[Hunny]

Having lived in the the home of two alcoholics growing up, I was expected to behave in a certain way, not only by them but by what I perceived. One of the ways was being really responsible. In this, I cold never be good enough.

It has taken me a number of years to see that obsession, hyper-vigilance is not taking responsibility but it is just that, an obsession. Letting go and allowing others be responsible is more and more what I need to do, in everything I do and even think.

Some people in my life have a problem with thinking that being responsible means taking control when in actual fact it is nothing more than a sort of obsession. I find it hard to be around them. I think being around people like this who are taking hyper-vigilance and calling it responsibility must be hard to live with. Needless to say. It helps me see myself and it is not pretty.

How has your obsessive thinking blocked your letting go and how are you helping yourself to be just responsible not obsessive?

[purple_fins]

Thank you for posting this.

raises hand I am hypervigilent.
I believe I think of it in that---
if I'm "responsible" and take care of EVERYONE, then they will not do the hurtful things they might do. I am ever watchful to make sure every pillow is fluffed and every need is met...... yea?- hypervigilent?.
I did think it was me being responsible, like you said.
I see it now.... huh..... the two aren't one in the same, are they?.....

like T. said-- I'm NOT responsible for others addictions... they are choosing such......
yea, it just came to me, with your help.

now, i just have to keep repeating ...... "I'm not responsible for others addictions and hurtful choices.... I'm not responsible for others addictions and hurtful choices".....
*sigh*...
this is going to be hard to let go of the hypervigilence......
the anxiety is kicking,
feels like I'm falling down the dark rabbit hole.............

fins

[Perna]

I look at whatever is worrying me and try to decide on one thing I can do that's practical and will help me not worry anymore. If I'm laying awake at night and notice the door lintels have dust (which obviously means I'm going to become an isolated, dirty, hoarder by the time I'm 85, living alone and ill) I decide I'll clean them in the morning.

Sometimes stopping and seeing what it is that I actually feel, what is really bothering me helps. If I can see that it's just left over stepmother controlling, she taught me to do something X way and enforced that, I can deliberately experiment with doing it a different way (and laugh at any anxiety it causes doing it that way) or talk to whoever is doing it a different way, start a conversation that often is very interesting, fun, enlightening, etc.

[Elana05]

Hi Hunny,

Yes. I know just what you are talking about. I was also raised with an alcoholic mom, and dad also but he wasn't around.
It's so interesting, I noticed this "obsessing" in myself just this evening. My partner and I just finished putting in 2 air conditioners yesterday. Except we forgot a piece that goes on the outside -- and to put it in meant opening the windows next to them to reach out and fix the outside of the air conditioner. Every time we open the windows and screens I am convinced one of our cats is going to go flying out of it with a running jump. (This did almost happen once ). It's just that whenever something like this happens I get all tense and think "I have to go supervise this situation or something is going to go wrong!" It sounds small. But it happens again and again and it gets kind of tiring. I feel that if I don't take care of it, or help to take care of it something terrible will happen. So I asked my partner if she needed help and she said no. Then I thought, "you know what? She's taking care of this. She's an adult who is also very responsible and I am sure she'll keep the cat away from the open window." I did feel very tense. It was hard to just let go. But the cat is still inside now, and not two stories down... wandering dazed around the neighborhood. Maybe next time I won't worry (as much).

[Hunny]

Oh, you guys,

It is so hard. I am reminded of myself in each newcomer and oldtimer who comes to our group full of obsession and I want to declare my silently scream to their relative or friend: "You poor alcoholics having to live or deal with our hypervigilence". No wonder they drink. Okay, that may be carrying it a bit far but really I can be so irritating.

Purple fins, the mantra is good but doing something wonderful for you is important too. I have noticed that certain people in our group who have been coming for a while tend to look even healthier as the time goes by. They look less haggard and spent and it is because they took the focus off the alcoholic and put it on them self.

Having said that, there is a sense of being out-of-control and it is uncomfortable at first. It feels like the world might fall apart but it doesn't. Sometimes it does get worse before it gets better, depending how much denial I am in and it isn't a steady upward climb, sometimes it's three steps forward, two back.

I just became aware myself that responsibility isn't obsession. I am hoping that knowing this will help me with my real obsession too. I tend to pick at myself, physically. It is hard because living with alcoholics or other addictions is equated with PTSD and one of the symptoms of ptsd is hypervigilance. gosh why can i never spell this word right? notice the word 'never' that is obsession, I'm sure of it! lol, gad!

Perna, I luv that very good illustration about thinking I'll be an isolated, dirty, hoarder by 85. lol It made me laugh but I love your solutions too. Do one practical thing and drop it.

Seems like you did some good 'letting go' Elana and you have cool air and a cat still in one piece, hooray!!

I will leave you with a good mantra: that is called something in Alanon but I can't remember what...for the life of me..."Let go and let God". Maybe there is someone else who has a better memory for naming things who can say what those sayings are called. In the meantime I'm gonna let go and let god. Cheerio.

All the Best and here is to a nice cup of tea in the garden.

Hunny

[Rozine]

Yes, I too have always been hypervigilant - had to be from a young age growing up with an alcoholic. For me, hypervigilance equates to obsession - if I can watch for cues in people and situations and take care of things - over responsibility - then I 'think' that I am controlling things. This is all an illusion, of course. Gradually letting go of control one small step at a time has safely shown me that things do work out and that others can take care of themselves and that all I really need to focus on is being responsible for me. I do always have that inner panic that sets in that I am constantly having to deal with - don't know if others feel the same.

Thanks for the post.

[Melbadaze]

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

[purple_fins]

Purple fins, the mantra is good but doing something wonderful for you is important too.

ah yes!! I forget about this so much of the time-- thanks for reminding me-- ever so helpful one!...
.... doing something good for me......

had to be so vigilent of mother's and father's moods when I was a child(mother's violent emotions and father's leaving in anger to go gamble)-- I never EVER considered anything for me-- I HAD to hold it all together ..... s'pose I'm still in that M.O. as an adult......
keep everyone calm and content...
God-- it's so hard not to do that now,
I'm doing it before I even realize!!!
blah........... such a rough journey....
I get so tired....

fins

[Hunny]

Purple_fins,

I really understand those sighs. They speak multitudinous words and behind the words, painful thoughts and feelings.

I find taking 'action' to do something 'nice' for me is the hardest part, lately as new parts that were traumatized come to the fore. I am putting some pieces together. For example, recently, with this new part that came forward I discovered that I was afraid to go for walks. I mean I knew motivation was a problem but now I know why and so now I am hoping to be able to take the walks up again.

I very well could have become an alcoholic. I had all the environmental requirements plus the predisposition, even a part that preferred to go that route but I think my DID condition wouldn't allow it. I can barely drink caffeine, have minimal alcohol or take prescription medications because I cannot function properly. So, I guess you could say I was protected from having to go that route by the very diagnosis I am working toward healing on today.

I hope and pray you get some peace, rest and clarity each day Purple_Fins. You are here and are working toward your goals and you are a jewel here on PC.

I need reminding too because I forget sometime too. I hope we can help each other

Hunny

Originally Posted by purple_fins

ah yes!! I forget about this so much of the time-- thanks for reminding me-- ever so helpful one!...
.... doing something good for me......

had to be so vigilent of mother's and father's moods when I was a child(mother's violent emotions and father's leaving in anger to go gamble)-- I never EVER considered anything for me-- I HAD to hold it all together ..... s'pose I'm still in that M.O. as an adult......
keep everyone calm and content...
God-- it's so hard not to do that now,
I'm doing it before I even realize!!!
blah........... such a rough journey....
I get so tired....

fins

The cycle of abuse. After decades, I can still feel the tension build.

[Hunny]

(((((( TheByzatine ))))))

It is true, isn't it, Byz. Fortunately, our feelings are not character defects.

Your response reminds me of how the dad had me work as an assistant to his new hire and this man was also a drunk. They like to hang out together, I discovered. To the need-not-be-so-observant he was in the drunk state most of the day. I appreciated the work, one of my first real jobs, but honestly, I was terrified of him as we were stuck in a room together far down the corridor from the others.

The sense of responsibility to my work and to the dad fueled the obsession of my mind where I just felt I was to blame and I wanted to get away from the alcohol influences. It was like the dad was hammering an unconscious nail into my thinking: "There is no escape, get used to it."

I could have used some support in those days. Our family was trapped in a cycle of self-abuse and other abuse and we needed a 'hand'. I am not touting Alanon alone but it has a saying: "When anyone anywhere reaches out for help, may the hand of Alanon and Alateen always be there and let it begin with me."

Would I have attended back then? I don't know. I did go for help to a church leader but he hadn't been trained up yet in how to extend this 'hand', except to say other kids were worse off than me. There is a yearly publication called 'Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism' that is for professionals like Counsellors, Therapists, Doctors, Nurses, Church or Spiritual leaders. Even if they don't attend Alanon I hope they will tell their clients, parishoners etc about the 'hand'.

In short, my obsessions run deep, sorting responsibility from them is a goal for me.

Keep posting TByzantine, it's good to hear your point of view.


Hunny

My first memory is of an alcohol-related trauma. Alcohol is the catalyst that has altered my thought processes and drives my illness to this day.

When I see "alcohol" and "relationship" in close proximity, I think trouble. I recognize being judgmental is frowned upon: http://zenhabits.net/a-simple-method...hat-means-you/

Even so, alcohol will always be the toxic brew: http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/23798

[Hunny]

TheByzantine,

It is a sad, sad thing when the 'first' memory is traumatic and secondly that it is related to alcohol. They truly seem to go together, though. The tension builds but it can also be released.

I do understand the early childhood traumas. Bringing myself, without splitting, to take up the care and concern inwardly is a challenge for me. To find the feelings, feel the feelings and recover by soothing and taking care of myself, takes all the courage I can muster and even then I need support.

My hugs will not express enough, the compassion I feel toward you, dear, TheByzantine.

I heard this saying last evening and have heard it before but for some reason last evening it resonated deep within me regarding my resentments. It goes something like this, 'resentment is holding out hope for a better past'. For me learning to let go of resentments is a place that I am working on now but first I had to examine the past in relation to my feelings and feeling the feelings comes first. Of course I don't want to do that because it hurts so much.

Time is the gift I've been given in order to do this. I chose not to go the route of numbing the pain with alcohol but I realize my not being healed from my 'adult child of alcoholics' position can be like a sickness to those loved ones around me now, or in fact, to anyone I come in contact with.

You're sharing helps me too, TByz. If you are able do share more.

Thanks.

Hunny

Having no one to talk to had a deep impact. I soon believed relationships meant terrible pain. I could not understand why this cycle of abuse never ended. I even went into a church and yelled at God: "Why are you doing this? What have I done?" Even now my younger siblings think my memories are the rantings of a lunatic. Even so, I can still feel the tension, hear the blows and see the pool of blood.

Fortunately, I have been working hard to forgive; it will always be an ongoing process. I no longer hate. The anger, bitterness and resentment have subsided.

Yet in moments of self-pity while contemplating my life, I recall the words of Whittier, "For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

[Gently1]

Hunny & TheByzantine



Gently1

[Hunny]

Gently1

A gentle and safe hug says much when words are unavailable.

.

[Gently1]

Hunny,
I did not learn about 'real hugs' until 4 years ago! I belong to a massage mentor group and after a few years felt safe to hug.
I did not hug my parents and now I can as I forgive them, and myself. My parents are in their 70's. I feel like I never really got to know them as I have better friends then family relationships. I was at family events but not really there.
I hope to become a honest and caring daughter.

ACA has really got my attention, tears and release as how I became the person I am now to survive the past. Depression has been a blessing as by it vary nature invites self relfection.

Thanks for sharing, Gently. I wish you many therapeutic hugs.