Constant fear of alcoholism

I am the child of an alcoholic. My father was the child of an alcoholic and I suspect his father was as well. The family legacy has left me constantly questioning my drinking patterns.

My husband was raised in a family without any additions and he says I'm 'normal' but I fear my kids growing up in a similar atmosphere that I did, and I panic and stop drinking. But then I feel just as controlled by the not drinking.

I don't drink much. Maybe three or four on a Sat night. One on a Tues night with my mother-in-law and that's it. But even if I just have one, I wake with such guilt and anxiety. I am so depressed the next day that I won't drink for a month and the moment I have even one, I feel bad again. But if I don't, I feel like I'm letting my past control me. Alcohol is not the problem for me, it's my attitude towards it, and I know it will eventually affect my kids. I'll either be a tee totaller or drink and feel anxiety no matter the frequency or quantity.

Sorry for the vagueness. I have never sought any type of help or discussion over my family's addiction issues. I have never discussed it outside my marriage but the older I get, the more I realise it has affected me.

Please be gentle Is it inevitable that I will have issues with alcohol? I have two siblings. One has not had a drink in ten years, and the other has the same issues as me (anxiety, guilt, periods of abstinence etc)

Being the child of an alcoholic, you obviously have seen what it can do to a person, and to the family as a whole. Alcohol not only destroys the drinker, but it destroys families as well. A good share of the time the children grow up with all sorts of problems, including alcoholism along with things such as guilt, shame, resentments, etc.

I'd suggest that you seek counseling for your fears, preferably with someone who has experience with addiction problems in families.

You might even want to attend some Al-Anon meetings and hear what they have to say about living with the alcoholic. It might prove very helpful to you.

I think you're wise to be "careful" about drinking as alcoholism does run in families. We go out and party and think we're having fun -- and pretty soon those 3 or 4 drinks turn into 6 or 7 -- and then more until we cross that invisible line into alcoholism! Since both my parents were alcoholics, I had always sworn I'd never drink like them, but I also became an alcoholic and drank heavily for over 20 years!!! I finally woke up and called AA --and they saved my life.

I wish you the very best. I understand your fears. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

FEAR
F.-False
E.-Emotions
A.-Appearing
R.-Real
i agree with lee. seeking help for your concerns may help you.

FWIW I'm a child of alcoholics. I've never felt a desire or temptation to go beyond two drinks in an evening. That isn't to say that genetics or environment doesn't have a role in alcoholism but I'd say that it does mean that there are exceptions if those two factors are important indicators. I'm not sure this is pertinent but I hope so. Good luck

I would teach myself to gently laugh at your anxiety/guilt, as long as you are not drinking in an unhealthy way. I know I was taught to always give the man the "bigger" piece of meat and now (at 61) I still look at the meat and feel anxiety if I try to give myself more! Last night we had 5 lamb chops, for example, and I love lamb but my husband, not so much (we often go to restaurants where I can have lamb since we don't have it at home) so I gave myself 3 and my husband 2 but I tried to give him the biggest two!

When it was really ridiculous, I would actually eyeball two hamburger patties for a long time and I did deliberately give myself the slightly larger one once and was laughing hysterically by the time I got 10 feet to serve them, I was feeling so bad and knew it was ridiculous, and explained to my husband why and the two of us laughed together.

I think it is only by having experience with all the scenarios, knowing and trusting yourself and what you want, and "practice" that you can get to where you will feel more comfortable with whatever you decide upon. I would have a talk with your children about drinking, drugs, addiction, as soon as they are old enough and tell them some about your experiences with your father and your fears for yourself and them, etc., keep the communication lines open and let them know they can come to you and talk to you about your drinking or their own urges at any time and that you will listen. I think that will probably help you the most, hearing what they have to say instead of "imagining" things based on your own experiences.

I feared drinking for the longest time because I was afraid I would become an alcoholic like my dad. The deal I made myself is this:

• No more than one drink a night ever.
• Never to drink when I feel like "I could use a drink".

So far this and remaining vigilant has worked. I think the second point, never drinking when I "feel" I need a drink, is very important. Alcoholics use alcohol to avoid life. So if you make sure you stay front and center in those times you feel like running away, you won't need to crawl into a bottle, because you've dealt with those feelings and the situation that created them.

I hope this helps.

Being an alcoholic is not about how often I drank. I could change my brand or environment but the bottom line is i was drinking away feelings. Every so often i had to drink. When I would take 1 or 2 drinks I would need more. And I would always tell myself I could do it again and this time it would be different. I also lied to myself and others about the amount of alcoholc I consumed. Those things pretty much define alcoholism.

Adult Children of Alcoholics tend to have the same problems, just without the alcohol, and there are excellent 12-step fellowships for that. Alanon (esp the "adult child" meetings) and Adult Children of Alcoholics. Alanon is a gentler place to start.

You will have to diagnose yourself and try these various fellowships to find where you belong. It will require your own action. You can spend the next 50 years trying to "figure it out" or think your way out of your problems but that won't work. Therapy also is not typically enough. There is a reason millions of people are in 12-step fellowship.

I always fancied myself a very smart, sensible, educated woman and never thought I belonged in those places. Not only did I belong, I have stayed sober for over a decade and am healing from my Adult Child and codependency issues.

Best of luck.

No, it's not inevitable. People always say with absolute certainty that children of an alcoholic become alcoholics themselves and it irritates me to no end. There's a HUGE difference between something that's likely to happen and something that's bound to happen.

My father is a recovered alcoholic. I'm mentally ill because of the environment he created for our family when I was growing up: unsafe, unpredictable, with no love. So I'm told I'll probably become an alcoholic because of my father's drinking AND because of my depression. Except it's not gonna happen I don't even drink.

I used to avoid alcohol because of all this pressure that was put on me whenever the subject of alcoholism was brought up. Everyone was acting like I'm doomed, like there's no hope for me and I was so scared they could be right... I told myself: Let's nip it in the bud: if I don't drink I won't be able to become an alcoholic.

I later found out it was unnecessary. I have been drunk only a few times in my life and I didn't even like it. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about and why it's supposed to be so tempting. Now I know: it does nothing for me. Nothing happened, I didn't start craving a drink, I didn't develop an addiction, no bottomless pit opened to swallow me whole. Now I'm way more relaxed about it. I don't get uncomfortable when offered a drink, I don't decline a cookie if it's flavoured with alcohol and while I don't drink or get drunk I can enjoy a little Maraschino on my ice-cream a couple times a year. No worries

I wish you luck and good things in life

No one here said it's inevitable that you'll become an alcoholic. And you're not "mentally ill", and no psychiatrist is going to be able to help you heal. This is a matter for the rooms of 12-step recovery. Booze or no booze, the illness is the same. Symptoms can differ in people too, but the bottom line Problem and Solution is the same.

We in 12-step recovery are the only ones who can truly help you heal.

Your Pride is stopping you from going, and that's the very nature of this disease.

Hopefully you won't have to have another crisis before you're ready to come find us.

Is alcohol part of your relationship with your husband or your social life with friends? I understand why you're worried about the addiction issue and that's probably been covered enough.

But maybe not, if there's some reason why not drinking simply because you choose not to isn't a choice. Is it?

I want to mention that addictions can be passed on to subsequent generations, as they were in my case. If you have children--However things turn out for you, kids need to be aware of any genetic predispositions they may carry.

It's also about the dysfunction, though. This is where 12-step recovery is a necessity. When Mom has recovery the kids will be healthier. I wish my mom had recovery. My whole life would have been markedly better.

OzzieMe's question was: "Is it inevitable that I will have issues with alcohol?" I quoted it and was replying to that.
Yes, I am. I have a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, an ED and a few other things.

My pride? My crisis? I don't know why you seem convinced that you know me, but I assure you that's not the case and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pass any more judgement on my life and my person, at least without knowing me, because I have enough of that irl. Thank you.

I know you because you are me. So of course there is no judgment.

Anxiety is fear.
Depression comes from all forms of "self".
Medicines don't cure ED.

These are all very human problems and they don't get better without a spiritual aspect being added into the solution to change the thinking, where is where it all comes from. In fact, what doctors do to people with medicine and therapy is incredibly selfish - homocidal, in fact. And don't think they don't know it. They are well aware that people are recovering every day in 12-step fellowship, which by the way, got its spiritual/mental/physical solution for Carl Jung - a psychologist!

If you're anything like me, you'll have to try everything in medicine/psychiatry under the sun before you get the willingness to try 12-step recovery.

Every human being has pride, and that is, in fact, what stops us from getting close to God (the solution) in 12-step fellowship.

And no, I'm not religious. Or a weirdo. in fact, I'm a very smart, resourceful lady who wasted decades trying to 'figure it out" before i surrendered and asked for help in the right place. let me have done it for you already, please.

Don't give up on yourself. There is a Way Out.

I don't believe anything is inevitable until it happens. My genetic markers for Alzheimer's are as strong as they are for alcoholism, yet at 66 I am showing no signs of Alzheimer's in spite of my docs & me watching expectantly. Both my dad & his mom were clearly suffering by this age. Both also suffered from alcoholism. My grandmother was a multiple drug addict.

Predisposition does seem to be a pattern that can be passed along in the genes. I've never hear any scientist assign inevitability as a genetic trait, however.

Nothing's inevitable, unless you give up and let the inevitable become you.

At least that's what I think.

Roadie

Dear OzzieMe:

AA isn't the "one & only" way ... It's a wonderful system that works well for many people, but it doesn't work well for ALL people ...

I grew up in a family system with rampant alcohol abuse ... I was also raped, beaten and brutalized on a near daily basis by these violent, incestous alcoholics ... It left me with a bad case of C-PTSD, in addition to some alcohol abuse issues of my own ... I didn't "escape" until I was 33.5 years of age ...

AA didn't work for me and was actually quite damaging because being forced to admit I'm "powerless" only served to trigger and traumatize me further ...

After living in such a violent and chaotic environment for all those years I was so damaged by being held "captive" and abused for so long that it was just another form of torment (true or not) to have to admit I'm "powerless" ...

Once my therapist and I figured out that AA was hurting me more than it was helping me we came up with alternative solutions ... The first thing we did was draw up an agreement that I wouldn't drink while she and I were working together ... Even years later when she and I were no longer seeing each other I still honored that agreement ...

I still have issues with trust and belief ... I'm certainly not about to hand my power over to any person or higher power by admitting I'm powerless ... Including AA ...

I am not powerless ... I am strong, I am smart, I am a survivor ... I know and have seen how badly alcohol can mess people up and all the evil, mean and stupid stuff they can do while under the influence of it ... And, Oh! What a wonderful way they use that as an excuse for their behavior ...

I have the power to not become any of that, and so do you ... I wish you the best of luck, and in parting I'd just like to say that simply by you asking this question, it's a pretty durn good sign that you are not going to end up having the issues with it that the rest of your family has ...

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

One of the greatest tragedies in the world today over the past 4 or so decades is that people would come into AA and we would not show them where the REAL program of recovery, or what "powerless" really means and why it's so necessary to emotional healing, esp to those of us w/the issues you described.

We "made up" directions out of the wrong AA book and tried to drag them through it and they never healed.

We just didn't know what we were doing.

The program of recovery the founders handed down to us had been watered down so badly by the 1970s that thousands of alcoholics had the same negative experience as you did. I'm sorry for that. And I experienced the same thing for my first 8 years of recovery.

One of the greatest things happening in the world today is that AA is going back to the Original program of recovery. We have begun to see what it is that the founders actually were asking us to do. I committed to do that specific work and recovered - just as I was about to die of untreated alcoholism SOBER. (I was going to kill myself)

If things ever get real bad for you and you're reeling in that pain from personal relationship problems or your head can't "stop" or all the other alcoholic emotional stuff gets too bad, please give it another try and listen in the meetings to the people who are talking about the Solution.

You just might find a life you never knew existed - something you can't even imagine.

I did.

@Woman Healing:

Glad AA has worked for you ... But, it's not for me ... Nevertheless, the path I have chosen has served me just as well these past 19 years ...

Regardless ... It matters not which option is explored and utilized as long as the person in need of assistance is being helped by it ...

Sincerely,
BC

Yes! Absolutely. There's not one path to sobriety any more than there's one road to Omaha.

I wonder whether OzzieMe, the member who started this thread, is even still with us. That's my problem with alliances: They so often get in the way. I hope in our off-topic discussions off "best way" we didn't lose a person. Why do I do that?!

Yes. I would just remember that it's about a lot more than just not drinking.

The "disease", which lives in the ego, hates the Solution to itself. That's it's main job. What a paradox!