I've never posted here before, but I really wish I had someone to talk to . I'm not going into details, but last night I got reminded of how cruel my mother could be with her bitter angry voice, and the "look" I remember so well. I just went to her for help. She has plenty of money now. We were dirt poor growing up but she saved every penny when all of her kids were grown. I never got help from her when I went to college, but she helped my younger brother. I'm the one that helped her though when she was in the hospital 8 days, and I stayed with her for 3 nights after she was released untill she was strong enough. I used 48 hours of my vacation for her. I could have cashed that money in because I need it now because of something going on. She gave me the money, but made me feel like a worthless person, giving me that look I remember so well, and the bitter tone of voice she used, sent chills down my spine. You know, the way they are when they are drunk....I'm already upset because I lost a dear pet 2 months ago, and got another kitten that ended up being sick, and I had to put her to sleep this morning. I just needed her help, and geez do I really expect her to be the loving mom I never have? Do I really expect that she could ever be that when I need it so badly.

Well I can see I'll never post here again. Don't even get a hug. When I went to my mothers the other night it reminded me of when she used to drink. Verbal beatdowns, making me feel worthless. Anyway I won't bother anyone here ever again,

Oh sorry Sabrina, I see you gave a hug.

[sadp8r]

Originally Posted by tt4713

I've never posted here before, but I really wish I had someone to talk to . I'm not going into details, but last night I got reminded of how cruel my mother could be with her bitter angry voice, and the "look" I remember so well. I just went to her for help. She has plenty of money now. We were dirt poor growing up but she saved every penny when all of her kids were grown. I never got help from her when I went to college, but she helped my younger brother. I'm the one that helped her though when she was in the hospital 8 days, and I stayed with her for 3 nights after she was released untill she was strong enough. I used 48 hours of my vacation for her. I could have cashed that money in because I need it now because of something going on. She gave me the money, but made me feel like a worthless person, giving me that look I remember so well, and the bitter tone of voice she used, sent chills down my spine. You know, the way they are when they are drunk....I'm already upset because I lost a dear pet 2 months ago, and got another kitten that ended up being sick, and I had to put her to sleep this morning. I just needed her help, and geez do I really expect her to be the loving mom I never have? Do I really expect that she could ever be that when I need it so badly.

You're not worthless,You are worth more to this world than a mountain of gold for You helped me this week when I needed a friend......

[Muppy]

I didn't have abusive parents. I had invisible parents. But I very much had an abusive husband and I think I know a little of what you feel. No one in my family can relate to what's happened to me so we're estranged.
Your mother is your mother and you keep trying. Why? Is it because mothers are supposed to love their children????
Please don't leave the board over this. It just sometimes takes a while for someone to see your post.

Thanks Muppy. I think when my mom was sick she was in a vulnerable state and I actually thought we worked some things out. But when she got better she turned bitter to me again. When I went to her for help, she was mad and asked if I even remembered it was my brothers birthday. My brother died 9 years ago, and his birthday is July 5th. I told her I did remember. The thing about my brother is he stole and lied all the time from a lot of people, including me. I think he might have been a psychopath without a conscious. My brother was even abusive to me, blacking my eye a couple of times. I was scared of him and cut him out of my life. In my mothers eyes he did no wrong, and she made excuses for all the wrong he did to people. I guess that's how it is, I tried to be a good daughter, even worked a lot of hours while in school to help with bills. My mother resents me because I cut my brother out of my life, and if I was there for him maybe he would have taken better care of himself. Pretty ridiculous really. I'm just to the point I think I need to cut my mother out of my life. Tired of the roller coaster.

Thanks Sadp8r, I feel the same. You are a great friend.

[avlady]

tt4713 you are a good person, i know it takes a while to get noticed until you make a few posts firsts. You are not worthless and I can relate to your situation with your mother. Things are different now with her, afters years of trying to be heard about the "look" she would give me, that is gone as we worked on it, but it took a lot of strength to just ignore it now. Maybe that is not so good as i have to ignore it, but she is older now and has changed alot because of her age. She , I learned is a wonderful person, I guess it was myself i had to work on too.I hope you have a good day today and will pray for you.

Avlady, the "look" is one thing. But the one thing that is so cruel is how she can tell me how horrible a sister I was to her son that died. If I had more than one child and something happened to one of them, I wouldn't even think of saying cruel things to the other child regarding their sibling. I just have to stay away from her now. I am trying to get healthy mentally, and maybe one day I can fully forgive her, but now I am filled with so much rage for her.

[sadp8r]

Originally Posted by tt4713

Avlady, the "look" is one thing. But the one thing that is so cruel is how she can tell me how horrible a sister I was to her son that died. If I had more than one child and something happened to one of them, I wouldn't even think of saying cruel things to the other child regarding their sibling. I just have to stay away from her now. I am trying to get healthy mentally, and maybe one day I can fully forgive her, but now I am filled with so much rage for her.

This last trip to Brooklyn caused many flashbacks some are reppressed memories I didn't know I hd or didnt want to believe I had....my family have been so insensitive to my feelings and emotions and don't want to talk about what a brother did to me...when I came back I realized how much I hate them...they threw me out when I was 14. I did my best to keep in touch with them over thr years....I realize all they care about is themselves...I can relate to that rage...a psychologist I saw yesterday all that rage is why when I was a teen til now I turned to self violence for its not my nature to hurt other people..in some way I feel I deserve it and living a life of loneliness is my punishment.....we talked about it yesterday,it was a Very emotional day...wow sorry for writing so much but I could relate to that rage especially gor that brother and the rest of my family treat him like a king and me an outcast.....You are a good person...You helped me this week after my experience in Brooklyn.....though I'm alone and Tuesday I cried when I told myself I hard them,I found a new family here on PC....we support each other and understand...thanks friend

You don't deserve to be lonely!!!! Why do we think we deserve to have what our childhood provided for us??? Thanks for being a friend too!

[gnat]

I have recently started having some pretty severe flashbacks to the way may dad would be when he was drunk after being verbally abused by a drunk client. The spin a web to drag you in. They at masters of manipulation. Try to keep in mind when she's playing her twisted games that the issue isn't you, it is her.

Also know her poor treatment of you does not mean you are unworthy or even unloved. Her vision/judgment is clouded by her addiction.