[Wallflower87]

My father was an alcoholic; he moved out when I was four but because he had no other family I became his sole carer until I was 18. I'm 25 now and he's been sober for the last five years.

Personally, I don't like alcohol. I've had some good times drinking with friends but the amount of bad times I've had with it really outweigh those. I don't like the taste of most alcoholic drinks and I don't often like the feeling of being tipsy or drunk because I am a control freak and I feel like I'm losing control. I stopped drinking alcohol all together when I was 21 and only started again when I was 24.

My partner is not an alcoholic but she enjoys drinking a lot. She doesn't often get drunk but she really likes to drink beer and wine. For the first year of our relationship, that didn't bother me too much. I would drink, she would drink, it was pretty relaxed.

But gradually, I started getting anxious when she drank. I stopped wanting to drink and found it increasingly difficult when she wanted a beer or glass of wine. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly and why it had changed.

It's been four months now and it's got so bad that if she even has one beer or glass of wine I can't be near her because the smell of it on her breath makes me sick with anxiety. I guess the smell is acting as an emotional trigger and the fact that she has chosen to drink makes me feel like she has abandoned me.

In response, I push her away. I refuse to be near her so that I can't smell it and I am cold with her because I feel like she has abandoned me. I have very severe abandonment issues, of which my father's alcoholism is a huge part. It all kind of makes sense but my problem is that I don't know what to do about it. If we carry on like this, it might wreck our relationship. I have suffered enough because of my father's drinking, I don't want to continue suffering.

But I physically can't be around that smell. And I can't overcome the feeling that she has abandoned me when she has a drink. I've read a few books and there is no mention of ACOA's having trouble with the smell of alcohol.

So I came here, hoping that someone might know what I'm talking about or be able to empathise in some way. Because right now I feel so lonely, like I'm the only person in the world with this problem and like I should be strong enough to fix it by myself. The fact that I can't makes me feel like a failure and is chipping away at the very limited self-esteem that I've worked so hard to build.

Any words of advice or similar stories or encouragement would be hugely, hugely appreciated. Thank you so much for listening.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober almost 20 years, and *I* cannot stand the smell of alcohol anymore. Weird, huh? Just the smell of it throws me back to year of my own abuse, as well as my childhood when both my parents abused alcohol. They were both alcoholics and we 4 kids witnessed some horrible fights back then -- it took alot of therapy to 'recover' from that.

So I do know what you mean. I'm a widow, so I'm not in the dating scene. I'm too old. LOL But if I did decide to date again, I would NOT date anyone who drank. I'd just plain refuse because I cannot stand that smell. And I won't be around anyone who even comes close to getting "tipsy" or loaded. I can't live like that anymore.

If your girlfriend is increasing the amounts that she drinks, you might think twice about this relationship because it could end in disaster. If she crosses that invisible line into alcoholism, you'll have a nightmare on your hands. And it's not up to you to tell her to quit drinking either, although you can suggest it. I doubt she would do it tho. Even if she's NOT increasing the amount she drinks, she eventually will because her tolerance will increase -- she won't be able to get her buzz on just one or two -- she'll need 3-4 or more. So the decision is pretty much up to you.

I wish you the very best. Again, I can totally understand what you're going thru. Please take care of yourself & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[LightningMan]

I do not like the taste of alcohol in most alcoholic drinks and did not drink for many years. But I have begun to have an occasional drink, using this rule: Never drink when I feel like I could use a drink.

I'm sure your partner drinking brings back all of the bad FOO associations with your alcoholic father. Thing is, there may not be a way for you to be comfortable with your partner's drinking, no matter whether or not it's in control.

As to the increase in drinking of your partner, one thing ACoA have is a real knack for finding alcoholics or other ACoA to partner with, even when neither party realizes it. It's entirely possible your partner is headed down the road of alcoholism, as Leed suggests.

Be vigilant and consider attending AlAnon or ACA meetings. I wish you luck.

[7thbird]

Dear Wallflower
My advice is if you love her and if there is a minimum trust between both of you, you must tell her truth. Tell her how you feel about her drinking and about the smell.
Perhaps this is what she needs to stop it. Perhaps she has no idea how important this is for you.
If I heard anything like this from my husband, whom I love to pieces, I would stop immediately.
Please keep us posted.
All the best.

[NatureLoveLife]

I am in the exact same situation. My father is an alcoholic, sober for a year. Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and alcohol and things have always been a tough topic in our relationship but never over the top, until recently.

His family drinks all the time, probably a beer every day no problem and he loves to drink. Currently (about a year into our relationship) I have finally admitted to being an ACOA and having tons of anxiety about his drinking. I have tried controlling his drinking and failed.

I'm so torn because I love him but my fear of marrying an alcoholic outweighs any love I can have... which is sad to admit. My biggest fear in breaking it off is that he won't end up being an alcoholic, but I can't manage the fear of it right now and how much he likes alcohol and his family views of alcohol scare me to pieces.

STUCK and don't know what to do. Just found an ACOA group, but no one else is struggling with a partner who drinks a lot. My friend married a recovered alcoholic, but I don't know what to do for myself!

Just a similar situation.
Thanks for listening, any advice appreciated.

Originally Posted by Wallflower87

My father was an alcoholic; he moved out when I was four but because he had no other family I became his sole carer until I was 18. I'm 25 now and he's been sober for the last five years.

Personally, I don't like alcohol. I've had some good times drinking with friends but the amount of bad times I've had with it really outweigh those. I don't like the taste of most alcoholic drinks and I don't often like the feeling of being tipsy or drunk because I am a control freak and I feel like I'm losing control. I stopped drinking alcohol all together when I was 21 and only started again when I was 24.

My partner is not an alcoholic but she enjoys drinking a lot. She doesn't often get drunk but she really likes to drink beer and wine. For the first year of our relationship, that didn't bother me too much. I would drink, she would drink, it was pretty relaxed.

But gradually, I started getting anxious when she drank. I stopped wanting to drink and found it increasingly difficult when she wanted a beer or glass of wine. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly and why it had changed.

It's been four months now and it's got so bad that if she even has one beer or glass of wine I can't be near her because the smell of it on her breath makes me sick with anxiety. I guess the smell is acting as an emotional trigger and the fact that she has chosen to drink makes me feel like she has abandoned me.

In response, I push her away. I refuse to be near her so that I can't smell it and I am cold with her because I feel like she has abandoned me. I have very severe abandonment issues, of which my father's alcoholism is a huge part. It all kind of makes sense but my problem is that I don't know what to do about it. If we carry on like this, it might wreck our relationship. I have suffered enough because of my father's drinking, I don't want to continue suffering.

But I physically can't be around that smell. And I can't overcome the feeling that she has abandoned me when she has a drink. I've read a few books and there is no mention of ACOA's having trouble with the smell of alcohol.

So I came here, hoping that someone might know what I'm talking about or be able to empathise in some way. Because right now I feel so lonely, like I'm the only person in the world with this problem and like I should be strong enough to fix it by myself. The fact that I can't makes me feel like a failure and is chipping away at the very limited self-esteem that I've worked so hard to build.

Any words of advice or similar stories or encouragement would be hugely, hugely appreciated. Thank you so much for listening.