Can a parent be too nice?

My dad is a really nice guy, but I'm starting to wonder if being too nice could be a bad influence on me in some way?

Christmas is coming up and my dad keeps asking what I want for Christmas. I told him one thing that I wanted, but he keeps asking "are you sure you don't want anything else? Tell me what else you want."

Normally I'd think he's just a nice guy wanting to make his kids happy. But I'm trying to think about how my dysfunctional family affected me and that maybe my dad had some part in it too, not just my alcoholic mother. I've read somewhere that it's not good if a child is made to feel responsible for their parent's happiness. I wonder if my dad made me feel that way a little. He could have been a role model for codependency as much as my mom. My mom was codependent and love addicted to my dad so obviously she modeled that for me. But maybe my dad also modeled basing your life around another person (his kids?) and not having a strong sense of self. My dad doesn't really have hobbies or a social life. It's always been "whatever you guys want to do" or "we can go out to eat here, if it's ok with you" and "are you sure it's ok, we don't have to go if you don't want."

Am I totally wrong in thinking this could have been a bad influence?

Sometimes it's more blessed to receive.

Sounds to me like maybe his self-esteem might have been beaten up a bit. Did your Mom have a habit of giving him a good tongue lashing? Didn't he stand up for himself? Did he just "take it?" Of course you can't argue with someone who's drunk.

Sounds like he found his life in YOU, which isn't all bad as long as you were disciplined too. ??? Or did Mom do that? I'm sure he was trying to make up for your Mom's absence (maybe?) so he wanted to make sure he made you happy. He DOES sound like a nice guy. It sounds like he did the best he could under the circumstances. I'm sure he just didn't know what else to do.

Like has always been said, kids don't come with instruction manuals. LOL Boy I wish they did. LOL

No, unfortunately we didn't get much discipline. My parents weren't able to stick to any rules or punishments, at least not until maybe kid #3 (I'm the firstborn so they probably messed up on me the most). I know that my dad did the best he could and actually he also uses that instruction manual line. Just wondering if it could have affected my self-esteem or my ability to be a separate person somehow.

I would like to say that you should stop looking to your parents to "blame" them for why you are how you are. That is a moot point. The real question is, what are you willing to do about it?

I think it's safe to say that Heeza isn't trying to "blame her problems" on her parents. This is an ACOA forum. She is the child of an alcoholic (as many of us are.) She is trying to make sense of her relationship with them, and her siblings. Hope I'm not overstepping her boundaries, but I support her and her need and right to communicate here.

aw that's nice to have someone stand up for me

The word blame was kind of difficult to swallow but I think I know what "effallthis" was trying to say, and they did put quotation marks around the word "blame" at least. It's true, what's important now is what am I going to choose to do next. But yes, I also am just trying to make sense of my relationship with my family, but I shouldn't get too caught up in analyzing and not make any actions.

Thanks everyone

It IS hard to know what to do next. When we're brought up in dysfunctional families, we obviously become dysfunctional too -- and many of us just aren't good at making decisions or knowing where to start!

I think that's why I went into therapy in my early 20's. I didn't know "who" I was, or really where I came from! My marriage sucked because I was so messed up -- I never should have gotten married in the first place, but my parents pushed me into it -- you would have thought I lived in a third world country or something. I didn't even WANT to get married. Good grief.

Therapy helped me immensely -- perhaps it will help YOU too! If you can swing it, I'd strongly suggest you try it. You won't regret it. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Some parents can be too nice if they do not use the right discipline on the kids and some but not all kids can become naughty, expecting society to treat them the same, so these kids have to learn the hard way that there is always consequences to their actions. Some but not all parents that are too strict are equally bad because their actions can lead to child abuse which can damage the kids for life.

Your dad does sound like a really nice guy, he's probably very generous maybe he's trying to make up to you because he could be feeling bad/guilty about the past. There could be a million and one reasons really.

I am trying very hard to be diplomatic in this post and not all parents who appear soft on their kids are bad.

I know this is an old thread, but it's nice that I am seeing people around who have trouble with life, but not because their family sucked. I've always felt like a complainer because my family was one of the "good" families, but it really wasn't. There were a lot of problems, many of which were having to do with my parents being too nice and passive.

Like, when my brother would do something really rude to me, they would just kinda let it slide. They tried not to get too involved with our business, but then they would get involved when it escalated really bad. And then they would be confused, like (sarcastic) "how could it have gotten this bad?" They should have taught us how to cope in the first place before things got bad! (Although, when I got older I realized it was because THEY didn't know how to deal with it either). And then they would just act like everything was happy happy joy joy all the time. They were basically convinced that if everyone SEEMED happy, then everyone WAS happy.

There was also this awful dynamic where they would teach me something like "don't touch poles and doors and basically anything that people touch because you WILL get germs EVERYWHERE, and you WILL get sick." And then as a 12 year old I was absolutely paranoid about germs (or whatever else it is they're teaching me to be scared of) but then they would give me a ton of crap for being terrified! In the form of making fun of me for it as well as getting mad at me for it. But then they would be all like "It's okay. You can think whatever you want ". That was freaking confusing and upsetting!

And then add all this on to my mom and dad being WAAAYY too nice like the way you described your dad, and I just feel like I'm being a jerk for basically anything I do that's not 100% peachy. I guess I also feel that way because they hold it over my head and use it against me. They are always bringing up how nice they are, and making sure I am absolutely grateful and forever indebted to them. To the point where sometimes it feels like they want me to pretty much worship them. Especially if I don't act like everything they do is perfect. (I'm not exaggerating).

I might repost this reply as a new thread as well, cause I really want to let it out to the world.

It's definitely possible to be too nice, and to somehow model that for your kids. I grew up in a "nice" family. The problem with being too nice is that it's often approval-seeking (or disapproval-avoiding), and your ability to be open and honest with people gets limited. It's hard to stand up for yourself. You avoid conflict. You have trouble knowing what to do when you're angry or when someone steps on your toes (figuratively speaking). In other words, you have trouble stepping out of the "nice" role.

It's similar to codependence. I know it under the "nice guy" label, because I'm a guy, a recovering "nice guy." Also a codependent, also an ACA. They all blend into each other, and they all seem to be talking about the same thing (or at least, there is a lot of overlap).

Hmm, I don't know of your situation so I can only go on my experience for me it was the opposite I grew up with critical parents which has made me become kind of dependant of them because I get told over and over again that I can't take care of myself and I kind of never told her to screw it, do my own thing and I kinda regret it. I wish I had stepped out of that too nice and to fitting into her box which changes everyday. It is only now that I have realized I am caught in a lie living in a mold and I am unhappy when I could have her disapproval and do my own thing and be independant in myself. This is what is making me change my mind about independance and stepping out of my codependant position relizing I can't conform to her any longer and watch my identity and my life be molded into what she wants. I can't do it anymore so I will have to fight for her to stop doing all these things because it is costing me my identity is costing me everything. I can't live up to her anymore. I want to be out of this jail cell.

Hello Michael 77,

Being nice as you describe it means being phoney and only being and saying what your parents allowed, am I right? It is a way of painting a lie on what is really happening , and I recognize this myself-from some of my own life spent with alcoholic parents.

ITs not even about being nice, rather it's one way an alcoholic can control things in the family. Anger cant be expressed because its isnt nice. Being hurt cant be expressed because that isnt nice. Disagreeing cant be expressed because that isnt nice. Standing up for yoruself cant be expressed because that isnt nice.

Control and denial --that is what this is. ITs so important for the parents to maintain control and be able to deny their own problems and responsibilities that they come up consicously or not with this way of controlling other family members.

When we object or try to speak out or defend ourselves we often hear, "we dont talk about that. Thats not true! Shame on you! You dont love me! how can you say that and say you love me!"

When parents answer their kids with these replies they tend to make a child more compliant and less resistant to expressing their true thoughts and feelings. the kid is punished for their honesty and insights into what is truly going on. This is all taped over in the name of being" nice."
Being nice might translate better into, " be our doormat." Help us cover up what is really going on here.
It is part of the sickness that drives the family dynamics in an alcoholic home. Yes, being too nice can be a really bad thing. I lived in a house where resistance was not allowed. After enough time, I could enver stand up for myself or even say no to someone. That was exactly what was desired. It had nothing to do with being a good or bad person, it had everything to do with compliance and not ever rocking the family boat.

Yeah, I think that's one reason for being overly "nice" -- basically just submitting to the demands of people who want you to behave a certain way, and not step out of line.

I think there are other reasons for being "too nice, too. For instance, some people don't feel good about themselves (most ACAs), and so they run around trying to please, appease, and appeal to other people in various ways, one of which is by being "nice." It's basically just a way to get other people to like or approve of you.

Or, if you're scared of people, being Nice is a way to get them not to hurt you or get angry at you. After all, who could get angry at a person who is so nice all the time?

Yes. Parent is supposed to be nice, funny, supportive and loving.

It's called MANIPULATION! Some "nice" people are actually USING others and that is why you feel "strange" around them. My codependent mom was like that and I often felt "guilty" in her presence!

Yep, he's a MANIPULATOR or User! ....and that's NOT nice!

They get away with it by looking real "good" while subtly USING you to make them self OK, happy, safe, in control, etc.

LOL, you already know and have always known that he made you feel that way but DENIAL helps you ignore the truth.

LOL, he's a pretty "tricky" USER!

IMO, you are not "wrong" - just in Denial of the obvious truth. Go to some ACOA meetings (google it) and learn how to spot and then deal with tricky Users like you Dad.
good luck.

LOL, nearly all victims of bad parenting say that! Mine did the best they could - to RUIN their kids!

IMO, absolutely YES and denial keeps you from honestly facing that fact. I'd get into ACA meetings where you will learn to break out of denial.

It's comical how the "blame game" comes up in issues about parents and parenting as though that explains it all. I BLAME my parents for the lousy job they did of parenting their kids BUT it's up to me to do better than they did and fix the damages their horrible parenting did to me. If I fail to do or get better, I can only BLAME my self! My solution was to attend a lot of ACA meetings.

I am in the exact same situation with my parents but reversed roles. My father is the alcoholic and my mother the mother teresa. While I can certainly never say my mother was not there for us because she was more than present and more than caring, I resent her sometimes for that. and I definitely also feared/fear that that's the model that was ingrained in me, an extremely unhealthy model. I don't know how old you are, are you still living with your parents?
I am 30 years old and recently married, and am still terrified of repeating my parents model.
And you're absolutely right, you feel responsible for your father's happiness because you're his only investment. He probably thinks he's compensating for your mom's disease, which he is in a way - but at the same time, parents dont realize that their job is that we can grow into healthy independant adults, and while life brings us worries, it should not be from your own parents!! they should be the soothing part of your life, not a source of worry.
If my mother had friends, a social life, interests outside of catering to our every need, I would certainly be a MUCH MUCH happier individual.

I completely understand you and I don't think you're wrong.

I am a parent with mental health issues. My boys are 23 and 29.

I tried to over compensate because of guilt I have for not raising them 'right'. But I think about it a lot, it might be because I was insecure and felt guilty for not being someone else, and wondered if I had the right to be alive.

In spoiling my children, and trying to give them anything they could desire, really what I was doing was saying, "I am not good enough for you, all I have is what I can offer".

Perhaps he is trying to over compensate too. It isn't your responsibility to help him develop his own life, but perhaps you can say, "I have everything I need, you did well. What I do need, is for you to be happy with how you did, and not live in the past, or wonder if you did enough. Thank you, but your job is done".

Not that exactly, but I think that is the message we parents who feel we can never do enough need. At least, it is what I needed.

I am glad you love your Dad, and want him to be happy.

It is incredibly hard to learn how/when to STOP parenting.

Best of luck to you.