Abusing alcohol and can’t cut back

I had stopped drinking for 2 years because of all the meds I’m on for my Mental and physical disorders but when my dad died 3/24/19 I began drinking and it quickly became heavy drinking. I know in the past I drank heavily when I drank and would hide drinks from friends and drink more than others. But I was able to stop. Now when I go out to a bar I bring along a strong mixed drink in my purse so I can order like 2 glasses of wine but then go to the bathroom and drink my mixed drink so I don’t know how many drinks I end up having. 4? The drink is pretty strong. They don’t know I drank that. I even bring it along to other friends houses so they don’t know how much I drank or if there isn’t enough available to drink to get the feeling I’m looking for. I just want to get numb and once I feel it I have a great time and forget all my worries. This has led to me having sex with 4 people since my dad died. One unprotected which led to me having to get all std tests after. I was really drunk when we had sex. It was an ex of mine and I just let it happen. I want to hang out with friends so I can have wine or mixed drinks with them over at my house or go out to a lounge/bar. I am drinking like every other day or every day. It just cheers me up and I can let loose. Problem is my boyfriend who I got back with - but I’m still seeing two other people - said he likes me better when I drink because i Loosen up. That doesn’t help me to stop drinking. Sometimes I sneak drinks at his house because he Doesn’t drink / he’s a recovering alcoholic. He doesn’t seem to notice that I smell like alcohol after 3 shots of vodka but I just get so anxious I feel I need it. I can’t just sit and watch a movie. I know this is a problem and I don’t want it to become full fledged alcoholism. I don’t really crave alcohol. Only sometimes. And I don’t drink in the morning. Only on a few occasions I’ve had wine at like 2 with lunch but then don’t have any more alcohol til like 6. I feel depressed about my dad and so confused about life. I just want to escape and have fun and go out or have friends over and sing and dance to music. I got wilder with Sex and two of the guys love it. But it’s not really me. I don’t want to tell my dr about this because i Don’t want any kind of alcohol abuse in my medical record. I just feel it’s a phase. I’m just afraid of complications. I stopped eating when my dad died too so I’m always drinking with very little or no food in my stomach. I starve myself to drink because i Don’t want so many calories. I’m afraid I’m also suffering from disordered eating since he died. I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks and am not gaining it back because i Don’t eat well. Any suggestions? I am obviously not doing well. Went to a grief support group. It didn’t help much. I miss him terribly. Just want to escape. I do have friends who say I can talk to them if I need them but I don’t want to talk about this or always say I’m not doing well. After two months I want to show improvement.