Still going

4 days shy of 5 months sober. This is the longest I've gone since I first began using when I was 15. Never have made it this far and it hasn't been easy. Grief, abandonedment and life's other dishes it has force fed me; none of it has made this any easier. And I've never felt more alone. Sobriety feels like a prison sentence these days. And it's all too little, too late. I want to believe in it again. I just don't.

Well done on sticking with it through the really tough emotions. That's hard. Sobriety doesn't always feel good, but for me eventually sobriety became so much better than life was for me drunk that now it's an easy choice. Take it one day at a time and if you can talk with people about how you're doing - that helped me.

Active addiction to me feels more like a prison sentence. Sobriety is more of a walking on a warm Neptune sorta deal.

I think I've realized that my prison isn't sobriety or active addiction. Sounds cliche and cheesy, but it really is my mind. Or perhaps, better, the walls in which I've created in order to protect myself. Just like the drinking and drugging turned sour, so did my mental isolation. I imprisoned the most pure, innocent and caring piece of me. No visitation. That person needed comfort and I built an 8x 12x brick cell instead.

"Brick by brick my citizens. Brick by brick." And day by day. I can get there. I will get there. I have to. I need to know the feeling. I'm not sure what "living" can feel like without it being a lie. I'll get there, eventually. I'm choosing to believe that right now. For my sake and sanity, sure. Mending my soul and trying to heal my spirit, more so.

Wonderful achievement, congratulations!

About the prison sentence, well, indeed. But for me, it is not just the sobriety. Or active using. It is life itself. Sentenced for life, on prison planet Earth, without the possibility of a parole. I am writing my reply to you from my cell right now. Just because i can come and go as i please, and i have the keys, does not make this a home. No place has ever felt like home.

Currently it is the morning of my clean + sober day 8. Hoping to make it where you are, regarding the duration of being clean and sober. And beyond. I could take about 15 eternities at first. Then re-evaluate, has alcohol and drug free life been worth it? Then end up with the conclusion that it definitely has been worth it. Then go another 15 eternities clean and sober. But... one day at a time. Sometimes that is way too much. Honestly sometimes i go 30 seconds at a time.

I am not gonna say "Good luck!" to you. These things have nothing to do with luck, whatsoever.

What i am gonna say, is: Stay strong. Please don't give up. "Nothing worth achieving comes easily, without much effort".

Tread lightly.

6 months off alcohol now. I never quite dedicated to quitting everything at once due to the state of my overall mindset. I'm different now. Now I'm wanting away from all of everything.

For myself, marijuana is medicinal but I do hope to eventually lessen that to a more practical point. Other than that, I've done nothing for about a week. Offers, turned them down. I just don't see the appeal as I once had.

Step 4 of the program and it's whooped my ***, as expected. My sponsor has been essential, along with meeting and stepwork. I'm discovering who I am, which I've truthfully never known.

I still want this and I still need this. I deserve this and it's a sentence to a life of something I've never understood. A lot changes in a month. This was interesting to look back on.

Well done on 6 months, and on tackling step 4. Step 4 was a bit of a game changer for me - not right away but it gave me the insight that I didn't want to be "that" person which gave me motivation to change. The change was definitely slow and hard but like sobriety was worthwhile and helped me become a better person.

I'm not the person I thought I was. Not the monster I tried so hard to portray. I just didn't know there was another way, that I didn't have to pretend. Pretending I was a wolf but never was capable to have the heart of one.

I'm weighted down with guilt and shame. I haven't confided in anyone yet, nor my higher power for what I've done. Can't seem to figure out what's keeping me restrained.

Thinking of you...

Congrats on your sobriety Mtn.
I’ve had my share of quitting too, back and forth, in and out for years.
It’s only about 4 months for me now and however I would like to be certain that this is the last time that I will quit, I can’t be. And for the sake of future me, who may relapse, I won’t let him be buried under the accumulated burden of guilt.
I’ll forgive him, me, and I’ll try again.

There is a phrase that I tell myself when the urge hits something fierce..”having isn’t the cure for wanting” and I’ve proved that true everytime I relapse, because the wanting shifts.. from wanting a drink to wanting to quit..ad infinitum.
Even wanting to quit is a fallacy, there is something deeper at the heart of it.

The solution lies maybe in the act of not wanting either.

one year, two months and eight days since my last drink. eight months off of anything else (other than cannabis). currently only smoke when i absolutely must for pain that can't be managed with tylenol.

this is the best i've felt since i was fifteen/sixteen. i'm finally growing up and becoming someone i can respect. not without bad days, but they're so much more manageable than ever before, and they don't seem to last as long. who i am, who i always was hidden within the constant state of numb, is someone worth the journey and effort i have put in.

it gets easier, even with still having cravings come and go. but that's the key, they always go as they came.

Big congratulations on hitting over a year, that's huge. I'm so glad that you're seeing the benefits of sobriety.