[asdmomma]

Hey everyone! I'm new here. My therapist thinks I should cut contact with my addict mother. I agree, it's just hard. I went through four years without here in my life (by my choice). Then one day I had to argue with her and I was sucked back in. For that reason, I feel like I can't do it again. Those years without her were a relief. I hate her and every time she contacts me my day is ruined.

[unaluna]

My aunt just called me a few days ago, my mother's sister. So I get what you say about it ruining your whole day. No I don't want to have lunch. Leave me the f alone. Can we say it any plainer than that? What part of no don't they understand??? Thanks for writing this just now.

[Kaitar.Drakon]

I'm so happy to see that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I just went a week without talking to my mother (until my father guilt tripped me into texting her yesterday), and it was the nicest week that I've had in a long time.

I don't know how to say it other than it's like, I would really rather not have anything to do with her. And I really feel guilty for feeling like that. It's nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do though...

[asdmomma]

I feel guilty, because she's not a "bad" person. She's just chosen her addiction over her children for years. She's selfish and weak. I'm working up the nerve to cut her off again. Thanks for the responses. So nice to meet some people who know what I'm going through.

[OrangeMoira]

I still talk to my mom, but not my dad (both alcoholic, she has other addictions, he is just plain mean).

It wears me out to hear about all the problems. It knocks me off-kilter. But I stay in touch with my mom because...well, I was about to put a lot of excuses for her. I'll save it. Still have some recovering to do.

Cutting off contact with my dad is freedom and sanity!

Good question. Hope you get your situation figured out soon. Welcome to PC!

[odwalla_77]

I try as much as possible to avoid talking to my mother. It makes me angry - furious really. I can't stand it that she never asks me anything about myself and that she can barely form a coherent sentence most of the time. My husband and I visit for Thanksgiving, but we never visit for Christmas. My brother doesn't visit for Christmas either. My mom always passive-aggressively brings this up, sometimes in front of us when talking to other people, "Well, it would be nice if at least ONE of my kids would visit me for Christmas!!" That makes me feel guilty, but I just can't stand it. I hate being around her.

[Meytoh]

Originally Posted by Kaitar.Drakon

I'm so happy to see that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I just went a week without talking to my mother (until my father guilt tripped me into texting her yesterday), and it was the nicest week that I've had in a long time.

I don't know how to say it other than it's like, I would really rather not have anything to do with her. And I really feel guilty for feeling like that. It's nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do though...

Wow. I am happiest when I very little communication with my mother who is a co dependent. It devastates her, as she loves me dearly, but I am now at the point where I cannot try as I might, communicate with her more frequently than once a week, and only by phone. How tragic right? She knows this as I tell, and it breaks her heart. Either way she has self loathing because of it. And what to do, when telling the truth adds to her self loathing

[squeeze321]

Both my parents were alcoholic.
My mother ended up in prison for child abuse (seperated from my dad) and my dad kept contact with us but chose alcohol over custody, he was a violent lunatic and I don't think he would have gained custody of me, my brother and sister anyway. My dad is dead now and I miss him like a brain haemorhage!! I have not seen my mum for nearly 31 years but I am glad they are gone as I just got on with my life, making sure I did not make the mistakes that they made.

It must be extremly difficult to still have alcoholic parents in your life and at the same time it must be extremly difficult to cut off contact with them too. I imagine an alcoholic parent may be more needy than their adult children at times and drain them emotionally. This could be why a few people have noticed they feel better when they are not in constant contact with their parents. I am very curious to know what other people feel about this?

My relationship with my dad is very strained. I speak to him when he's decent, but even then it's not much of a conversation because he's getting more and more incoherent. I speak to my mom, but when she gets all woe is me I just end the conversation. I can relate to those who say it ruins their day to talk to them. I can be in a perfectly good mood, then one conversation with my mom and her "casual" mention of the latest drama puts a knot in my stomach and makes me depressed. My entire life has been a roller-coaster ride driven by my parents and their drama. Learning to establish boundaries has saved my sanity.

[Sunnydale High]

My experiences are similar to what people are saying here. When I grew up, my father was the bigger alcoholic and for a time I cut him off. Now we speak and, as an adult, I have a better understanding of why he was the way he was, when I was growing up. But it probably helps that he lives a few states away so I don't see him drunk. He has issues, but he tries, so I can deal with him.

My mother is the one I don't speak to now, because she prefers verbal abuse and a gin and tonic to having a real relationship. Every family gathering becomes an excuse for her to tell our family how she thinks I'm gay (despite having lived with my present girlfriend for four years now), and will never be a real man. Guess I lack the beer belly and couch potato acumen of her husband.

It's difficult, because I can't really resolve issues with her if we don't speak, but she doesn't want to be reached, emotionally speaking. I can tell her how I feel, but I can't make her care or change. And until she's willing to understand how I feel--even if she disagrees with those feelings--I'm safer cutting her off, because then I don't have to incur new verbal abuse. I just have to deal with what's already been done. Most days I really crave some real family counseling, though.

[avlady]

i also had a bad relationship with my mom and dad until a few years ago. My situation was not like the others, but it was me, i was sick mentally at the time and didn't want to even know them. i thought everything was their fault, there was no drinking problem involved, but my head injury turned me into a maniac. I would fight them on any issue, i wanted to just be away from them forever. Luckily, something knocked sence into me, i realized they are not going to be there after they die they're 75 now. my father worked to feed his family of 13, driving us to school in the freezing winter working on the car to get us there with no gloves on. my mom has her "mental" problems but i just didn't know it, and they had lived to see 3 of their kids die. of which 2 were children and 1 was a suicide, I think i shouldn't even open my mouth when it comes to their parenting, they were great parents, even though there were bad times, i try to put the positive stuff first before i think anything about the negative now. well i hope this brings others optimism about their parents, and i do underestand what all the other people wrote here, it makes me thankful for all the things i,ve been through and i'll pray for them

[Atypical_Disaster]

I never initiate contact with my alcoholic father. He sent me a text message the other day and I ignored it. I ignore anything he sends me, texts, emails, phone calls, whatever. I have no emotional attachment to him anyway, so it's especially pointless to even try for me personally. If he wants to keep ruining his life through his self-destruction that is his choice. I just don't want to be a part of it.

[asp1079]

My dad was a huge closet alcoholic growing up. The booze came before me. He dodged taking care of me and taking responsibility for me due to it and admitted to it later. He always blames other things and never takes personal responsibility, like the bottle controlled him, not the other way around. I don't really have the energy or kindness in me to give a crap about him anymore, though God knows I've tried. I avoid him now, since we've literally spent less than a year total of our lives together, and he's a terrible person who literally will not talk to me ever again now, after we had one small fight over his evasive behavior. It hurts, but he doesn't care - and why should I? He ruined our relationship, and I have not spoken to him in months and don't intend to ever again if I can help it.

[ibex]

Originally Posted by asdmomma

Hey everyone! I'm new here. My therapist thinks I should cut contact with my addict mother. I agree, it's just hard. I went through four years without here in my life (by my choice). Then one day I had to argue with her and I was sucked back in. For that reason, I feel like I can't do it again. Those years without her were a relief. I hate her and every time she contacts me my day is ruined.

I cut my alcoholic da out of my life. He also has psychiatric issues. I just couldnt let him bring me and my family down on his sinking ship. I have enough issues of my own. I do hope he got help. Other family members support me, other family members say I am heartless and you just don't do that to your flesh and blood. Its been years now 5 or 6? I am at peace with my decision.

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Good luck.

[AbiOlivia]

I have not talked to my alcoholic father since the first week of January and I don't miss it at all. It is one less stress in my life and God knows I already have more stress than I can handle.

Originally Posted by asdmomma

Hey everyone! I'm new here. My therapist thinks I should cut contact with my addict mother. I agree, it's just hard. I went through four years without here in my life (by my choice). Then one day I had to argue with her and I was sucked back in. For that reason, I feel like I can't do it again. Those years without her were a relief. I hate her and every time she contacts me my day is ruined.

let me say I know where you are comming from for as I to for years cut my mom off because when i would get around her or speak to her all that she done to me would come fluding back there was seven of us kids in my family and each of us have our own way of dealing with what happend to us the scarse she left me with will never go away no matter what help i get but i lurned to work around it , now back in 98 she died from drinking and maybe I am wrong for saying this but after all she done to me i am glad she is gone

[kishamac02]

I can relate to feeling guilty, I feel the same way about my mom. Despite everything, she's my mom and I only get one of her. I know I'll regret it eventually if I did completely cut all contact with her. I don't like the fact that I have to decide between having a drunk mom or having none at all.

[nelliefay]

Hi, my parents are long gone. But when I was in my late teens, I looked after my dad. Mum had died, and he was disabled from a drunken car accident. He was such a drunken, drugged up mess after mum died, and I absorbed it all like a sponge. Trying to rescue him.
Well, at 23 i got sober myself, and cut contact with him. not suddenly, but I became very distant. i did a lot of AlAnon as well as AA, and that helped me lose my obsession about him and his problems.
When I was 29, i was told he had cancer. I still stayed away, until a year later I got the call that he was dying. I went to visit - guilt clubbed me over the back of the head as soon as I walked in the door - and I said my goodbyes.
I don't know that I could have done it any other way.
I feel for anyone who's an adult and still involved with sick alcoholic parents.

[shortandcute]

I don't keep in contact much with my parents.

[7thbird]

I have trained my mother how to talk to me, although it took years of cutting conversations, putting the phone down, silent weeks or months, once I even kicked her off my house. And, of course, always attached loads of guilt. Now, when she calls, she is VERY cautious with words and NEVER calls on buzz. I trained her to do things my way, if she calls. Myself, I stopped calling her, as it does not make any sense.

[kiwinz]

Its so hard isn't it. Im in my twenties and i haven't spoken to my father in over 3 years. He talks to my sister and he has just asked her to get us all together for the first time and i have no idea how to do this or if i even want to. I cut him out of my life after he was put in hospital for the third time and he blamed me for his problems. How do you let someone in after all the pain they have caused?

[Caliope77]

Originally Posted by kiwinz

Its so hard isn't it. Im in my twenties and i haven't spoken to my father in over 3 years. He talks to my sister and he has just asked her to get us all together for the first time and i have no idea how to do this or if i even want to. I cut him out of my life after he was put in hospital for the third time and he blamed me for his problems. How do you let someone in after all the pain they have caused?

Have you talked to your therapist about this get-together idea? If your dad is still drinking, it's probably not a good idea, and I think your therapist will tell you that. Hugs to you!

[kiwinz]

Originally Posted by Caliope77

Have you talked to your therapist about this get-together idea? If your dad is still drinking, it's probably not a good idea, and I think your therapist will tell you that. Hugs to you!

Hey, yeah i went to my therapist the other day. My dad wants me to go to his house for dinner. I dont understand how he could think i would be ok with this as we have not seen each other in 3-4 years and i cant play happy families. My therapist said if i do, i should go to a cafe where i can get up and leave when or if i need to. I dont believe he could or would stop drinking as he has had so many massive problems and he never stopped. I dont think i can see him??

[Enough!]

Originally Posted by LostSoul666

let me say I know where you are comming from for as I to for years cut my mom off because when i would get around her or speak to her all that she done to me would come fluding back there was seven of us kids in my family and each of us have our own way of dealing with what happend to us the scarse she left me with will never go away no matter what help i get but i lurned to work around it , now back in 98 she died from drinking and maybe I am wrong for saying this but after all she done to me i am glad she is gone

I don't think you are wrong in saying that you are glad she is gone. Almost 3 years ago, my mom took up drinking again after about 18 years of sobriety. She was so bad, said the most hurtful things, spewed incredible hatred toward my wife, told everyone she knows about my own family's very private matters, put my dad's life in extreme danger (long story), then overdosed on pills and booze. This was the sort of thing I'd experienced earlier in my life and a flood of haunting memories came back. When I heard she'd overdosed I felt guilty for hoping she wouldn't survive --but she did. Now she's sober and wants forgiveness, writes letters saying how much she loves me. I don't speak to her, so now I guess I'm the bad guy.

[acceber8]

I'm 23 and I haven't been in regular contact with my father for 6 years, last time I saw him was about 4 years ago. It sounds bad but I honestly just don't care about seeing him. He brought some happiness to my life when I was growing up (this, I admit only after going through therapy..!) but after helping my own mum to divorce him (she didn't have the strength), whilst going through undiagnosed mental illness, and then him just being drunk, nasty, or verbally abusive every time I saw him.. I'd run out of the energy to have him in my life.