[disaster girl]

Hey I'm 25. My dad was an alcoholic until I was around 5 or 6 when my mother gave her last ultimatum. As he got older, with his many health problems non drinking related, he began to drink off and on again from time to time as I was in my high school years. It was steady when I was little, but as the youngest of 7 kids, I barely remember any of that period aside from two specific incidents and one other that my mom rather carelessly decided to dump off her woes about him on me in Middle school regarding the first time she threatened to leave. Other than that he was normal and great as far as most of my memories can recall. In those later years when he was so sick and I and one brother, or just me, were the only kids still at home there were times he did some ridiculous things due to his drinking again. But he was never physically abusive, he brawled with my other drunken uncles sometimes and was very jealous with my mom when I was little and he was an active drunk. He didn't break things or get in trouble with the law. The only one time that happened was when he spent one night in the drunk tank when I was in 11th grade because he was out of his mind with diabetes and on top of that downed a lot of liquor and decided he wanted to kill himself by running his car into a tree.

Now with all that said... his severe drinking period is mostly before my memories begin. His spotty drinking periods after usually didn't cause much chaos. We were never a family that said "I love you" or "how was your day at school" or ate dinner together anyway. He would just crank up the music and sit in his chair and drink. And with his diabetes so progressed and other health problems it was hard to tell the difference. I'd come home to have him tell me "Im sorry you kids missed Halloween this year in April..." While on his knees on his chair trying to insert a tv antenna into a hole in the wall.... sober... His brain was so gone sometimes. Him drunk at that time was no different than him ill. And as he got towards the end he just sat in his chair blind listening to the tv with headphones with no one there to care.

As an adult I can drink away the blues myself. I am not an alcoholic but I am fully aware of my propensity to be one as a majority of my family was. I walk a fine wobbly line. Currently I am in a relationship of nearly 4 years with a man who now has a little over a year of sobriety under his belt. The first of the four years I was oblivious to the issue, the second and third was obvious and difficult, and finally he got into rehab and has been sober since.

So though my dads drinking was spotty the reprecussions or bad actions on his part few and far between... I love admire and respect the man with all my heart (he is deceased... died when I was 19 diabetic coma) though I hold no grudges and do not feel that his drinking periodically in my youth really affected me...

in retrospect finding myself at 25 years old stumbling blindly into a relationship with an alcoholic - staying in it through it all.... I have to wonder if maybe it has more than I thought.

I know all about aa now from my boyfriends dilemma but just rather recently heard of ACOA. I was wonder what it is they talk about. Would I even fit in when I love and loved my father and he certainly was a drunk but not a cruel drunk. I wonder if I should go or if I would feel silly being there when I am sure there are many horror stories to be shared. And I wonder what a general meeting is like.

Ive been thinking about going but I don't know if it would help shed light on some things or just be awkward and Id feel out of place and silly...

So any input for my lengthy spiel would be greatly appreciated

[Hunny]

Hey Girl,

Welcome to the Adult Children of Alcoholics Forum. Thanks for posting here and telling some of your story. It it not unsual to live in home with alcohol abuse and then wind up living with or marrying an alcoholic. We go to the familiar, I would say.

You are asking about adult children groups but I think you may find just as much help in a regular Alanon Group, just my opinion though.

Have you had a chance to read some of the threads below? You may find some of them helpful.

In our meeting the format runs the same each week but there is so much more to recovery than the meetings. There is the literature, the service, the people, their stories and the meeting format. Meetings are usually 1 hour long start with a moment of silence to remember why we are there and then we have readings and introductions (first names only). There is a sharing time from members or a guest speaker and then a set goodbye which is often the serenity prayer. They suggest you go to 6 meetings at different locations before deciding on one place. The focus at the meeting is on you not the alcoholic and other things like religion, work, etc are not really allowed. Sometimes there is a 3 minute restriction on the amount of sharing one does. There is a very positive focus and lots of tissue.

Here is hoping you will give them a try and hope for the best for you!

.

I am glad you are interested in ACOA. My dad was very mean when drunk. After he stopped drinking, the physical abuse stopped but he still could be very mean. It took awhile for me to love him.

What confounds me is how frequently one exposed to the dark side of alcohol finds herself attracted to one who has a problem with alcohol. You loved, admired and respected your father. Often there is an attraction to father figures.

You have some idea what you are getting into. ACOA will educate you more. Please remember your friend is not your father.

I wish you luck.

[VickiesPath]

Hi Disaster Girl,

Welcome to PsychCentral and Welcome to ACOA,

You are such a wise person to be asking these questions about yourself. I hope that I don't scare you away because I love sharing information. I'm going to try to keep it short but can't guarantee anything.

I won't tell you my story because it is more effective if you experience meeting some other Adult Children (as we are known) in real life and get the opportunity to talk with them and get to know them. Perhaps sometime I will share a little with you, always happy to do that, but right now, I'll try to answer a few of your questions about the effects of growing up with alcoholic parents in general.

ACOA or Al-Anon meetings don't focus so much on the alcoholic or what it is or was like living with the alcoholic as much as they focus on helping us learn the effect it has on us. Believe it or not, those of us who grew up living with parents who drank, each have very similar characteristics that we share that we may or may not be aware of and that may or may not be causing us difficulties in our present lives. I'm going to list some of the characteristics that tend to develop in children and later those adults who lived with alcoholics as parents:

1. Can only guess what normal behavior is
2. Have difficulty following a project from beginning to end
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
4. Judge themselves without mercy
5. Have difficulty having fun
6. Take themselves very seriously
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation
10. Usually feel that they are different from other people
11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible — there’s no middle ground
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved
13. Are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

This list was composed by author Janet Geringer Woititz, the founder of Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Claudia Black, a leading expert on adult children of alcoholics and author of It Will Never Happen to Me, says these children grow up with three dangerous rules: don’t trust, don’t feel, and don’t talk.

When I first studied the ACOA syndrome, I read Claudia Black's book and thought, "finally, someone understands me."

Many of us have different feelings towards the alcoholics in our lives and yes, we do become involved with or even marry alcoholics. But the things that we have in common originate from our childhood and it is important that we understand the impact that it has on us as adults.

I can guarantee you that if you choose to attend an Al-Anon or ACOA meeting, you will not feel out of place. You will find warm, welcoming people there who will be willing to help you in any way they can.

Keep us posted on how things go.

[Hunny]

Hi, Girl:

PROCESS OF RECOVERY:
AL-ANON AND THE ADULT CHILD
By Claudia Black, M.S.W., Ph.D.

The concept of the “adult child” is spreading rapidly and is used to refer to the great number of adults who were parented in a home affected by alcoholism. Unlike people not raised in alcoholic homes, these are adults who characteristically experience greater difficulty in their ability to trust, to identify and express difficulty in intimate relationships and are more prone to experience depression. The term “adult child” legitimizes the experiences of such a person during childhood and encapsulates a description of his or her problem as an adult. As is true for the alcoholic and the spouse, the adult child is in need of direct therapeutic intervention and the opportunity to enter a recovery process.

The self-help groups of AA and Al-Anon are often found to be the greatest resources to the recovery of the alcoholic and spouse. They not only stop the active addiction process, they offer an ongoing recovery process that becomes a very satisfying lifestyle to those who follow their Twelve Steps and Traditions. With this endorsement, it has been most natural to assist adult child clients to see Al-Anon as a viable resource for them. What is particularly beneficial about Al-Anon as a resource is that it addresses and ultimately affects the basic issues of 1) not talking; 2) not feeling; 3) not trusting; 4) guilt; 5) control; and 6) isolation.

Most young children in alcoholic families learn that it is not safe (psychologically and often physically) to talk honestly about what is occurring in their lives. This stems from a variety of reasons: shame; loyalty; uncertainty about what to say; lack of models or permission from others to talk; and fear of reprimand and negative consequences when they do speak. The support group of Al-Anon provides adult children with an arena where they are not ashamed to speak. Al-Anon is an environment in which adult children do not feel they are betraying themselves. They are given the opportunity and support to share as they choose, discovering that there are no reprimands for being honest.

Adult children usually demonstrate a great fear of feelings. They find that, through the group experience, their fears are usually put into proper perspective. In Al-Anon, people share sadness, embarrassment, anger, and fear, in the process coming to realize that they don’t “fall-apart.” Al-Anon provides models for sharing honestly, as well as validation for the feelings when expressed. Group participants are not criticized for sharing their pain—instead, they receive understanding and empathy.

Further, Al-Anon offers adult children many dynamics that assist them in becoming more trusting. Al-Anon is a psychologically safe place; there is acceptance and unconditional love from the start, a bonding based on the common identities (trust takes time, but does occur). Al-Anon is a setting in which adult children learn that they are not responsible for things they have no control over, which lessens their guilt. They are repeatedly told, “You are not responsible.” In addition, Al-Anon provides feedback allowing adult children to set appropriate limits in order to help themselves and not enable others. In the process, the adult child begins to find self-esteem.

Control is a major issue for adult children in that they have a strong need, either to be in total control or to feel no control over any aspect of their lives. The first Step on Al-Anon immediately says, “I am powerless.” For some adult children, acceptance of powerlessness means they don’t have all the answers. Many adult children readily accept this and are relieved to be confirmed in their perceived helplessness. At the same time, they are also able to get appropriate feedback as to the power they do have in their lives. For other adult children, such acceptance marks the beginning of an awareness that they can no longer do it all by themselves.

The concept of acknowledging powerlessness, accompanied by the concept of “surrender,” means to let go of control, which for the adult child is very frightening. Control has meant survival for the adult child. Adult children fight this because they have taken such pride in their ability to manage, achieve and perform. Although in this sense frightening, Al-Anon offers adult children a realistic perspective of their own power and helps to lessen rigidity in their need to be in control…

…Adult child-oriented meetings are where the focus is primarily on adult child issues. Here adult children can begin to understand how their present life has been dominated by the past, can learn how to grieve the past appropriately, and can discover for the first time many valuable things they never had the opportunity to learn as children.

Claudia Black has extensive experience working with families affected by alcoholism and is the author of several books on the subject for adults and children.

Taken from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
Second Edition 1984

[Bill3]

His spotty drinking periods after usually didn't cause much chaos.

An alcoholic can affect a child without there being overt scenes of brawling, trouble with the law, or other obvious chaos. Day be day, an alcoholic parent typically acts differently and treats a child differently than do parents in nonalcoholic families. These differences can affect how a child sees herself and how she develops--even if specific events are not remembered.

One thing that I experienced when I was younger was a visceral need to defend my mother, to minimize the significance of her actions. To admit the obvious, that there was something not right with her, felt threatening and uncomfortable to me. I felt that I had to defend, explain away, or minimize things that I can now see were quite abnormal.

Do you see yourself in any of the characteristics listed by VickiesPath above, or in what I've quoted below?

Perhaps consider trying an ACOA meeting and seeing for yourself.

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households.

We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.

Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.

This is a description, not an indictment.

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s

[Hunny]

TheByzantine

As we are abused emotioally and physically as children we do tend to have pockets of unresolved anger or a lack of sensitivity to people. Praying you find some help for your unresolved issues, either through ACOA or AACOA or therapy. It tends to seep out I've noticed. Positive focus helps to a degree although for the deeper hurts you may need some therapy. All intended with good will, Byz.

I have never had a problem loving my alcoholic parents, it has taken years, however, to heal from the neglect and abuses and the healing continues. I hope you can give this givf of love to yourself as well.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

I am glad you are interested in ACOA. My dad was very mean when drunk. After he stopped drinking, the physical abuse stopped but he still could be very mean. It took awhile for me to love him.

What confounds me is how frequently one exposed to the dark side of alcohol finds herself attracted to one who has a problem with alcohol. You loved, admired and respected your father. Often there is an attraction to father figures.

You have some idea what you are getting into. ACOA will educate you more. Please remember your friend is not your father.

I wish you luck.