[salukigirl]

So I live in a college town. And every year, in the middle of january, a bar hosts this thing called Polar Bear. Basically people start drinking at like 9 a.m. in the beer garden on the coldest day of the year and the place is always packed. Ive never been to it before but apparently my boyfriend goes every year.

My dad is an alcoholic and has been as long as i can remember. And I also used to be in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with an alcholic. So every time I think about this Polar Bear thing coming up I picture my current boyfriend being in that state. I know that hes not like that. My dad would come in the house stumbling and went to jail for domestic violence one night when he tried to strangle my step-mom while he was drunk. Hes also had a few DUIs. But I know that John (my boyfriend) isn't like that.

Ive seen him drunk before and gone to bars with him before. He knows his limits and will stop drinking when he feels like hes had enough. Ive never seen him stumbling or anything like that. And when he gets drunk he doesnt get angry. He goes the opposite route and gets very cuddly, loving etc... So I cant understand why I always picture him stumbling in the door ready to beat me up. I know he's not my dad or my ex but every time he asks me "so are you coming to Polar Bear with me this year?" I cant help but picture him in that way. And I know if I don't go Ill just sit at home worrying that he's like that at the bar but I cant bring myself to see him like that.

Weve only been together about 3.5 months and he knows about my abusive ex and that my dad is an alcoholic but doesnt know quite to the extent. I don't want to tell him everything and have him sit at home and not have fun because hes afraid to upset me. And I don't want to not go or be upset and not tell him and then have him get mad at me for being a tight wad or something. But I still have that image in my head. How can I teach myself that he's not like that? Any time he does anything that triggers me he says "Im not your ex" or "Im not your dad". And even though I know he's not like that, my mind still plays tricks on me.

[Lenny]

Maybe a bit of compromise...stop in for a couple of hours...enjoy some moderate drinking..some laughs..get "cuddly" and go home for some relaxing...

IMHO.

Lenny

[multipixie9]

i went through a lot of abuse in childhood and there was some alcohol involved at times. when a person has been hurt by abuse sometimes they need some help to "get past the past". somewhere inside you are still feeling frightened and vulnerable and hurt by the alcoholics in your past.

i would recommend going to a 12 step program like al anon or adult children of alcoholics and begin to work on your own hurts, habits and hang ups that came from living around alcoholic family and boyfriend.

another option is to go see someone who can help you in counseling to work through the pain and fear that are keeping you seeing life through alcohol colored glassses.

anyone with your past and the fear you mention needs some kind of help and there's nothing wrong with that. many people need help dealing with issues in their past that somehow still affect the present and even possibly the future. take care of yourself so you can be well enough to enjoy your life and not live now in fear of the past. i wish you healing and success!

leslie and the pixies