18 years sober today!!!!**grateful**

i'm so incredibly grateful today!! 18 years ago today, i began my journey of continuous sobriety. for me it was a rebirth. i'm so overwhelmed with wonderful emotions i can't even tell you all how very, very happy i am. in south carolina they call it your "birthday". well that's how i feel. this day is more important to me than my irl birthday.
my life as a drunk was so hopeless. i had no "self". i was chained to the bottle every waking minute, every waking hour, of each day. i only saw and felt despair. i felt that i could never throw this deadly yoke off my neck.
i tried multiple times to get and stay sober. my failures only convinced me that i had no way out but one. i would pray at night for God to take me, i was so desperate. i went to a 12 step program of recovery, AA. i saw the happy faces in the rooms and wanted that for myself so much but felt it could not happen to me.
i finally went to the "walnut factory" (psych ward ) in a private hospital setting. you see rehabs only had a short positive affect. that should convince the doubters, if any, of how very "sick" i was. once the alcohol was out of my system (again) and i started to feel better i then became increasingly anxious that the pdoc would release me. i knew i would drink as soon as i got out even tho i wasn't craving it. that's called insanity. jme, if i drank again i had a destructive plan. i just couldn't go on living that way. the real insanity of it for me was, i lived to drink and if i drank i didn't want to live.
one night in the hospital feeling incredibly desperate, i got on my knees and prayed. i talked to God and told him if He was really there i needed his intervention. i told him i couldn't fix this. my way hadn't worked. i "pleaded for His help with complete abandon." i told him i was hopeless and helpless. i ask him to lift this obsession of drinking. (i didn't know that a miracle was in the making.) then i went to bed. the next morning i awoke with this little tiny feeling of HOPE . it was as small as a mustard seed, i later told my sister. i was so afraid it would go away i was afraid to tell my pdocs. 3 days later i did. once i knew that this hope had been given to me i remember telling myself i must never forget this moment in my life when the God of my understanding did for me what i could not.
the first five years of my recovery i had a healthy and yes, fearful, perspective of my sobriety. i needed to do whatever was necessary to protect my newly gained sobriety as the alternative was not an option anymore. as a result i made as many meetings as i could to reinforce the positives & to be reminded of where i had come from. 6 months sober i got a part-time job. i was terrified!! 6 more months later i reentered my professional career in corporate management in manhatten, ny. my sponsor, who now has 54 years sober , told me i must always and forever keep my sobriety first in my life. even over family. even over my career. i managed to heed her words and kept a diligent focus on my sobriety.
i got active in AA and cleaned tables, made coffee, etc.and reached out to the newer newcomer. later i chaired meetings. served as chariman of group conscience. (we were a club house and had 80 aa meetings a week so had to have a great big group conscience meeting once a month.) i became a sponsor to women when asked. even tho my life has moved on to other states i still have contact with many of these people i met along the way. i consider them my best friends...some are more like family to me, than my irl family. i continue to reach out to others. i continue to go to meetings and serve if asked.
i was asked by my sponsor who now lives in florida to go down there when she received her 50 year coin. what an honor to be asked to be there!!! she had taught me about the spiritual part of the program. early in sobriety she invited me to join her on a spiritual retreat-3 days. about 15 minutes before i was to pick her up i suddenly panicked. i called her up and said, "terry, i can't go to this thing!" she said, "why not?!!" i said, "well, it's a spiritual retreat, right?" she said, "yes." well i said, "i'm not spiritual so i can't go!!" she said in raised tones, "jan ,that's why we are going!!!!" oh dear, i was one sick pup. thank god she loves me so much. we laugh about those times now.
well there's much more to my "story" but i've blabbed too long as it is. if i leave any legacy here it would be this: "no matter how far down the ladder you have gone", no matter how many times you have tried unsuccesfully to get sober, never give up. you too can have the life i have today. it's a day at a time process. it's about learning to be honest with yourself. it's about working the steps, not just reading them, it's about helping the next guy, it's about putting your sobriety first and working your program. and most importantly for me it's about having a higher power in your life.
i know today i am unconditionally loved by the God of my understanding. why he chose me i will never know, but i will strive til the day i die to carry His message and the message of bill and bob to those that still suffer.
thank you for taking the time to celebrate my life by reading this post.