My alcoholic father just passed...

My father was an alcoholic all of my life. About a year and a half ago, his circulation in his legs started going bad, and his liver wasn't going to survive detox. He wasn't going to survive drinking, either.

My father turned into a person I did not know after detox. He threatened to commit suicide. This was not like him. He was not an extremely depressed person, and when he was depressed, he didn't let it affect his everyday life. My dad became a recluse. He would not leave his room. I feel horrible. I should've gone in and spoken to him... I should've told him I loved him and gave him a hug. I should've told him he wasn't alone, and that I was there for him if he needed me. But instead, I was afraid. I was afraid to deal with my father dying and convinced myself that this was just an effect of the detox. That it was like his drinking binges... it'd be over and he'd come out, go to the doctor, and get better.

He spent about a year in his room, refusing to come out. He refused to go to the doctor, mental health asylums told us we couldn't force him. One agency would say we couldn't force him to go to a doctor, another would tell us we could if he harmed himeslf, another would tell us yes, that's the case, but if he wants to leave (or refuses the ambulance) and you try to make him you can be charged with assault.... So I made myself believe it was going to get better on its own. I did write my dad a letter, saying I missed and loved him. If I hadn't done that, I can't imagine how much worse I'd feel.

The very last time I saw my father, I was going in to get some money my mother had left for me on the table. I yelled to him in his room that it was me, and I was just dropping in to grab some money. His door accidentally opened. My father was pitiful, and I hadn't seen him in close to a year. He hadn't showered and his clothes were falling off of him. He could hardly walk. I keep thinking now that I killed him because I didn't go in and talk to him. He couldn't walk to come after me and I just ran out of the house because I was afraid to deal with it... When I left that day, I had the sinking feeling that would be the last time I saw my father. I should've done something to change that, should've told him I loved him, should've made him feel more alone.... but the last time I had tried to go in, I'd knocked and he refused to answer. My mother checked on him daily and cleaned up his restroom matter because he was too weak to make it to the bathroom at the very end.

I know my father did not want to die in a hospital in diapers. He was not that kind. But I wish he would've let me say goodbye. We found out after his death that his liver problem was worse than we thought, and he was in extreme pain every day. He should've been on pain medication, extreme pain medication, but since he refused to go to the doctor he didn't have any. I know he was probably going through extreme depression because of dying, but I wish he had come out. I wish he had talked to me before he died. Because now I can't shake this feeling that this is all my fault, that it could've gone differently if I was moral support instead of a coward, that maybe I could've helped my dad from being less depressed. Then again, my mom was there every day... checked on him every day... She said he had only eaten a couple bites in weeks, that his leg got bruised and his circulation was so bad his entire leg was discolored after a week (this was right before he died)...

I didn't know where else to post this. I just hope that this pain can ease. I hope I can believe there's some kind of afterlife, and that somewhere, my father has forgiven me for my weakness and that he still loves me like he did before he got so depressed and sick. Being the child of an alcoholic was a rough road, filled with days of dad passing out early in the afternoon, senseless fights, the inability to go anywhere and trips to the ABC store at too young an age....

But to those of you who are children of alcoholics, please remember your parents are still your parents... I'm not saying I was perfect by letting my dad refuse to leave his room for another year, but I didn't know what else to do... But if you're at all emotionally capable, and you do love them, appreciate them while they're here, even if it's hard and trying....

Hi Ashley, welcome!

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a parent isn't an easy thing to deal with at all.

Ashleyford take some time to mourn and then move on. Be so very kind to yourself.

I am grateful certain ones are out of their misery even though I used to feel guilt. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that I could do to help them. I see that very clearly.

I feel quite a lot of gratitude and relief they are gone. I can now live my life fully in more ways than one and by that I mean really living not carrying around shame or guilt for them or for myself. I am free, indeed innwardly and in terms of not having to watch their decline.

What kind things can you do for yourself today, just one thing and then another thing tomorrow. Yes, sadness can be there but you deserve joy. Please find some for you.

Thank you both.

Hunny, I'm not sure if there was anything I could've done or not. I'm at the stage where I wonder what I could've gone back and done differently, and I think I should've overcome my fear of death and seeing my father die and reach out to him... but he didn't answer the door when I knocked, he locked himself in his room... but I should've beat the door down and begged him to go to the doctor like a normal daughter instead of hiding.... But I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to ignore his alcoholism, trying to ignore the binges and him passing out and the fights and all those things and maybe I became too good at it and lost the last year with my father because of it... I just hope I can forgive myself. Unfortunately, unlike you, I have a lot of shame and guilt.... I'm going to try to forgive myself, and try to believe he's forgiven me now too.

Yeah, you'd think after they've gone that the guilt and shame would stop...but alas it will take as long as it takes...but the longer I look and see the devastation of this disease the more I see that I am always the drunks 2nd, 3rd or 4th love...never ever their first. It makes it easier for me know that. It also makes all the self flaggelation unwarranted. It's pointless, it just perpetuates the disease in my own life if I go that route and well I'm done with it. It is about my life now.

I don't know quite when she (they) stopped being my worry and concern in her (their death) probably when I finally got help for me...(the whole kit and kaboodle of us). Now I know I am just as worthy of fun, joy, life as I wanted for her (them).

Thanks for your sharing. Keep taking care of yourself.

Sending you warm hugs, Ashleyford. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You sound like a kind and caring person.

I feel and understand your pain. PLease try not to be hard on yourself, dealing with an alcoholic parent for a lifetime is not an easy task. My own mother passed last year, and like your Dad was really at the end of the road. She died of cancer caused by alcohol and smoking. In the end, I could hardly bring myself to see her (she lives overseas). I will never forget the last visit. She was skin and bone, dirty house, and still drinking and smoking to the bitter end. It is now a year on and the sadness of her life continues to stay with me. I have had a lot of counselling over the years and I think i can finally accept that i could not change the outcome. I take comfort in the fact that wherever she is now, it is better than what she had on this earth. I feel for you so much, try and believe that you will one day look back on this as a stronger person. I read a poem when my sister and I scattered Mums ashes. Its called "The Next Place"........look it up and hold on to hope. Lx

i'm so sorry for your pain and loss. your father chose the right to decide how he lived and died. there is no guilt for you to absorb. you did your best in a very difficult situation. may your father now rest in peace. he paid a huge price for his alcoholism as so many do.
i understand your feeling like you were helpless to fix him. i understand your sadness but he did know you loved him based on what you shared. you might find ACOA a place where you can deal with your emotions and feelings of powerlessness. many have found solace there.

I'm really sorry to hear this, Ashley. I hope you feel better soon.

Hello, ashleyford. You are in my thoughts.

Hi Ashley,

What you've shared here could absolutely have been written by a young woman I consider part of my family, we're related by marriage, about her father. Beth is divorced with a 10-year old daughter and shares the care of her divorced parents with a sibling who lives out of state.

Beth is a pretty, kind, hardworking, responsible person - not one person on earth who knows her can imagine how she keeps her sanity, particularly when it comes to her father. This man could do better for himself, he could sober-up and be the grandfather his little granddaughter wants more than anything on earth, he could help Beth by making at least some effort to help himself - but he wants none of it, he chooses (and fights for his right) to stay drunk and smoke himself to death in a home so filthy that no sane person would want to enter it.

Addiction is tragic, no doubt about that. It consumes not only the person who is addicted but also every person who WANTS to love them and help them but cannot because to a great degree they do become afraid. Your fear and reluctance to get involved probably weren't anything you invented, they were probably the result of more frustration, disappointment, heartbreak and pain than you realize.

Beth is an innocent victim of her father's choices; my guess is you are too. Sometimes things happen that send people into situations where they can't help being addicted to alcohol, sometimes (as in Beth's father's case) the person doesn't want to help themselves, they're intelligent enough to recognize what they're doing but they have no desire to improve. Beth, much like you, blames herself for a lot of her father's behavior and will live her entire life trying to figure out what she's missing, what is it that SHE can't identify that would change her father...and I pray that that sense of sadness doesn't someday lead her down a similar path.

Others have said what I have to believe better than I could have - you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know it's easier to say that than to accept it but it's true. None of us can live someone else's life for them but tragically the way a lot of people choose to live their lives will impact the lives of those who wanted to love them forever.