[Rozine]

Hi,

My partner never used to drink that much - usually just social - although when he did he would binge drink. Just lately he has started drinking most nights. Although it's not a lot only two drinks it really bothers me because my father was an alcoholic. I've talked to him about it but he says it's okay and he's allowed to have a few drinks after work. Because of my background I am worrying about this. Any thoughts...

Thanks

[Elana05]

Rozine,

Hi. This is a tough one. The fact that he used to binge drink points to his having a problem with alcohol (or addiction ie. not knowing when to say stop). On the other hand (for some people) 2 drinks a day isn't that much - if it does indeed stop there. (Most adults can drink moderate amounts of alcohol — up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people (one drink equals one 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits).
On the third hand it is completely understandable for you to be reacting this way if you have had alcoholism in your family. So you are entitled to tell him how this affects you. You might want to take this to a couples councelor if you just keep going back and forth with the issue. Good luck, Rozine, my thoughts are with you.

E

Hello, Rozine. Because of your background do you expect your partner not to drink at all? Would not drinking be the only way you could put aside your concerns about drinking?

I expect you realize that many find nothing wrong with responsible drinking. Would you be comfortable talking to your partner about drinking boundaries? If you partner accepted the boundaries and abided by them, would this solve your problem?

If your history causes you to be incapable of accepting reasonable boundaries and precipitates worry unless all drinking ceases, you may benefit from therapy. If therapy is not an option, you may be in a wrong relationship for you.

Good luck.

[sugahorse1]

My partner is driving me crazy too. About 3 times a week he will go for a drink after work with the boys - +-3 drinks. Then on weekends him and I may have a glass of wine or a beer, usually while we are relaxing at home.

But recently he has gone through binge drinking - Sunday we were comfortable at home, until he got a call at 4:30 to meet some friends to watch the soccer. Long story short, I went home at midnight, he carried on drinking and partying and got home just before 4AM. He woke me up, then I couldn't sleep due to his snoring which is 10x worse after he's been drinking.
I got up just before 7AM to go to work, he was still sleeping, skipped work (Luckily he is the partner in the company, and can get away with not going to work) then started drinking again in the afternoon. By the time I met up with him at 5:30PM, he was totally out of it again.
I ended up in tears, embarrassed to be his girlfriend as he was carrying on like an idiot.
I need a quiet lifestyle, and want to settle down. He is older than me, and I really hoped he'd be more settled and responsible than a younger guy.
No doubt he'll want to go horse-racing tonight, which is another night of drinking. I do drink a bit, but it really is in moderation.
What worries me the most is how upset I've gotten in the recent while. This is 2 nights in a row he has been paraletic. I'm at home on my own on these nights, and feel lonely and rejected. I just cannot stay up so late. And I have responsiblities.
I'm not sure if he has a PROBLEM, but it hurts me

[Elana05]

((sugahorse))

I'm sorry to hear you are having to go through this with your partner right now... you said in your post that you ended up in tears that day he skipped work. I know (from experience) its impossible to have a *rational* conversation with anyone who's been drinking. Did you try to talk to him the next day or the next point he was sober to tell him how you felt? If you tell him he's really hurting you this way (by acting so irresponsible) and he can't see it then maybe its time to get a third opinion by going to see a councelor? I hope you both are able to talk about it. Let us know how it goes...

[sugahorse1]

I try not talk to him at all when he's drunk. It's just tiring having to look after a drunk, adult male.

I usually talk to or sms him the next day to say how upset i am

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear Rozine & Sugahorse,

I used to have a husband who drank every morning and every evening and at work when he could. Then he retired and he drank all day every day. So I truly do understand your feelings. Eventually it got to be just too much and I had to leave in order to take responsibility for my own happiness and leave him to his addiction. I stayed with him for 30 odd years and one day I said to him "Look you need to make a decision, alcohol or the marriage". He asked me where I was going to live.

So I moved out and started a new life. I found out a short time later that he had given up drinking after I left. The marriage was doomed anyway. I had stayed 10 years after the marriage was over so that I could look after him.

I wish you both the best and I hope you can work things out. Never compromise your own happiness; if I had left when I should have, I would have had 10 more years of happiness in my life and I would have been a lot younger,

Blessings to you both,

Rhi

[sugahorse1]

My other half just has too much time on his hands by running his own business. He can leave at 4PM happily and go for a drink. His colleagues join him. He's in the real estate business, where there aren't any set hours anyway...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Thats always a bugga!

[Hunny]

Rozine,

Have you found something to do about the concerns that you posted here?

.

[Rozine]

Hi,

Thanks for asking Hunny and sorry it's taken so long to reply. Over recent weeks his drinking has got steadily worse - he drank a bottle of whisky over two days. I talked to him about it and he denied that there was a problem and that I'm over-reacting. However, he did stop drinking for a couple of days. It's quite unpredictable how much and when he drinks.

This is a really difficult one as he never used to drink that much before and the amounts he drinks and when he drinks are up and down. He can go for quite a few days without drinking then will suddenly binge, drink various amounts each night then stop, then start again. He is not a violent or aggressive person when he drinks. I'm really not sure how I handle this. I have attended Alanon so I know about the letting go of control but I wonder at what point do you walk away from a person who is drinking excessively. My mother never left my father who was an alcoholic and a really awful person - she just hung in there.

Also, I don't have a problem with people drinking sensibly - I drink occasionally myself.

Thanks

[Hunny]

Rozine,

The good thing about answering here is there is not pressure to respond but only when you are ready.

You have some deep thoughts around what is happening in your life, examining the pros and cons while trying to make a decision that works best for you in a timely fashion.

I used to think the alcoholics in my family of origin could control themselves, after-all they were the older more mature (?) ones in the family. They were older siblings, parents, uncles, and other relatives. A few things happened to make me see this was me lying to myself. I began to realize some of them were blackout drunks, so, after a certain point in their day or night of drinking, they just were gone in their mind and would never ever be able to have a conversation with me the next day or ever about their drinking. it was insanity for me to hope that one day we would talk rationally together.

I then began to realize it was me that had the problem of denial. It hit me up the side of the head one day and I was just... well, let's just say I hit bottom. I'd had had enough. I called one family member and said I could not see him for awhile. It was hard but necessary. I had to take care of me and my family and I loved it, even if it was hard. I took it one day at a time. And the short amount of time away with him turned into about 5 years. I loved the peace in my life and I began to attend to myself and get help for the years of emotional neglect that I had experienced in my home of origin. As well, my children were raised in an environment where drinking was not part of their daily experience. They didn't have to watch the adults around them get drunk and live that experience.

Making the decision to look after me has been my goal ever since that time. It has been quite a journey and I have received so much healing since making that decision!

I wish the best for you and hope you will continue to use the forum, your Alanon groups, your therapy and whatever else might help for you in the days to come.

I am wondering if you have ever been able to attend an Alanon Adult Children group? It may help you focus on yourself. It is really worth it, hard but worth it.

Good luck.