[Hunny]

http://fascenter.samhsa.gov/document...guageFASD2.pdf

http://www.fetalalcoholsyndromehelp.com/

[Hunny]

With all that has gone in my life I never did have to become addicted to alcohol. I really appreciate this.

The consequences of the disease has been large in my life. Nothing changes the past, not even positive thinking or meditation in the present. It is what it is.

But what does help is realizing that no matter how much the non-alcoholic strives to have relationship with those in the past or even present that it makes not one iota of difference. Best let go and just get on with what makes self happy or content.

Lately, I have less and less tolerance for those that continue to live the miserable life of living with the alcoholic, relating to the alcoholic, jumping up and down for them or asking how high. Matter of fact the ones that go on and on about their younger sisters or the fact that they were the oldest in the family and had to carry all the weight of everything or whatever drive me bananas and so I just drift off... or walk away from them and actually it's quite liberating! If I have to hear one more time how they had to help their younger siblings I think I'll just barf.

The dad's side of our family has a history of alcohol abuse. One of his brothers, an uncle died in a car accident, both he, the dad and their dad are alcoholics. The dad never had relationship with his dad nor did I with mine to any extent. No loss, if you know what I mean. I followed in the dad's footsteps following this way, with his dad, no relationship with him to speak of. Of course one of my brothers also died early having suffered with many years of the disease. They are all gone and I can finally say whew! Thank God! All the striving is gone and it is actually a real relief! Truly liberating! I mean it used to be sad too but not anymore. Maybe if they believed we may meet again but even that is no longer important to me. pffff! Know what I mean. If we try to please people that is where the tangle is. Best to stick to my own beliefs and not aim to be a people pleaser.

It is really is a crappy disease but you don't have to follow in their footsteps nor in the footsteps of the (nut balm) co dependents, if you don't want to. If you don't know how, find a way. Sometimes the worst ones are the co dependents, ugh! Can drive you truly bonkers, if you let them. Best to walk away from them, far away.

Cheers,
sipping on my ice tea

[madisgram]

yes hunny the only person who can help the alcoholic is the alcoholic himself. trying to fix the alcoholic doesn't change anything except negatively affect that person. adult children of alcoholics and al-anon have helped so many ppl who have an active alcoholic in their life. they are of the premise to enlighten the person of how not to enable the alcoholic or be co-dependent. they are designed to help the person to help themselves, not the alcoholic.

[Hunny]

Complaining about the drinker does no good at all whatsoever! They'd just as soon die as make anyone feel better, so pffft with them and pffft to those who choose to get dragged down by not getting help.

The only ones who can't get help are children from the womb to about age 11 or so and that is because the alcoholic and the co-dependents can keep it a secret till then, keep it all hush, hush. It is really criminal to harm children. The perpetrators, drunks and the codependents, should be kept away from the children completely. If they're getting help in 3D or online and I mean real help, and are serious about it, then okay, otherwise take the children away from them, completely, forever!

Recovering alcoholics and codependents out of denial, need to help more. How? Restitution for what has gone before. Notice I did not say revenge. Restitution is quite different.

[madisgram]

oh hunny, i feel you have much anger or resentment from all that you witnessed growing up with so many ppl who were alcoholic. can you let go of those feelings? i could be off the mark and mean you no harm. it makes me sad tho to read how you feel. i wish you the best on your journey of life. free from the alcoholics in your family.
be aware too that so many ppl with alcoholics in their life are still stuck with the behaviors of having alcoholism with ppl in their life. they still suffer if they don't realize help is out there for them. that's why this forum. they are looking for answers from those of us that can offer suggestions to them and to get help.
alcoholism is called a family disease cause the alcoholic causes disfunction with everyone in the family, not just themselves. i feel you are aware of this fact. many persons either finds a way to break free or remain stuck even if they don't realize it.

[Hunny]

Confusing passion with anger is what I come up against when I speak my mind but I won't be muzzled. As in home of origin or when I've visited alcoholic's meetings when truth is spoken they try to analyze me. Nope, not anymore. Try as you like. It is a matter of perspective.

I have compassion and kindness for those seeking help, bring them on, however, codependents can be as manipulative/liars/etc as the alcoholic, to get their way, take it from an expert. It is almost unbearable to sit in a room full of codependents who think they are now well or have arrived and watch them move in on other people's lives.

However, there is hope so please stick to analyzing your own motives and see that healthy anger about abuse of children (in the womb or till they are of an age when they can disclose) in the alcoholic family is quite, quite appropriate. Taking action on that abuse in also appropriate, so what are you and I doing about it?

[purple_fins]

Hunny-- you are an inspiration.

I have been a co-dependant type my WHOLE life..... now T. is helping me to get out of this awful cycle. (much trauma, abuse and neglect from birth on....)
My VERY survival as a child relied on me being co-dependant. the mother required it as did the older siblings that would often hurt me.

I truly thought I had it licked though-- I was so vigilent in looking for the partner that WAS SO NOT like my birth family. He didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't gamble his weeks wages away or use drugs. He got a degree and worked and worked.... but... seems life took it's toll on him(and I missed the warning signs -- didn't have anything to compare- healthy vs unhealthy to!) somehow-- I'm right back-- just like in my birth family.

just this morning I told him how his drinking is pushing me away-- and of course-- to be expected(with the help from T., I'm realizing just how "they" can be) -- HE GOT mad at ME!... but.. with the help of T., I'm going to stick to my "fight" and not give in.... I think I will truly crumble this time if I do, fall to the darkness and not come back....

I feel your determination and that gives me strength and hope.

thank you

fins

[Hunny]

Thank you. I was beginning to wonder if there was anyone else out there who could really 'sense' the fullness of the meaning of this thread, not that it matters. It's criminal what 'they' do to children. It has to stop!

I cannot be hi-jacked by 'them', only if I let them. I am an adult child of two alcoholics and this is an adult child forum and I am writing about me and you are writing about you! It is my life and I am living it, whoo hoo!

I cannot help them one bit and sinking into the darkness or abyss of their addiction, no matter if they have 2 phds or are a street person, it is NOT what I do. The child couldn't get free but I can. What I can do and do, do is take care of me. I let them go. Bye bye. lol It is the absolute best!

I realize it takes a lot for me to formulate these words and get them out but get them out I will. I can only get stronger and stronger. Going back to that darkness of their life is NOT an option as I am not them. I know too much now and that life is not for me.

You can have this determination too. 'Take hold we goin' for a ride' but I can't lead you nor you me but we can step out together, with others of like mind, and stand and go out into the future day by day, taking hold of what is best for each of us.

Compassion for 'them' has nothing to with it. Compassion for me is what is important now. Sure I can care but I cannot be a part of 'them' anymore. They will drag you down, so make a choice to live who you are.

Originally Posted by purple_fins

Hunny-- you are an inspiration.

I have been a co-dependant type my WHOLE life..... now T. is helping me to get out of this awful cycle. (much trauma, abuse and neglect from birth on....)
My VERY survival as a child relied on me being co-dependant. the mother required it as did the older siblings that would often hurt me.

I truly thought I had it licked though-- I was so vigilent in looking for the partner that WAS SO NOT like my birth family. He didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't gamble his weeks wages away or use drugs. He got a degree and worked and worked.... but... seems life took it's toll on him(and I missed the warning signs -- didn't have anything to compare- healthy vs unhealthy to!) somehow-- I'm right back-- just like in my birth family.

just this morning I told him how his drinking is pushing me away-- and of course-- to be expected(with the help from T., I'm realizing just how "they" can be) -- HE GOT mad at ME!... but.. with the help of T., I'm going to stick to my "fight" and not give in.... I think I will truly crumble this time if I do, fall to the darkness and not come back....

I feel your determination and that gives me strength and hope.

thank you

fins