[buttrfli42481]

I just found out that my father is facing a minimum of 4 months in jail for 2 different class D felonies for DWIs. He just served a 1 month sentence for a class A misdemenor for DWI. I have not seen my father in over 8 years and was just getting up the courage to have him in my life again. He was removed from our house when I was in 5th grade due to sexually molesting my older sister. He got a slap on the wrist for this and told that he couldn't live with us. I remember him drinking when we were growing up, but can never remember him being drunk. My mom and sister never speak of what happened, and though I really want to know if it is true, I cannot gather the courage to ask them. Now that I am an adult, I wanted my daughter to know him. I would never think of leaving her alone with him, but I wanted my dad in her life. However with these charges against him, I have decided to not introduce her to him.
My little sister and I have been talking about him and his drinking and want to see him get the help he so desperately needs. We just don't know what to do. He has asked her if she can store some of his things, specifically his gun. Her hold up is that all he knows is that she lives in the same town, she does not want him knowing where she lives. All we want is for our dad to get better. We are contemplating talking to his attorny about getting some type of rehab put in his sentence. We are just afraid that he will be mad at us for it. The whole situation has both my little sister and me depressed and worried about what will happen to him.
Even though he has "ruined" our family, he still is our dad and we still have that love for him. We are not able to talk to our mom or sister about this because they are so against him. All we want is for our dad to get better, we just feel like there is nothing we can do.

[jen29]

(((((buttrfli42481)))))

I kinda know what you are going through. I grew up with my father drinking too...but don't remember hardly any of it. He left when i was 8 and didn't see him for a few years.
Drinking too, caused my dad to get into big legal trouble. Although he didn't get any DWIs that I know of he did end up in jail (if didn't get help he would have spent 3 years in prison) for embezzling.
To make a long story short this is what got him to change.
If you ever need to talk about this or anything feel free to message me.
Hugs,
Jen

[phoenix47baby]

I don't know if I could help a child molester in any way, shape or form. This is very courageous and caring to want to take this on with your little sister. I hear that your mother and other sister want to keep the distance from him and that you would like to clarify things with them as to what went on. Who knows what went on except the person or persons that experienced the assault. They may wish to keep things to themselves especially in view of the fact that you want to help your father. This is a sticky situation. Sending good thoughts to you and I wish you the best of luck!

[Junerain]

Why would he be upset with rehab instead of jail time? i commend you for helping your dad, you are in a tough spot right now; my heart goes out to you

[SilverNeurotic]

Talking to his lawyer about rehab is a good idea. Having the option out there might help your father make the decision to get himself cleaned up.

[quote=buttrfli42481;1211299]

Hi Butterfly,

There is alot of mixed emotions with a father who is an alchohoic and a child molestor. And I'm sure you do love your father . I loved my father .
the good parts about him and there were many . a mix of intelligence, humour , spiritual , hard working . But when he drank he did things that were not normal .

He was removed from our house when I was in 5th grade due to sexually molesting my older sister. He got a slap on the wrist for this and told that he couldn't live with us. I remember him drinking when we were growing up, but can never remember him being drunk.

This not remembering...... its something to be concered about . And know how difficult it is to bring back memories. And we have in our minds what "being drunk should look like" many times people with alchoholiusm look and operate normally, even in a black out. So we don't always remmber because normal is when they were drinking .

I remeber the times my dad was very drunk . passed out on the couch as if dead. the smell of alchhol pouring out of his body. And one time he looked like he was going to kill me. he was like an animal out of control .

That was the alchohol.

My mom and sister never speak of what happened, and though I really want to know if it is true, I cannot gather the courage to ask them.

I encourage you to do this especially when your concidering letting him see your daughter . It will open old wounds that does take courage. I would think they wouod want you to know everything for your safety and your daughters.

. He has asked her if she can store some of his things, specifically his gun.

have him rent a U store it compartment. I don't know the legalities with guns.

All we want is for our dad to get better. We are contemplating talking to his attorny about getting some type of rehab put in his sentence. We are just afraid that he will be mad at us for it.

Have it be an option avalibale for him if he wants it. He has to want it or it wil not work.

Even though he has "ruined" our family, he still is our dad and we still have that love for him. We are not able to talk to our mom or sister about this because they are so against him. All we want is for our dad to get better, we just feel like there is nothing we can do.

Your very compationate . I think you are doing alot . We don't want to see those we love suffer even if they have hurt us . And I think its great your father has you thinking about him at this time .

Have you tried Alanon yet? Because if he gets into rehab and it takes . he'll be there right along with you.

Good lucK with the attourney. Your fathers health and life needs attention now and this is the time. He may say yes..

Patricia

[buttrfli42481]

I just talked with my little sister and she still hasn't made up her mind as to storing his things (gun) or not. She still has a few days to decide, his court date is the 9th. I told her that I would store it if I didn't live with mom, my mom wouldn't alllow it. I also told her that I would make arrangements to pick it up.
Patricia: I know that it is a problem about not remembering. There are many pieces of my past that I am choosing not to remember. It is because I want to remember the good things. Being a clown in the American Royal Parade with him, his company picnics, going to Colorado as a family. I want to remember my family as a whole, not a the pieces we were. I remember a whole lot more of my life before 5th grade than I do after. It is sad, because I know that there were good things that happened, but it doesn't seem right to remember them because I think of how much better it would have been with dad there. I have carried this selective memory over to my marriage as well. I remember the good things, and when I try really hard, I can remember the bad things. I don't like the feelings that come with the bad memories, so I just stuff them away. If I don't remember them, then they didn't really happen.
As for allowing him to see my daughter, I only want to have dinner or lunch with him. I would never leave her with him. I was thinking that it would give him hope, that one of his kids still loves him.It is really hard to explain to an 8yr old why Mommy doesn't buy her daddy something for Father's Day.
Calling the attorny just seems scary. What if they say it isn't an option for rehab, what if they don't listen? I really want to call my dad, but he doesn't know I know about his court date. I don't want him mad at my sister for telling me, when she didn't tell me. I found it on the government website. And then if I do call him, I don't know what to say. There are millions of questions that I want answered, but I don't know if I can handle the answers. All I want is for him to be all better, to go back to the good times, to have him hold me, and to know that he loves me, and for him to know that I love him. Does that make sense?

[Junerain]

(((((buttrifli))))

I feel you are doing the best as can be, in this situation...hold your head up and keep that unconditional love that you feel, flowingUnconditional love is actually a very, very, beautiful thing

[buttrfli42481]

My little sister just let me know that she essentially moved our dad out. She is storing most of his things and said that he hasn't had a drink since Oct. He has been going to some sort of classes for Alcoholics, and that once his sentence is up he won't have to do anymore rehab.
However, she said that he is facing a minimum of 4 mths and that he was told that it could be 1-4 years if they consider the child molesting that took place about 20 years ago. He never received a sentence for that, but I figure statute of limitations is up. She is also sending a picture of her family with him, I so want to do this too, but don't have any available to send.
I have been so emotional the past few days. Someone can look at me, and I'll start crying. I really want to be at court for him on Wednesday, but unless a miracle happens and I have all the feeling back in my foot, I can't drive. I want to be able to give him a hug and tell him in person that I forgive him, to give him some hope of a better life when he gets out. To make matters worse, yesterday was his birthday, great birthday present jail time.

[Junerain]

(((((buttrifli)))))

The hope you have for your father is beautiful, as all hope is and can be

[embracinglife]

I'm sure this is a really emotional time for you. I hope that these relationships start to mend. Keep your hope and faith, but make sure to be sensible and take care of yourself, I think you are being pretty sensible through this, like wanting to protect your daughter, that is good. You are so strong.

[buttrfli42481]

Thank you graciemi. There are more times than not that I don't feel strong. I was really hoping that he would call me, and he hasn't. He goes to court at 9 and I really don't see him calling before court. There is so much that I want to tell him before he goes in. I would go to the courthouse, but the roads are bad and I am not supposed to be driving. (I have a broken foot.) If we didn't get the snow tonight, I would have tried to drive down there.

As soon as I know how long he is going to be in for, I will definately post. You all have been so encouraging and supportive. Thank you so much. I know the next 4+months are going to be difficult, but I am ready to face them.

Hi Butterfly.

I hope your father got a reduced sentence . I belive there is no staue of limitations on molestaion . I know because a victium witness for the court told me there was no limitaion.

I Hope the best out come for your father daughter relationship. Im sorry this happened so close to the holiday season . I'm sure he will appreaciate a visit and you will be able to begin giving fathers day gifts and birthdays etc.

Patricia

[buttrfli42481]

Well, I found out today that my dad got 3 years for each charge, but he gets to serve them concurrently. He is in county lock up for right now and then will be transfered to state in the near future. He never did call, which hurts. Hopefully he will keep contact with my little sister and I will be able to write him. I also found out about a website that lists offenders, their sentence, and where they are located, so I am going to check that out in a few weeks to see if he is in there. I am now praying that he will be able to get out early for good behavior, and that he will be changed. Thank you all for being so supportive.

[Junerain]

((((((buttrfli)))))

The years will go by quickly I feel, and your father will be in your arms once again

[buttrfli42481]

I had a dream the other night that involved my dad. I dreamed that I was able to talk to him while he was in prison. I was able to tell him that I forgive him. I wasn't able to touch him, but just saying those words was enough. I don't remember anything else.

I haven't been able to get down to see him, the roads have been really bad. My little sister was able to see him the other day when she went to get his wallet and such. She said he is in maximum security and that she had to talk to him via a video camera and monitor. She also said that he called her on New Year's eve, and that he appearantly cannot have photos with him because the ones she gave him where with his personal belongings. Hopefully by the time he is transfered, the roads will be better and I will be able to visit him.

A good friend of mine asked me if I was prepared if he didn't want to see me. I hadn't thought about that. I guess I thought that he would be happy to know that I cared. I think that it would upset me if he doesn't want to see me, but I also think that he would see me. Does that make sense? If I don't make the effort to see him, then I will never know, and I will be mad at myself for not trying.

[Tamale]

My boyfriend of 3 years is a recovering alcoholic (been sober 1 year 5 months) and his father is also a recovering alcoholic (been sober about 5 years).

No matter what you do or how much hope you have, your father has to decide for himself that he wants to change his life. And I can only imagine how ashamed your father might feel about the way he treated your family, and this might be why he wouldn't want to see you. It's hard to know how long or if he really has been sober, and it may take him awhile. I know it's certainly a different situation when the alcoholic is your own father, but when my bf stopped drinking, his personality changed. His is still adjusting to all the changes that come from a completely new lifestyle. The alcohol allowed him to "not care" about all the bad things that had happened to him/that he had done. He could "escape" from the feeling of guilt caused by how he was hurting the people around him by being drunk. It took him a while (and he's still working) to really let the reality of what he was hiding sink in before he could deal with it. Your father may need much more time before he is able to face you and the reality you represent. All you can do is be there with the hope, love, support, and PATIENCE.

Alcoholics Anonymous has been an important support tool for my bf and his father. I have been to an open meeting and it a very loving, open, and respectful environment. Hopefully your dad will have access to something like this while he is in jail or afterwards. AA uses a 12-step program, and not until steps 8 and 9 does it talk about making amends to those he has harmed. The first 7 steps take time, and have to do with getting straight and sober. I'm telling you this so that you know things take time.
I agree, your hope and love for your father and your family means so much and is encouraging to me.
The last thing I wanted to say was--do you have a T you can talk to about this?

[buttrfli42481]

Tamale, yes I have a T to talk to about it. The problem is that the weather has not been kind and I have not had a chance to get in recently. I desperately need to talk about this and other issues. This site helps, but there is a huge difference when doing it in person. Hopefully this next week we will be able to get together, it is supposed to warm up.
Thank you for your kind words, they really do help.