How can ACoA stop lying?

Hi there, my father is ACoA and I have big issues with him cause of his lies.

According to Janet G. Woititz, her book “Adult Children of Alcoholics” and "The 13 Characteristics of ACoAs",

#3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

From the book:
"Lying is basic to the family system affected by alcohol. It masquerades in part as overt denial of unpleasant realities, coverups, broken promises and inconsistencies. It takes many forms and has many implications. Although it is somewhat different from the kind of lying usually talked about, it certainly is a departure from the truth.
The first and most basic lie is the family's denial of the problem. So the pretense that everything at home is in order is a lie, and the family rarely discusses the truth openly, even with each other. Perhaps somewhere in one's private thoughts there is a recognition of the truth, but there's also the struggle to deny it.
The next lie, the coverup, relates to the first one. The nonalcoholic family member covers up for the alcoholic member. As a child, you saw your nonalcoholic parent covering up for your alcoholic parent. You heard him or her on the phone, making excuses for your mother or father not fulfilling an obligation, not being on time. That's part of the lie that you lived.
You also heard a lot of promises from your alcoholic parent. These, too, turned out to be lies.
Lying as the norm in your house became part of what you knew and what could be useful to you. At times, it made life much more comfortable. If you lied about getting your work done, you could get away with being lazy for a while. If you lied about why you couldn't bring a friend home or why you were late coming home, you could avert unpleasantness. It seemed to make life simpler for everybody.
Although your family said that telling the truth was a virtue, you knew they didn't mean much of what they said. So the truth lost its meaning.
Lying has become a habit. That's why the statement, "Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth," is relevant. But if lying is what you have heard comes naturally, perhaps it is not as easy to tell the truth.
In this context, "It would be just as easy to tell the truth" means that you derive no real benefit from lying."

At this place you can clearly read why they lie:
http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2010/09...lcoholics-lie/

Shortly, cause their lies are rooted in fear, fear of uncertainty about if the truth is acceptable, fear of abandonment. They lie because they think it will keep them safe or at least give safer-feeling, if only for a fleeting moment.

Does anybody know if this could in any way change?

It's been hard for me to be honest, especially to myself. I guess that has been one of the many challenges to accept and realize for my own health and recovery. ACOAs or not. In general self honesty is most hard to face and work through as a process.

I have a friend who says she is honest, but her stories all have holes in them each time they are told. She doesn't recognize this or admit it.

Can it change? IDK but if it does it will take some time and patience for everyone involved and lots of love compassion understanding.....

Jade

For me the word is "pretending" which can mean lie. We learned to pretend everything is ok - it was self perservation - others would not understand or accept the reality and it was incredibly embarrassing.

I do not consider myself a liar - I am very honest. Going to catholic school as a young girl helped with that. At an early age we had to confess our sins weekly. But we did not confess how bad things were at home.

Yes, we can change - I have changed a lot...but still the rest of my family does not often discuss "how they really feel and what is really going on with them" - we learned to say "we are fine" even if we are on fire. If I am honest about the past - they cannot handle those conversations. I have other support! But I had to want to get the support to change.

Oh, yes brainhi, that's it!!! I completely blocked out the "pretending."
I can relate to what you have shared here.

Thanks
Jade

My mother was an ACoA and bi-polar. She lied constantly, she told just as many nice lies as bad lies. She just lied and lied for the sake of her own ego. I probably became aware of it when I was in about the third grade. It was mortifying. I spent my teenage years feeling embarrassed, ashamed, betrayed, angry, anxious, depressed, disgusted -- you name the distressed emotion and I felt it.

If she lied directly to me, it didn't bother me as much as it did when she lied "out in public," and people would confront me about her lies, as if I had some sort of control over her. I spent time spinning my wheels worrying about whether she could change or not. Waste of time. It was far more productive for me to work on what I could actually change and control and that was me and my own actions.

My mother never changed. I started working on forgiving her about 5 years before she passed away unexpectedly. I never confronted her or demanded any change from her. I worked on forgiving her for my own sake and as that process took place over time, I was able to let go of long held resentments. I started acting less prickly around her and was able to sincerely show her affection and respect, while detaching myself from her dysfunction.

The end result was that when she died suddenly, way too young, I didn't feel any guilt. I was shocked and sad and felt loss and grief, but no guilt. It took me a year to fully recover from her death.

My siblings never forgave her or accepted her, although they loved her and were highly dependent on her. It was the typical ACoA dynamic. When she died my sibs went off the deep end, into complete self-destruction, crippled by guilt and anger. It lasted a long time.

Acceptance, letting go, forgiveness and detachment. I did it for myself, not for her. It saved me.

I'm so glad that your life is better. I had to let go of my father...I held on for a LONG time....I was not able to be with him and detach. I do not have any guilt - I do have better understanding.

When the shame of being caught lying is greater than the perceived shame of the truth.

Hello, cureav. Perhaps, a better result would be achieved if the focus is changed from the parent to the child. We cannot force a parent to change. We can change how we deal with our circumstances. See:

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families | Psych Central
10 Ways You Can Help Children of Alcoholics | Addiction Recovery

Thank you so much for the links. For me, the more knowledge I have about these struggles...the easier it is for me to understand and learn how to be more healthy.

I live by honesty, self-disclosure to the point of sabotage. but when my family is
involved or it relates to 'who i am' i find being honest is what people hate to the point of making me feel like a pariah. Honesty is really hard to do, so many i know think it is easy, but for 'us' (you and me) it is a life in a mine field > playing soccer.

hard, hard hard.

hugs all and much love
Sands.

Thanks glok for your reply and links.
I guess you're right; we can't change our parents. The only reason I am very sad is that I don't see a boundary where my fathers ACoA issues ends and my life begins. Too much time I am spending in understanding this subject in order to make a space between us, so I could go my way. He simply didn't took the responsibility for his issues, like his alcoholic father didn't. There is also a fear of how that is going to reflect through me later in life.

You are learning how to take care of this in your life....You are ahead of the game. I wasted a lot of time, energy, anger, hurt thinking I could deal with it. For me...the more I know = I can choose to make my life better.

Yes, as brainhi says, you are becoming wise in what is going on, obviously working to take responsibility for your issues. Your father's issues are not your issues. Yes there is a mix of nature in there (genetics) as well as nurture (how we're raised) but, in the end, we are not wholly bound by either. I was fortunate to get a large slug of honesty by genetics (a huge number of my ancestors were law enforcement, judges, ministers, etc.) and my stepmother use to unconsciously channel my own great grandfather (no relation to her) with angrily demanding of me "The truth if it kills you!" when I was growing up and trying to avoid unpleasantness. The combination of the two make it difficult for me to see any of the grayness/relativity that surrounds "truth", I have difficulty with all-or-nothing where there rarely is any such thing. I have trouble dissembling even slightly, even for a good purpose.