[shadowalker164]

Standing on the ledge…
I have worked with more than a few guys trying to get sober sense I came into the “program.” And if one of them were to come to me and say that he went back out drinking again, (I call it joining the research division) I would always ask him the same question. How did that happen?
I am given a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition alone. I nor any real alcoholic that I know can stay stopped based on self will alone. And if that guy wanted to take another run at sobriety, we would begin again at step one. Admission of total defeat seems to be the key. It’s funny, I have to lose to win. And I have to give it away to keep it.
I put myself in this position, I walked out on that ledge. I pulled the window closed behind myself and heard it latch shut. I will spend the rest of my life out on that ledge. That’s a fact. If I live to be 90, I’ll die an alcoholic. That can’t be changed. But I don’t have to die a wet drunk. This power greater than myself has set me free. I used to wake up in the morning and think, “when can I start drinking, how much can I drink and how can I get away with it.” I obsessed on those thoughts, and in turn I drank every day. And once I started, I had little inclination to stop. I have been relieved of those obsessive thoughts, and for that gift, I am deeply grateful. But if I were to pick up a drink, that vicious cycle would start all over again. I am not relived of my alcoholism, but I am relived of the thought that precedes that first drink. And up till now, that has been enough.
I take a meeting into a detox facility once a week and every once in a while I run into some guy I worked with before, and they are my best sponsors. If I ever wonder if I called it quits too soon, maybe pulled the plug on myself too fast, one look into their eyes is all it takes. We are all teachers, all of us all the time, and the lesson those poor men have to teach isn’t lost on me today. But again, it’s a one day at a time deal, so today is the only day I need to get it right.
But the good news is that this ledge is full of guys. Shoulder to shoulder we stand with our toes hanging off the edge. We laugh at this peculiar position we have placed ourselves in. We agree on almost nothing, not on politics, not on religion, not on the color of the sky. But we all, every one of us agree in one thing, this simple set of spiritual tools, and the willingness to put them to use has set us free. We know we don’t have to step off into that incomprehensible demoralization that is active alcoholism.
I didn’t come in one day before I was ready, but when the pain finally got so great and the fact that I was facing a crises that could not be avoided of postponed was looming large before me, I admitted defeat. And in that simple act of humility, a new road opened before me. It is my job to stay to the broad road, and leave the ultimate destination in Gods hands.

Shadowalker164

[Sabrina_saw]

It takes a lot of strength to do what you are doing. I know I cannot walk towards that ledge right now, even if I stand on another.

I understand that you have been through much to be where you are now.

I congratulate and salute you. You should be looked up to.

[BamaSurvivor]

You remind me so much of my sponser, David. Last month was his two year sobriety mark and man has he gained wisdom in these two years! He was one of the few who went into treatment unwillingly (he was sentenced to 2 years in prison and received treatment there to shorten his sentence), but came out very willing. When I first started getting clean, there were times I questioned how bad I wanted sobriety. I'd be going through a hard time and fall off the wagon and go drink and/or get some meth and just get doped out. I'd go to my meeting the following day and he'd always ask me, "Did you stay clean yesterday?", and I'd always tell him the truth knowing he was fixing to give it to me straight up without sugar coating it! lol Then it got to where I really started wanting my sobriety and my sanity more than anything, so I started focusing on that instead of my problems at home. So instead of him asking me if I stayed clean, he'd ask me what time I woke up that morning... If I woke up before him, he'd always smile and say, "You've been clean and sober longer than me", and of course if not, it was the opposite. Why? Because I was constantly battling the thought of never using or drinking again, I mean it seemed like an eternity! But through Davids patiences and up lifting spirit, he taught me that thinking of it one day at a time makes sobriety a lot easier to handle. Because of all this, I am a firm believer in going to meetings. Those same people who used to offer you dope to help bring you down with them were now the ones lifting you up. I won't say I'll never drink or I'll never do drugs again, because I don't know what the unknown holds. I just know that my Higher Power is helping me get through today.