Boundaries

I've always had trouble setting healthy boundaries. I find it so difficult to say no and stand up for myself and let people walk all over me because I don't want to offend them or make them mad at me. Are there any others out there that can relate? Do you have any suggestions on how I can change?

I sometimes feel that way. Just always know that there are things you can do that they could only dream of doing. Boost your self confidence! I know you can! Always know that we understand you here! ;-) pm anytime you need to!

(Hugs!)<3

Thanks. <3 It's like I know exactly what I'm doing and I'm powerless to stop it. Drives me nuts about myself.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/str...9/METHOD=print
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Respectfully
http://www.onlineorganizing.com/Expe...sp?tipsheet=16

What kind of boundaries do you have?

Look at the following characteristics to determine what kinds of boundaries you have:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your
relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be
responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.

COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.

RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and
virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
__________________

Hi Shebutterfly,

I can relate. I've always had a difficult time with boundaries. I suppose when you live with an alcoholic (or more than one) it becomes very hard to tell just you are feeling and draw a line when you need to. When I was about 7 I began telling my mom not to drink because I was being hurt. I was very clear. However she paid no attention to me and soon began telling me I was wrong every time I brought it up or asked her to cut back. So I grew up with this message that someone I loved could hurt me and walk all over me and this was the right thing to do (I mean, she was mom so she knew best).

I didn't begin to feel a change in myself (in my relationships with other people) until about six months ago. I have been in therapy for about two and half years now and that has been crucial. But another thing that has really helped has been to know a few people who are quite adept at keeping good boundaries. The two people whom I try and emulate have more than seven years of therapy under them.
For example, one is a very close friend of my partner (I'll call the friend Jane). On Jane's wedding day, I watched as her mom came up to her in the greeting line and was all out of breath. (She has always had a difficult relationship with her mom). Jane's mom had become very flustered due to all of the things she herself wanted to have done or changed regarding the way the wedding was going; the reception to follow, the drinks, guests arriving late etc... I watched as Jane turned to her mother and with a smile on her face simply said, "OK, but these are your problems mom, not mine." and then turned away back to a guest. To me, it was so important to see her reaction and it has helped me ask myself later when I needed to, "what would Jane do?"

Kind of a long rambling answer. Hope you can take something away from it.

E

Yes, I too have struggled with "boundaries".
I never knew any as a child.... I grew up thinking that I was not allowed or deserving of boundaries.
anything that happened to me was of no concern to anyone....
then, how can an adult be expected to magically have said "boundaries" when they never learned them??....
Seems the masses that were raised with healthy boundaries can't fathom one not understanding or knowing how to express/acquire them.
It's learned-- not genetic....
I think most of society takes it(knowing boundaries automatically) for granted.....*sigh*... they are so lucky to not be like some us--- struggling, trying to learn and understand as an adult.... it's difficult.
I wish you much learning and hope you receive compassion from others.

best to you

fins

This is just on the edge of "irrellevant" but watch the movie "Up in the Air" with George Clooney. It will really show you how to set boundries. Not necessarily healthy ones (in the movie it was pretty extreme) but they really set boundries and stuck to them there.

Plus, you get to look at George Clooney for 90 minutes. BONUS.

looks like I'm on the collapse ;[

Oh yes. I can relate. My parents each ahd their own saying. My mom : "When I tell the froggy to jump, I do NOT need to hear ANYTHIG, except, 'How high?'"
Dad: "Children are to be seen and not heard."

I had no privacy, no voice, not allowed an opinion and was sexually abused. I grew up thinking that I was only put here for someone elses use.

But through some counseling adn taking a speech class in College, I found my voice adn I am learning to be assertive instead of the people pleasing little slave-girl that I was conditioned to be.

The speech class was the hardest healing I have ever done. I was forced out of my shell. I am glad tho.

good luck and remember you ahve as much right to say no as the next person!!