Do I bother preventing a full blown relapse?

Maybe I'm already in a (polysubstance abuse) full blown relapse. I'm not using/drinking every day, and I think most of the time I do I'm dissociated and it doesn't feel like it's *me* doing it.

In the past week and a half I've drank quite a bit, alcohol being my DoC, but as soon as I got up this morning I went wild on quite a few different things, uppers and downers. It's really hard to find weed here without going to other New England states that doesn't have other stuff in it (I've had a lot of trouble finding weed that was JUST flower without leaving the state), so that was a little careless of me too.

I don't know. It doesn't feel like a problem right now. I'm still at the point, I think, that if I just chose to, I don't have to go back to needing to be under the influence all or most of the time, but kinda don't want to be present in my life. I haven't for a long while. Not sure if I ever was.

Denial! It is strong with you.

You're right. I'm an addict; I shouldn't be fking around with anything. I'm going to not waste what I have left then do some therapeutic microdosing maybe even to prep for actual psychotherapy so I'm more open with her, maybe with someone trusted that doesn't get paid just to tell me to use coping skills and come up with crisis plans. I know it's "an illegal substance," but I have NEVER met someone who abuses mushrooms. I've even met people who go into it wanting to gain insight and perspective and a plan to improve their life, and it works for them. I've only done shrooms twice but it was on top of a mountain doing enough to trip and just enjoying the wind and the milky way, feeling intimate with the other person and nature.

Nammu, you are our Yoda.

Eta - i mean, our Yoda you are.

I have no clue why I drink. You'd think would cause some kind of inebriation. It's just harder to keep my eyes all the way open, and that might even just be from the weed, the fact I only got like four hours of sleep last night and have spent like 15 hours of the past week or so driving which I find incredibly exhausting. I'm really starting to think with the more frequent prolonged dissociative episodes I've been drinking/using more than I realize because having this much used to make me lay on the floor all day and totally lose any ability to think, even without the other substances I've used today (which were also enough that I'd expect to have a much more significant impact than they had). A cop even passed me when I was on my way to the dollar store and didn't even talk to me about public intoxication after most of my AM substance abuse. wtf? Did he not care or was it not obvious? It's not the most crime ridden area of the state, not like they don't have better things to do. Even the guy at the liquor store yesterday didn't card me. At the smaller stores (further from the border, maybe that has something to do with it? I'd think it the opposite) they used to always card. Do they not care or do they know me?

Maybe if I use hours of the day actually sleeping, showering, eating, I don't know walking dogs or some crap I wouldn't spend my days gertting high, drunk, binging & purging, sleeping with people other than my partner, or SHing in the traditional ways. I do think I have a "part" whether in a DID way or a regular just way everybody gets that wants to avoid the feels of trauma in these ways that is especially strong causing me to struggle with all this. Just gotten work with that part somehow.

Am I in severe active alcoholism when I only remember drinking three times in the past week, but really only piece together what happened over half the time based on stuff I've written/texted or have videos/pictures of?

I'm just perplexed at how my tolerance is almost as high as it was when I was excessively drinking every day. Detox was rough even with benzos, so now I'm wondering if that's going to suck and maybe need help medically for that.

Because when I’m manic I hung out with dangerous people who drugged and drank. So it’s been more than I few times to was pushed into user’s rehab, despite not using when I’m stable or depressed. One thing I think I remember from those classes is that no matter where you are in tolerance, or how long you stop for you go back to that level of when you. Start again. Every time. So if you had high tolerance you still have high tolerance. But at some point your liver will stop working and boom, it won’t take much at all.

Usually alcoholics have high alcohol tolerance. More you drink more tolerant you are and more you need to consume in order to be drunk. That’s how it works. Eventually you need two bottles and then three and then your organs will give up

I wonder how you can afford all this alcohol if you are homeless with no income? It’s so pricey

I looked it up and multiple reliable sources confirmed my initial thought that after a period of sobriety does decrease your tolerance. Not to the point it was before the first time you drank, and the "baseline tolerance" when you're not drinking for a while does increase each time you significantly relapse. I must've really increase my baseline tolerance since that major relapse I had last summer.

Also, when you have the motivation of addiction, no self-respect, and a vagina, anything is possible.

When does a "lapse" turn into a "relapse"?

I believe in an all-or-nothing notion of a relapse. If you are an alcoholic, drinking any amount is equivalent to playing with a fire that can quickly get out of control. I have two full bars in this home, yet I never drink any for one of three reasons. I drank heavily in the military but quit as soon as I was back home. Next, I watched my father try to self-medicate for years to control his inner demons. The last reason is that I want to think as clearly as possible while I can. I am on so much medication it could be dangerous. No one loves a drink of alcohol as much as I do. I can wipe out most of an entire bottle of Chivas Regal in one day, or I could. I have not done that for 18 years and have no plans to start. No one can answer that question for you but yourself.

I definitely believe in total abstinence for addicts, but that's why I like the idea of differentiating between "lapse" and "relapse." I have had definitive lapses that I wouldn't say are completely relapses, but I feel like I have to define them as a step back to sorta warn myself. Like looking out for early warning signs with bipolar to at least make an attempt to catch it before being completely absorbed by the addiction.

A couple months back when there was a ton of snow and ice on the ground I hiked to some remote waterfall with a buddy and once we got there we just dilly dallied around seeing the frozen water from different angles--ledges near the top, open area by the pool, half way up sorta next to it in the ravine, wherever--and on the way there we picked up a 6 pack of ginger beer (only 6% abv, and when I'm in the midst/towards the end of a bender it gets up to about 1/5th of vodka a day). We each had one at the waterfall and one when we got back to his house. That was the first time I drank in three months, and I did not drink again for another three-ish months, my motivation being staying at a homeless shelter that breathylizes everyone when they let you in, knowing full well I in theory could have a few in the morning and be able to pass by 7:30pm, but that in practice I definitely would not keep that up for long if at all. I wouldn't call the two drinks of fking ginger beer four hours apart a relapse, but it's definitely taking a step on a slippery slope.

I think this helps a bit when I'm in a somewhat decent headspace (don't have the eff-its). Calling it a relapse kinda makes me think "welp, already screwed up, if I'm going to relapse, I might as well keep it up" because saying plain ole' "relapse" doesn't really differentiate between a beer with a buddy or not going a day without drinking for months. Maybe it's the borderpolar in me trying to challenge all or nothing thinking and applying the levels of elevation in bipolar (I like saying "hyphy" (guess in addiction terms this is the urges/behaviors leading up to the actual drinking/using) before legitimate hypomania which I want to relate to a lapse possibly leading to the next step if I'm not careful, and then obviously mania after--serious relapse).

I guess there's no hard answer to when to start calling it a relapse, which kinda drives me nuts. I don't think I've drank more than twice in a week without spiraling towards daily binge drinking, so in reality in the situation there really is no middle ground to need to specify the line.