[Theblackrabbit]

Okay, I'll start off with this... I'm really not sure where this goes or anything really. So I'm sorry if this is in the wrong thread... It would really help if someone can tell me where it should go.
Well... I don't mind if someone asks me questions about it but I'm not going to dump my entire life story here in this post.... Hopefully I can just focus on getting help for this one.
Long story short, one of my life traumas were living with an violent alcoholic step father. I guess if someone here is reading this, they know what that's like. Well.... once again, long story short, his favorite past time.... uh... hobby? I don't know. He LOVED camping.
To be honest I can't really tell you how bad it was because I apparently repressed more then 3/4ths of our trips and I only just now realized that I did. So I guess, here's the situation.
The alcoholic is gone and my mother has moved onto a different man who's better then him in purely the fact that it's not him anymore. I have just now began unpacking the emotional baggage that he and another even has left me with and yeah, I was okay.

But last Saturday, my mother and her boyfriend decided to take us all camping. I knew I couldn't handle it but they just threw the 'do you want him to rule over your life and take some power back?' on me and I was forced to go. But for some reason my soon-to-be-second-step father thought that I would 'get over' my memories, or feel safer, if I had a pistol with me while we went to the mountains.
I was miserable. Setting up the tents were enough as it is. I haven't been in the best of shape, physically, lately to the point where my counselor is seriously concerned that I'm going to have to be admitted to the hospital if I don't improve. Regardless, what I thought would happen, happened. The night went on, my hallucinations have gotten more vivid then ever (I've been diagnosed with Schizophrenia) and the only thing keeping my head on straight was talking with my friend via phone but my phone died not to long after and.
I'm getting side tracked.
Help. That's where I was.

We're back. Packing up was THE worst, my mom exploded and she was screaming and throwing things... just like him. And I guess that's where it started. Before we went up there, I felt a cold coming on. And it certainly hit me. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I have absolutely no idea what is going on.
Yeah, I've tried doing everything my counselor has told me. Repeat to myself I'm safe. Look at my surroundings to remind myself that I'm here. Right now. Yes, all of that but it never works, especially now. I was okay earlier and I have no idea but... Since then.... I can't think. Let alone do anything even remotely creative. I can still feel pain so I'm not completely numb but pain is all that I can feel. It takes me such... Such a long time to think of anything and I keep just staring off into space. Last night I got incredibly angry as well (smashed a plate trying to kill a fly that wasn't actually there). I feel so detached and I just... Can't. Do. Anything. I can't stop myself from staring off into space and I can't tell normal things, if I'm hungry, tired, need to use the restroom, absolutely nothing. I am entirely surprised that I'm even writing this.
I know I have PTSD. I am sorry if this is wrong, but it kind of feels like anyone who's had to live with an alcoholic does. But I don't know what this is. I can handle seeing him in every single person I know, I can handle my hallucinations and I can handle not eating for a while. But this is scaring me.... I can't tell if that camping trip traumatized me or not. I have absolutely no one to turn to (well, my only friends are across the country and I can't see my counselor until Wednesday, even the my counselor hasn't been helping at all. In fact, she was the one who urged my mother to take us camping.)

I don't even know what I'm talking about any more. I just want to think again. I have no idea how... Or what... I just don't know. I don't know if this is triggering or not, if this is in the right place or anything... Just... Please, I need help. If you have any advice or maybe an explanation, please..... I'll take anything right now.

Thank you for reading this at least...
-Inle

What a tragic childhood, Theblackrabbit.

I can think only of asking that you call your counselor and request an in-hospital
treatment to correct the burgeoning schizophrenia. The environment you are in
is not conducive to mental health, to say the least, and you need professional
help.

Please admit yourself if you can't get help from your counselor right away.