them. Rational Jess, who knows life will be better without the drugs, needs to steer.