Living with ACOA triggers -- how to handle?

I don't know know if this is exactly the right place for this post, so if anyone else reads it and thinks another thread is better for it -- please let me know.

I guess what I'm asking first: Has anyone else here been in a similar situation, and what did you do about it?

Backstory: I grew up with an alcoholic (possibly drug abusing too, this was only suspected) father who was abusive and domineering. He inflicted some physical abuse on me as a child, and as I grew up, it became more psychological. I had an enabling mother who, to this day, takes on the martyr role and acts helpless when she's a fully grown woman. I often feel like I have always been "the adult" in the relationship, even though she's supposed to be my mom. She tried to leave my father once for a brief period of time, but went back to him -- which I didn't think was a good idea, but I later understood it was because she lacked confidence to make it on her own.

Many years ago, I went to therapy to deal with my father's abuse and to discuss the effect his alcoholism had on me. It helped, and what helped me most was getting away from the house (it never really felt like "home") and going off to college, getting a job, and moving far, far away with my then-husband to start new life.

Fast forward, years later. I become severely ill out of nowhere, and can no longer work. I lose my job. I end up disabled. I go broke due to medical bills. I can't work, and, as such, end up living with others while going though the disability process.

Something happened here I'm trying to untangle, and it's making me crazy.

1) Being chronically ill, in pain, brings up the years of childhood abuse. I feel like things are out of my control and I can't do anything about it. I don't know where to begin, because the bad thing I want to get away from is my body -- which I can't get away from. I could get away from my dysfunctional parents. So being ill triggered me.

2) Being in a living situation where other people do not understand a number of my needs nor want to hear about them and tell me not to complain so much and count my blessings, is, again, triggering stuff related to my parents. And it is triggery even more so since I'm sick and broke, and can't go anywhere else if it turns out that nothing can be done to improve my current living situation. I feel I have to put up or shut up... which sounds a lot like my father's very words when I was growing up.

3) Living with a teenager is also causing me all kinds of grief which I had no clue would rear its ugly head. Okay, let me rephrase that: Living with a teenager who objects to small things and acts entitled is really what's causing me all kinds of grief. I can't even. It's hard to discuss this in and of itself, but it is triggering on multiple levels -- between reflecting on my incredibly abusive years as a teen and not being able to have my own kids. And it makes it worse that I'm treated like some sort of pariah by the teen.

I've been severely depressed lately, and it's gotten even worse (surprisingly) with the recent death of my alcoholic father. Someone might think I'd be relieved -- and in some ways I am; I know he can never find me and hurt me again. But I carry the wounds, the battle scars, and the reactions and memories he left me with. I also have to mourn that I never had the father I hoped for and instead had the father I got.

And it didn't help that my mother was asking me for support and comfort from over 1,000 miles away when he passed, when no one was offering me support and comfort. Now that my father is gone, she is pulling the "abandoned mother" routine and how much she can't do, especially now that she's getting older and is alone -- when she has not been receptive to talking to me about any of my own concerns, issues, hopes, and fears. I feel like my mother wants me to mother her, and I am angry and not up to the task...I wish she'd understand why.

I guess this is a huge mess to type on the screen. I really needed to get it out of my system.

Has anyone else here ever had to deal with situations which trigger memories of your old wounding -- or worse, you find yourself in a situation which turns out to not be healthy for you on multiple levels, and is more unhealthy for you because of that history of wounding?

I think that if I did not have my history and lived with other people who were supportive of me and engaged in the behavior they did that perhaps I'd be less bothered by it. But that's the problem with being an ACOA and survivor of emotional abusive and narcissistic parents -- I just don't know what is normal -- and what other people would accept or not accept, outside of blatantly obvious physical abuse, lying, and manipulation.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I'm feeling self conscious now about having written this and posted it. Full of doubts today. Emotionally guarded. Wondering if I should reconsider and edit it greatly, post it elsewhere... or just take it down.

I don't know how to edit or remove my post... help?

Hello. I'm not sure how to go about removing a post right now since I'm on a tablet, but there should be an FAQ somewhere that can tell you how if you still want to take it down. I can strongly relate to your story, though.

Most aspects of what you said were the same for me. My dad was the same way, only his drug abuse was confirmed. He was physically abusive when I was a child but later stuck with being verbal and emotional, likely because I grew to be bigger than him. My mom was the same way, too. She still buys him alcohol because he's so abusive and hateful, and she feels that's the best way to get him to lay off. Doesn't seem able to do anything about it as far as getting help.

What really got to me was what you said about becoming ill and how this has become a trigger for you. I was injured at work last summer and have been home ever since, trying to recover and get medical treatment. Nothing has worked out for me so far. I began to notice after a while that the issues I've lived with for the majority of my life - deep depression, anxiety, self-hatred, etc. - have all started to become very familiar demons again. I also am involved in a domestic situation where it tends to be forgotten that I'm still injured and severely limited in what I can do. It feeds the flames and completely destroys my confidence.

I think that, since ACOAs have a desire for control, not being able to control our own bodies is one of the most sinister obstacles we can face. It also doesn't help that there is time to think about things long since passed. While I never really went back to my childhood in recent years, I've found myself living in the past quite often since I was injured. If there were problems prior to something like this happening, it's very easy to become bogged down. It all compounds upon itself. I found myself having new problems like panic attacks and severe chronic migraines just in the past couple of months, mainly because I've sort of been forced to take a hard look at things and haven't liked what I saw.

I am sorry about the loss of your father. I can understand how there would be conflicting feelings there. My dad is at the end of his life and I've gone through several phases trying to reconcile my feelings. I came to the conclusion that I'd probably be sad in some way, especially since this has been tearing me apart lately, but it would be more symbolic of the loss of the expectations I had of my father. He can't come back and be the dad I always wanted. I'd be more relieved, because he can't hurt me or anyone else ever again.

Things like this are normal for us. Try as we might to change it or wish things were different, we do carry those scars. We know the pain. Some people will just outright never get it, no matter if you explain it on a daily basis. Others, like the teenager you are living with, are probably too young to comprehend what it's all about. What we can do, though, is work with it and try to find our balance.

I try to learn one new thing every day, and that helps. It makes me feel like I'm getting something done and I'm not entirely helpless. I also have a small library in my house and read often. Keeping the mind busy is the best thing I've found to keep me from becoming stagnant, but it's an uphill battle every day. I also think therapy and group meetings will help and I'm pursuing that for the first time right now. If therapy has helped you in the past, perhaps there is some way you can return?

I wish you nothing but the best and hope that you find something I said helpful. Feel free to reach out to me, as well.

You are safe here. I come here to be completely honest - it has been very helpful.

I think the edit option is only available for a short time, and I don't think we can delete our posts other than editing when able and then manually deleting on the keyboard. Maybe contact site admin?

Because you feel self conscious about what you wrote I haven't read your original post.

If it's any comfort I'm feeling the same about a couple of posts I wrote. Very raw.

Don't know. Just started feeling self conscious about it, and thought I'd at least edit it if I didn't take it down. It was very hard to write. I've written other things on this site and posted them, but my current "super poster" status is more from short answers and check-ins than marathon posts like this one. This one feels more naked and bare to me... I feel exposed.

I'm sorry to hear you've been through a similar experience. Interesting to note that once we both hit a certain age, the type of abuse changed. For me, I think it was hitting puberty. My father really didn't want to lay a hand on me after that -- at least not much -- and less than he wanted to hit my mother.

My father did quit the bottle for a while. But it didn't change a lot of his behavior. He was still controlling, abusive, and domineering. The kind of help my parents needed should have come early on. I urged them to seek help, pointed them towards help... but they were reluctant to do anything.

My father was briefly on antidepressants and in therapy. But didn't stick with it. I think things would have been better for them both had they done therapy and meds for several years. Nothing I can do to change the fact this didn't happen.

Yes. This has been pretty much my story, too. I'm currently living in a situation where I'm regarded as a charity case -- not with my mother (I can never live with her, that would actually be worse now) or any relatives but in a household where relationships are somewhat complicated. (I'll leave some details out for now for anonymity, but also because some aren't that relevant to the situation.)

For part of my time here, someone lived here who did not believe I was ill, and someone else lives here who continues to understand I am ill and is trying to support me. Fortunately, the person who did not believe me (and spent time accusing me of things which were not true, regularly, and beat me down verbally all the time) has moved out. Unfortunately, those who remain -- while accepting that I have been chronically ill -- do not seem to understand my grieving, my sense of loss, my anger... my depression.

My basic material needs are met. Sometimes exceeded. But at the same time, emotionally, I feel like I'm in an alternative universe where no one understands me. And my emotional needs are not being met here. In some instances, my physical needs are not being met -- such as I need things to be up off the floor so I don't step on them esp. at night in the dark (I have neuropathy in my feet) but others do not care to do any housework including the teenager.

I'm not well enough to do most of the housework and resent having to move things myself just to take care of myself -- only to get barked at for moving others' things. It has become an ongoing power struggle I truly hate and don't understand, because everyone else is able bodied and in good health here, for the most part. I'm only asking for small accommodations, and getting flack for it.

It's pushing all my "Nobody listens to me, no one cares about me, my needs don't matter" buttons from growing up in the household I did. But no one here understands that, or can relate to that (in some ways, I'm glad -- I mean, who the heck would want to have others relate to the madness?) or, more so, empathize with that. But independently of my history, I have asked if the average human being would also find the situation I'm dealing with to be unreasonable.

I think that's the rub in being ACOA. I can't know exactly what's reasonable or not relative to others/most people's standards. I've tried to learn by observing others, by reading about characters in books, by talking to other people about their families past and present.

But it does eventually come back to the basic question of my needs being met, and which needs I can meet for myself -- which I try to meet as many as I can -- and which needs can only be met by relating to others. I'm not getting a lot of the latter needs met in this situation. That, and in some ways I'm feeling like I'm being prevented and blocked off from either being able to meet my own needs or get them met by others if I can't. Independent of my life history... I don't think this is good. This is bad.

Yes. It's like I feel like the abuser is inside of me. Because my body is out of my control. I get random stabbing pain at times. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. I have constant pain, at a low to moderate level daily. I haven't had a day without pain since 2006. So this has been an ongoing problem, and it's turned my life upsidedown. It's worn down my spirit.

The recent living situation contributed to it by having someone else in the house who doubted me and doubted in my condition. It was reminiscent of times in the past when my father doubted me and forced me to do things when I was sick. It stressed me out, and my symptoms worsened... then I'd get accused of lying about feeling worse to get out of things. This is just one example. (Unfortunately, this person who moved out still drops by the house regularly, and I practice avoidance as much as possible.)

This is similar to my experience. I've had new symptoms on top of existing ones I've had for years. Major panic attacks. Delayed sleep. Early wakening. Broken sleep. Daytime anxiety alternating with serious inertia and depression.

I wasn't actually depressed when I first became ill, even when it became apparent I wouldn't get better for a long time. A year or two in, I was still quite positive about the future. Now nine years later, I lost that positive attitude a few years ago and began falling into a dark hole -- amplified by my living situation.

Thanks. I had... hoped I could have somehow helped my father recover his health before he died. That if I did, and saved his life, he could have gone on to be a better person; a better father.

I didn't. I feel guilt at times that I could not do more. This, when my friends who knew about my history were astonished I tried to do as much as I did while I was chronically ill -- including traveling the distance to see him in the hospital and get him to a research hospital to try to figure out was wrong.

We never figured out what exactly killed him. Not the doctors, not us. There was never a solid diagnosis and only speculated diagnoses which may or may not have been right. So I will always be wondering what it was.

Yes. And I'm so, so tired of the pain. The emotional pain. The physical pain. And sadly, lately there's been nothing positive going on in my life to counter it. No joys, no new milestones achieved. It feels like everything good and cool I was going to do with my life already happened. The rest is an empty field full of mines, far as the eye can see. That's how it feels to me, lately.

No, the teenager does not understand -- but also doesn't understand my reactions to certain things because of being left in the dark, deliberately, about my past relationship with the person who moved out (who judged me and verbally abused me).

I do the same kinds of things. I'm also working through my Netflix list. The one thing that's hard about it though is that part of my illness involves memory loss, so I don't always remember what I read or watch. It's spotty. I think it's slowly getting better, but not sure... Depression and stress make it worse.

I'm in therapy now. I have a new therapist, we meet every week. So far I've only had a few sessions. I think it's good, I'm getting asked good questions; hard questions.

It's going to take time to sort things out because I feel like so, so much is there, and I'm bursting at the seams with anger, resentment, grief, sadness, anxiety... You name it, I'm a hurricane of emotion lately. And yet, I numb out for blocks of time.

I don't feel like once a week is enough here. But doing more is logistically difficult and expensive.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I feel less alone reading your post, though also feel saddened that you've had to go through similar struggles. (Are you a hug accepter? Checking first; know some folks aren't.)

Also appreciate the offer to reach out. Things are very hard lately, so at some point I might take you up on that.

I definitely am a hug accepter

Also, it's no problem. There are some situations that leave us feeling completely isolated, and that makes it even more important to know someone else is out there that knows something about it. I feel a lot less alone now, too.

I am feeling really alone a lot lately. And I've felt a need to spill, even if I feel self conscious about it.

It feels wrong not too share somewhere, too, as that's reminiscent of growing up in a family where I was asked to keep secrets, and not talk about certain things my father or other people did. I vowed to myself to not keep them indefinitely.

This is a place where you can talk openly about anything. It is a "normal" reaction for ACoA's to feel somehow badly for speaking our truth. We we taught to not talk, not feel, and so talking and feeling seems wrong to us. But feeling and sharing our feelings are what will give us recovery! And feeling and sharing is done in healtny families all the time! Keep sharing!!!

I can't really add anything more than what Peaceseeker said, and it's something that I really need to keep at the forefront of my mind. Somewhat opposite of you, Anomalous, I made a promise to myself long ago to hold it all in for as long as it took. My foresight was rather short, obviously. It takes courage to work with things like this, even more so to talk about it. I'm confident that as long as we're on here, we have someone to talk to.

Thanks for this comment.

This is where I'm coming smack up against problems in my household. My therapist thinks I'm being retraumatized by the situation I'm in, and reliving/triggering earlier life experiences/traumas because events in the present are similar to those in the past.

In my present situation, I don't feel safe to talk about how I feel - especially with certain people.

The dysfunctional nature of the household has been thrown into stark relief, where I'm having to deal with it all the time and it's wearing me down. Especially since others either do not realize how they are reigniting the trauma -- or that how they are interacting with each other and with me is making our relationships worse.

In other words: I don't feel like I'm living with a healthy family dynamic right now. And some of what I have to say is dismissed or minimized by others, as I've been made into the "identified patient".

What's really ****** up is that one person in particular has said they don't think I've been chronically ill, and doubted me on certain moments -- and during others, have patronizingly told me I can't do something because I'm too ill at other moments. They use the fact that I've been ill for their own convenience when belittling me or putting me down.

You can't have it both ways. Either you think I have been chronically ill and respect that is the truth, and work with it day to day as it is -- or you don't. I didn't ask for this. So how dare anyone doubt me one moment then use my illness against me the next? It's crazymaking. And I think that's entirely what this person tries to do sometimes -- say things to me that are more likely to make me react, make me upset.

I try not to react. And at this point, practicing avoidance is the best way to avoid reacting because I do not have the strength or the energy to constantly defend myself.

Part of your post...carrotcake....

"You can't have it both ways. Either you think I have been chronically ill and respect that is the truth, and work with it day to day as it is -- or you don't. I didn't ask for this. So how dare anyone doubt me one moment then use my illness against me the next? It's crazymaking. And I think that's entirely what this person tries to do sometimes -- say things to me that are more likely to make me react, make me upset."
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Keep telling yourself - that they are not you and have not lived your life. It's always been difficult for me to find others that understand. Sounds like you are working on avoiding these people - I know it hurts.

I am doing my best to practice avoidance in order to practice good self-care. Being around one person in particular is very triggering. They wouldn't understand trauma and triggering if I spelled it out for them, and would vehemently deny and get angry that they could be any part of it. But. They. Are. Part. Of. It. Big part.

What makes it harder is my closest friends -- especially those who knew me before I got sick -- know how I was before I got ill, and understand this isn't my fault; understand my basic character and who I am, how much integrity I have. But this person seems to somehow deny I've been ill, and says I'm a bad person in some way -- and other times, when I try to do something for myself, tells me I can't because I'm too ill/disabled.

My friends don't want to be anywhere near this person. They avoid like the plague, mostly. They're civil, otherwise -- not wanting any drama. But they also believe me, and even more so, believe in me. I'm not a bad person to them. I'm just a person who's been given a raw deal, and doing the best I can under the circumstances. It'd be nice if I could do better/more, but it takes time to heal and my friends understand that.

I really wish that this person could see things the way my friends do. I don't know why they cannot. I do have to wonder if one reason why is because they have never been really, seriously ill nor have they had a major injury or had to get serious surgery which has laid them up for a long time.

This is a person who gets the flu and it blows through for them in 3-4 days and they're back to work. I get the flu, and I develop complications/more symptoms, and I'm not functional for 2 weeks, minimum, and at one point even had to go to the hospital for treatment.

My closest friends have either had a period of prolonged serious illness (but are on the mend now) or multiple surgeries and live with ongoing medical issues (but can work). They know I miss being able to go to work, drive to visit friends, go out dancing, etc. and believe me when I say I'm not up to something and I'm in pain or too fatigued to do it.

Why this particular person hasn't believed I've been chronically ill and living with chronic pain completely baffles me, because from my perspective, who the **** would want to live the way I've been living?

There's really nothing to be gained by it -- very little in the big picture -- and lots to lose, and I've lost a lot already (job, relationships, friendships, a nice house I used to live in, having my own money to spend and also pay off debt, my own pets, a future where I'd have my own children, etc.).

I get very angry that they do not seem to see that the loss has been enormous for me, and that they accuse me of things which aren't true.

I guess the only thing to say in their defense is that they haven't known me anywhere near as long as a number of my friends, and perhaps that colors their judgment somehow. But one of my newer friends who has only known me since I've been ill -- and never knew me when well -- believes me, accommodates me, and respects me as far as my condition is concerned.

So. This is how it is. I feel sad I have to avoid anyone in my life, especially if they are around every week. But there's nothing else that's within my ability to do and nothing I can do to change this. I have to try to be somewhere else, and do something else in order to achieve more peace where I can.

I hope this person is out of your life sooner rather than later. I have been "stuck" before, because of financial reasons, with someone I would never pick out for a friend... who is mean and arrogant. Try not to let them suck the life out of you. Try to figure out a way to view this person in a different way - until they are no longer in your life. You will never change them.