Discovery - spouse of 30 years is ACOA

Hi,

This is similar to a recent post but I didn't want to hijack their thread.

I'm married to an ACOA. It took thirty years to find this out. We've been to marriage counseling several times over the years. The first told us in the last session that we had a "father-daughter" relationship and basically left to figure out if we could live that way or not.

Last Christmas my wife lost it. Christmas has always been a stressful time of year for us. We have three children... two in college, and they came home for the holidays.

This year my wife found out that our daughter shared some personal information with me and also with her older brother that she (my wife) was not yet privy to. This news sent my wife into a tailspin, focusing all her anger onto her daughter at the thought of her daughter not feeling comfortable talking to her.

I understood completely why my daughter wasn't comfortable talking to her mom. My wife put guilt trip on top of guilt trip on my daughter for not "sharing" or calling often enough. Not staying on the phone long enough. Not sharing "bad news" with her, but instead only sharing "happy" news.

The fact was, my daughter was nothing but happy! She had a boyfriend and was living life to the fullest. The few unhappy things she had she worked out with her boyfriend. But there didn't seem to be too much of that.

Anyway, the news slowly consumed my wife over the next couple of weeks until the house was like a tomb. All happiness was gone. Everyone was more or less waiting for Christmas to be over so they could go back to their respective colleges and get away.

Tension peaked near Christmas day, with my wife yelling at our daughter and putting the guilt trip on to the max. I'd had enough. I told my wife to get out! I've never done that before. It was horrible but I had to do something.

She left and went down the street to talk with our good friends. It helped. And she came back home calmer and did not have any more outbursts while they were here but the tension remained. All I could think to myself is I couldn't blame my daughter if she never came back for Christmas again.

It was then that I sought counsel with my pastor. Fifteen minutes in, he asked, "is there any alcoholism in your wife's family?" He went on to say that what I was describing sounded very much like an adult child of an alcoholic.

Eyes wide open!

Everything started to make sense. The patterns of behavior, how she reacted to things, our lack of intimacy, taking life so serious all the time, hating the loss of control, feeling threatened whenever I got upset with anything she did, no matter how small, the inability to solve problems together, how she would explain "why" she did something instead of appologising (this is a big one), the desparate need to get a diploma and always having to get a 100% score on EVERY test... it goes on and on and on!!!

I love my wife... but I'm tired. It helps knowing now why she acts the way she does... why her reactions often catch me off guard, why she is rarely "playful" or acts spontaneously, or kids around... People have asked me why she "seems so serious" on a vacation we were on.

But when one of us is sick or a family member dies, or a neighbor is having problems, she springs into action, being the most attentive, loving, understanding person you could ever wish to meet... to the point of her hitting a wall of exhaustion.

I'm tired. I don't know where our relationship is going now. I have spoken (carefully) to her about ACOA and have encouraged her to go to a meeting. It doesn't help that there seems to be no meetings withing sixty miles of us. But she doesn't see what I see. She says, "I'm always trying to "fix" her."

I've watched her sabbotage many close friend relationships over the years, never recognizing that she was part of the equation.

I also recognise that I am part of our relationship equation. I am more than willing to go back to counseling with her. I still love her. But her lack of affection with me has dwindled to almost nothing. I feel affection starved! The balance of loving relationship with everyday life problems just isn't there.

So I found my way here. I need something to get better. I need to feel love and affection (not necessarily sex... I miss the gentle touches a couple gives to each other when they are together. I do these things with her but she does not ever ever reciprocate).

I'm trying but oh so tired.

Oh jeez. I'm so sorry. Again, alcoholism strikes another family. This is so sad.

Obviously your wife is "sick" but is in denial. She won't see that which is looking at her right in the mirror. I wish your kids were home, so you could all sit down for a "mini-intervention." Then it would be difficult for her to deny everything.

Will the kids be home for the summer? I'm wondering if you could perhaps arrange for your pastor to come while all the kids were there, and ALL of you (wife included) talk to her about how this is affecting the whole family? Tell her how these outbursts, etc., have hurt, how her anger at your daughter at Christmas was unwarranted, etc. I'm sure there are plenty of things you could point out to her so that she'd realize what an effect she's having on everyone and that she needs HELP. THEN perhaps she would be willing to go into therapy!!! But your pastor would HAVE to be there!!! Actually a trained "interventionist" should be there too, but I don't know if you could find one close by or not.

She definitely needs help. If you don't want to try the intervention, you may want to tell her that it's either therapy, or the marriage is over -- IF that's what you're feeling. It DOES sound like you're at the end of your rope!

I'm so sorry this has come to light after all these years! I hope something can be done and SOON. Being a recovering alcoholic, I know first hand what it does to families, and thankfully I got my family back on track and we're doing fine now! But I sure was a creep for a long time and I had to make amends for that.

God bless you and I wish you the very best. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Leed,

I didn't know how I would be accepted here. I care for my wife a lot. She's a good person and we've raised three wonderful children together. But I feel like her needs and emotional upheavels always overtake my own. I don't think I need much. I just want to be happy and would like to feel like I bring her happiness. I am affection starved.

Her Mom is very sick and for the last three months, she has been gone to take care of her. My teenage son and I have managed on our own through this period and we've done alright. I had to change my work hours and he had to go to school earlier than normal but it worked and I would pick him up a little later.

For those three months, I did not feel like I was missing affection more than when my wife was here. There were fewer arguments, emotional outbursts and there was a peace in the home I haven't felt in a long time.

I honestly wanted to miss her... but sadly, I really did not. That sounds terrible to say, but there it is. I love her. She is a good person, but I feel lonely and unloved. She loves me. But I feel unloved.

R

I know how you feel. And I know the PEACE you're feeling with her gone. It's OKAY to admit that you didn't really miss her.

I suspect that your wife is giving YOU what SHE was given from her parents, which isn't a whole lot. Probably she too was 'starved' for affection and love, since she came from an alcoholic home. The alcoholic is a very SELFISH person, thinking only of himself/herself and how they're going to get their next drink. They're having an affair with the bottle, and nothing or no one else makes any difference. This was how it was in my home growing up. Both my parents were alcoholics, and we got NO attention at all. Nothing. Us kids were like "furniture." We were just there. Consequently we ended up pretty screwed up but I vowed that my kids would NOT ever be starved for affection, and I lavished it on them -- I've told them daily that I love them, and til the day they left home, I tucked them in at night -- isn't that weird? They weren't too pleased about that, but they tolerated me. LOL

Your wife can't give you what she doesn't have. She can ONLY do that if she goes into therapy, and she really needs to do that for her OWN sake as well as yours!!! I doubt she even realizes what she's doing and why! But it sure sounds like what my parents did and how they passed it on to us. Until your wife puts a stop to it, your kids may do the same thing, if they haven't already! Hopefully they recognized what happened, and are being totally affectionate with their own kids if they have any. This will keep being passed on for generations if someone doesn't nip it in the bud!

I feel for you -- I really do. But I hope you can enjoy your peace while you still have some time. It may give you some time to sort out your thoughts, etc. God bless and please take GOOD care of yourself. And PLEASE keep us updated, ok? Hugs, Lee

Your story sounds so muck like mine only I am the ACOA and have am just accepting it and trying to take responsibility before it is too late for my marriage. My dad was an alcoholic and very abusive during my childhood. I dealt by working all the time and feeling guilty if I was having fun. Traits which follow me today. I have been married now for 9 years and my wife has been telling me that I have sucked the life out of our relationship due to my insecurities. Many of the behaviors you mention are ones that I exhibit totally unintentional and sub conciously. My wife says she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I feel like I am pouring all I can into the relationship without any affection, emotion in return and I feel so alone and helpless. We are headed to counseling next week and the first thing I am owning up to is my condition and that I want to fix it. I don't know how it will turn out but until that person accepts it nothing will happen. I have been in denial for so many years. What was helpful for me is reading the stories on this website, from those I have shed lots of tears realizing that I have been the one corrupting our marriage and hope its not too late to repair it. Try to get your wife to read some of these stories, they helped me take that first step and hopefully she will quickly recognize the behaviors (always busy, helping others in need etc.) and take some action with you. :Best of luck.

Rossfree, I'm too mixed up with emotion after reading your post to really write a helpful reply, but I wanted to say that your post really moved me. I am an ACOA myself but never truly realized it until I was about age 40. It's strange, because after I had my second child, at age 30, I mentioned to my OB/GYN about the postpartum depression I was experiencing, and the first thing he asked me was how much my parents drank when I was growing up! He clearly must have recognized the signs, but it =still= didn't sink in, for me, until about 10 years later, when I was discharged from the hospital for depression and the physician wrote in my discharge report that I exhibited the classic signs of an ACOA. Then I finally sought help.

You sound like a loving husband. I really hope your wife seeks help, whether individual counseling or Al-Anon, which is a great alternative when there is no ACOA group within a reasonable distance. I go to Al-Anon myself for that reason.

Good luck, and please do keep us updated!

I don't know where to go. Can anyone direct me? I am an ACOA and it has just occurred to me that it has caused me a great amount of stress, somehow it's been tabled. I want some help, just a direction would be very helpful

I'm one to. My father was a drunk and I'm pretty messed up. I wenwent through the blue's with my son and I've depression. I don't know how to help. Try looking up it up and see if ya find anything

Finding this forum is a good start. I would highly recommend trying to find a nearby ACOA or Al-Anon group; I personally have found the latter to be very helpful. Even Googling the term will yield some very helpful sites.

I feel your pain. I discovered a few years ago that my husband was an ACOA. Did he tell me that he grew up in an alcoholic home? No, of course not. Total denial. We have been married over 20 years with no connection. He won't talk, won't feel, won't love, won't trust. He has no friends. He doesn't connect with anyone. Loneliness is the name of the game.
We, too, have spent a lot of time apart; more recently in the past 5 years, but throughout our marriage as well. What a sense of peace my children and I have felt over the past 5 years with him gone (on and off). No more headaches at 5:00 arrival time after work. Just pure joy when the time apart first began. Such a relief not to have the stressor around.
I asked him to get help. To do something to save our marriage and to save his relationship with his children. That was 5 years ago. That doesn't even include the begging for him to connect with his children. Has anything been done? Total denial. There is nothing left to our marriage. Nothing.
For the first 10 to 15 years, I accepted the lack of 'everything'. But when my little boy said that his daddy doesn't love him. My little girl said that "dad hates my guts". No more accepting. It wasn't me. It was him. I was willing to do marriage counseling. Was he? He's have to talk.
I feel your pain because I'm in a marriage with no feelings. I have felt like a prostitute and have gotten to the point that I won't let him touch me anymore. There is no feelings in his touch. There is nothing in his eyes. He is an empty pit of darkness.
I have prayed for him, for me, for our marriage. I once believed in us. That God brought us together. How can there be so much pain and never ever love? About ten years in to our marriage his mom even commented on whether he loved me or not. It has been so obvious that he has nothing to give in a relationship. Why have I stayed?
For the kids. Laugh. What did we teach them. It certainly wasn't how marriage and love and relationships are supposed to be. We taught them the same thing his parents taught him. Keep taking the beatings. No, he doesn't beat me. He has just broken me.
That is my story of emptiness always and relief when my acoa is gone. May God be with all of us who are living with the emptiness.

It means so much that you are understanding your wife and how it affects your lives. If she does change - and everyone in the family needs some help as well, it is going to take awhile. It will take awhile to understand who she is and what happened to her. If she changes she will have to learn new ways of coping.

I did get help...but my xhusband never wanted to participate... Well, I would have given anything for him to recognize the things you are discovering. He was a ACOA as well - and did not care to get help.

Bottom line...if she wants to change..change will take a while. She was abused. That does not mean you have to stay if she does not get help. Find out from others how you can cope in the meantime...

Very difficult situation!!! I'm glad you figured out what is going on with her..that's a huge step.