[Elana05]

Every time I get a message or call from my mother she has to mention how broke she is. I am FED UP. I have had it up to here. I would like to respond: I CANNOT HELP YOU. She is always the victim. Well, she always has enough money to spend on wine. But nope, she can't afford to see a therapist like I happened to recommend.
I used to spend hours giving her advice or trying to bail her out by offering solutions. But that never works. In reality, she is fine. Just depressed as usual - but will never do anything about it except drink. She has a job. She gets social security money. I, on the other hand, am not even working due to both depression and not being able to find a job. For my entire life she has been a victim. I always get sucked in to feeling so sad for her. For 20+ years. Damn. I am just tired. And mad.

[unico]

It must be hard having a mother depend on you like that without trying to get over her addiction I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[AvidReader]

Hi Elana05 -- That does sound rough. Relationships with parents are so fraught with emotion, and when one or both is an alcoholic or abusing some other substance, it gets worse.

If it makes you feel any better, I know how you feel. I'm in my 40s and still struggling with these sorts of issues -- not the exact ones you describe, but just in general, in regard to my talking to my dad (my mom's dead -- that's a topic for another thread though), and I keep telling myself that after all these years I should not be struggling with these feelings!

It's so easy to say (and write), not easy at all to do.

I wish you the best. You are not alone, at least!

[madisgram]

oh elena i'm so sorry the situation continues. are u still going to 12 step meetings? are u speaking up about what u're going thru right now and how u feel? others won't know you're not ok unless you do. more meetings are better than less. phone numbers of those ppl help cause you can call them when you feel down. i hope u're still going cause you need support. you've come so far dealing with your mom.
you're right you can't change her but you know that YOU can change YOU. your mom is still taking you hostage. when she tries even on the phone i suggest you say what you posted here, "mom, i cannot help you, only you can help yourself." then tell her you're busy with something or just leaving your home and need to get off the phone. she will continue to try to push your buttons but standing firm with her will give you the deserved peace of mind you need.
her alcohol use aids in her depression. it's a sedative. so if she'd stop drinking it's possible her depression would lift.
i know you love your mom or i believe you do but this situation is unfavorable for your own mental health. remember what you've learned already and put it to good use. unfortunately that is the only way you can help her. by not getting sucked in anymore you will be forcing her to take a good look at her own actions. by sticking to this plan you will lessen the tendency for feeling angry and sad. that can lead you to depression. you don't deserve that. please don't give her that power over you.
i've been so proud of you. i know you can tap into your resources at home and here. i'm here for you if u want to pm me. hugs...and be good to yourself. many times that is where we find the kindness we need-it's within us.

[Elana05]

Thanks everyone, unico and AvidReader.

Madisgram,
Thank you for your wise words I will definitely be going back to read this over again when I feel down.
Yup, in ACoA and Al Anon 2X a week.
Your subtitle: "Happy, joyous, and free!" I love this. That's where I am going! (I wish I was on the express and not the local, but hey...)

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I put up with it also, for many many years with my mother. It is sad that I feel I never really knew the real her due to her lifelong addiction to alcohol. You will begin to heal yourself when you able to cut your emotional ties with your mother....although I know it is easier said than done. For me, this only toward the very end of her life. I hope that one day you can look back and realise you have become a stronger person with all you have endured. Good luck.