[thickntired]

Hello Everyone,

My Mother is the daughter of 2 alcoholic parents. Things were very bad for her and she had to raise her 2 brothers.

I suffer from bipolar and other fun stuff which my grandparents probably shared. My problem is that I have a very strained relationship with my Mom and I barely know my Dad. We have so much unresolved hurt and tragedy in our family. (My brother died as a child after a 4 year battle with lukemia and I was/am a druggie)

My parents are in their 70's and I don't think I will ever really be able to talk to them. I can't handle the truth so to speak. I fall apart easily. I don't know what I'm trying to say. It just seems that my Mom has a part of her shut down. Sometimes she is very cruel and says things that are hurtful. She doesn't seem to understand empathy. And now she talks about death and old age homes which I have told her upsets me.

I also made the decision to not have kids which made her freaking livid.

I don't understand what all of you have gone through. Can anyone tell me some of the experiences they had raising their own kids? In what way can the dysfunctional upbringing carry over into your own rearing because we learn from example?

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[Leed]

Your Mom is suffering the effects of being the child of alcoholic parents. She is untreated, and that's unfortunate. It would have served her well if she had gone to Al-Anon, or to a therapist.

She undoubtedly is very resentful and hurt by the abuse suffered at the hands of her parents. That CAN be conquered -- I got over it. Both my parents were alcoholics, and I DID forgive them because they gave ME what THEY were given. They couldn't give me what they didn't have. We 4 girls were totally ignored. We got NO affection or attention at all. We might as well have been the furniture. We basically brought ourselves up. But we all turned out ok -- except me. I turned into an alcoholic myself.

I drank heavily for 20 years, but I took GOOD care of my kids, I lavished love and attention on them, and they'll tell you to this day that they never doubted how much I loved them. But I did make amends to them when I quit drinking, and they forgave me, and said they knew why I drank. That's funny cause at the time, I didn't even know.

I never abused or ignored my children. They came first in my life, and booze 2nd. I also worked full time, and never missed a day due to drinking. Some days I went to work in a blackout, but I did go to work. I went to my kids school activities, etc. There were times I shouldn't have gone, but I went. I did NOT want to be like my mother/dad, and neglect my kids!!!

So in some ways I stopped the cycle. I stopped the neglect. My daughter is a great mother to her daughter. And she is NOT an alcoholic. My son has no children -- he had leukemia as a child, and it rendered him sterile.

So that's basically my story. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble relating to your Mom, but like I said, she's hurt -- she's hurting alot due to her childhood that she never healed from. She's a very unhappy woman and it's a tragedy. I wish she would seek therapy, but from the sounds of it, she would probably get angry at the suggestion. I really don't know.

I wish you the very best. Please take care of YOU. God bless & Happy Holidays. Hugs, Lee

[thickntired]

Hi Lee,

Thank you for your reply. I always thought you were a guy I do need to be reminded that my Mom was a victim, and is not fully responsible for her quirks. You hit the nail on the head. She refused therapy, Alanon, scripts etc. I was always the mental one in the family.

I'm glad you were strong enough to stop the cycle. I never had it in me.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT