wanting to reconnect with semi-estranged family over holidays

Hi. I'm the oldest daughter of a dysfunctional family. My parents, especially my mother, were very emotionally unavailable to me when I was a child, and that left me with low self-esteem and lacking social skills. I have two younger sisters, and I fought a lot as a kid with my sister (three years younger than me) and I viewed us as enemies for my whole childhood and adolescence. As a kid I always felt dislike for my family. I'm in therapy now and it looks like my self-defense mechanism was to put up a wall against my family when they weren't there for me. I wanted their love but it hurt that I wasn't getting it so I guess I told myself I didn't want or need it anyway. This has automatically carried on into adulthood now.

I moved to Japan 7 years ago when I was 23. I keep in touch with my dad only. He's the most normal of the family I guess. He emails me and tries to keep in touch, and I find it easy to open up to him because he does try and communicate with me and he is honest about his feelings.

I've always just told myself that my family situation is what it is and it can't be helped. But I guess deep down it does bug me. I do feel like a failure for not being able to be friends with my own family, even though that wasn't my fault. I feel bad that my own family doesn't contact me. They haven't called me once in the 7 years I've been here. My dad told me last Christmas he would start Skype-ing me but he never did... But it's complicated - it's not that my parents don't want to call me. I know they really want to talk to me. They just are not able to act on their own desires (and they passed that on to me too). It makes me feel bad, like I'm a difficult person to connect to. But I know I shouldn't blame myself - that was their job as parents to connect to their child.

I know when I feel rejected by someone I have a pattern or shutting down to that person, not being able to open up or be warm or sweet to them. I see this pattern in my adult life and I think it comes from the unresolved conflicts of my childhood with my younger sister. I can't tell that person that they've hurt me, or that I actually want to be close to them.

Anyway long story short, I'm going home for winter break and I want to try and reach out to my family. It's hard because I've never been myself around my family. I put up that wall against them and I felt like I had to keep going with that character once I'd started it. Part of me also feels like I don't want to be sweet to people who have hurt me... My family doesn't really talk about feelings and things...maybe only in one on one sessions with Dad. Any tips for how to go about repairing my family relationships?

It sounds to me like this has been a vicious cycle. Your parents undoubtedly were brought up with unemotional parents too -- so they passed that same unemotional-type parenting on to you. And now -- if you have children it's POSSIBLE you too might be unemotional towards them. It could have gone even further back than your grandparents. This happened to me too. My parents gave ME what THEY had been given -- which was basically nothing. No love, no attention, no nurturing, nothing. But I stopped the cycle. When I had children, I lavished attention and love on my kids and not a day goes by that I don't tell them I love them. They've never had to wonder if they were loved. My daughter now is a great mother too!

If you want to repair the relationship with your family, you can. But if depends on who you consider "yourself" to be. Do you feel that you are really a warm, caring, loving person? Is that the person you really are? If you are, then it shouldn't be TOO terribly hard to bring that person forward and be yourself! If your normal personality is warm and loving, then when you see your Mom and Dad -- go up and give them a warm hug -- if they feel uncomfortable, that's THEIR problem, not yours!!! The same with your sisters -- give them a big hug -- if they recoil -- that's not your problem. It's THEIRS. Do what feels normal & good for YOU. It doesn't matter how they react. Don't take it personally, because they just don't know HOW to react to it. They aren't trying to hurt you by it.

By giving hugs when you see them, that should break the ice -- and then you'll know where to take it from there. But whatever you do, just be yourself. Be what feels normal and comfortable for YOU. Be the person you think you ARE. Don't be someone else just to make THEM comfortable. That's being fake. I know you don't want to be "sweet" to people who have hurt you -- but that's in the past. The past is long gone. It's over and done. And "resentment is the poison I take to kill you." Don't hold on to those old grudges. The way they acted back then was the only way they knew. Hopefully they've grown up since then.

You know, by MY going thru therapy, I actually helped MY family relationships because the way I acted seemed to rub off on them. My Mom and Dad were not receptive to hugs in the beginning -- but after awhile, they seemed to expect them! It was really nice! There's hope, my friend. I wish you the very best. PLEASE let us know how it goes, will you? I would REALLY like to know. God bless and have a safe and great trip. Hugs, Lee