High Functioning Alcoholic Parent - Can anyone relate?

Hi there. I came across an article about high functioning alcoholics (was unable to post it since it is my 1st post).
This is exactly my dad, and I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences or can relate? I find it really interesting how we as a society identify alcoholics as people who drink every day, who are unable to hold down jobs/relationships/be active members of society. My dad drinks only Friday-Sunday, binging on the weekends. He's successful in his career and has not let alcoholism get in the way of that and other things, like his friendships and being in shape, and our extended family. But immediate family - ugh. My husband had a hard time believing my dad was an alcoholic. I would bring it up when we first started dating and he would brush it off. Now, he has seen some of my dad's episodes, and realizes it. But he doesn't fully understand what it is like to care about someone with an addiction. He has never had a friend or family member struggle with any kind of addiction. I wanted to come on this forum because I had read some posts here, and it seems like there are a lot of people going through the same things as me. It makes me feel less alone. Do you ever feel a constant state of worry, even as you are in your happiest moments? Like maybe you shouldn't be so happy? Like, is this happiness real? I have held back from being 100% happy. I am not sure if that makes sense but I guess whenever I'm so happy I could cry (you know, bursting with excitement/joy/peace/love) I stop myself. I am always worried about my parents and wish I could just focus 100% on my own life. When I try to do that, I feel guilt. For my whole life I have had times that my dad has embarrassed me/let me down with his drinking. For my whole life I have worried about my mom. I love my dad so much. He is so amazing when he is sober. He just committed to going to counseling, the first time ever. I am so grateful for this but so worried he will stop going. I even worry that he will pretend to go and not actually go. When I have kids someday, the only thing I ever think about is how STABLE and SOBER our home will be. Does anyone ever feel the same? I never want our children to feel like they have to babysit us. I never want to let my kids down.

The thing is, I will never give up on my dad. I love him too much. It is so painful but I can't stop seeing him or talking to him. Does anyone else feel it's nearly impossible to give up on your parents?

hi leasienna
i can relate to your feelings of not allowing yourself to be 100% happy. i find that difficult myself. i believe it stems from growing up with an alcoholic father. my dad didnt drink but he did carry all those traits for some reason. it is difficult to allow happiness never knowing when the other shoe is going to drop. allowing that joy into your life and then always having it yanked out from underneath you when dad has an episode. it is really hard to trust happiness when it is forever taken away again and again. a life of constant ups and downs. you cannot trust it to stay so it is difficult to hold onto. it is hard to handle the dissapointment again and again so you just try not to get your hopes up by investing in it. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

I understand your pain. Your story is a lot like mine, except my dad never got help and after he retired his drinking got worse. He made my mother's life miserable. He embarrassed me many time, too. It took years of counseling for me to work through my issues regarding his drinking. I hope that you seed help, too, as it will help you mend yourself from effects it has had on you.

I have similar issues with trying to be happy. I think it has to do with the perfectionism in us ACOA's. Something is always wrong and we get bad anxiety when we think of these things. I think the best thing for you and all of us is to change the way we think. Instead of being sad about the things that are going wrong, be happy for the things that are going right! Your dad sounds like he cares about you and the fact alone that he is going through with counselling proves this!

My father was a high-functioning alcoholic during my childhood, he maintained a job and didn't let his drinking get in the way of things. When I got older he lost me, my mom, and my sister because of his drinking, got laid off work, spent $80,000 of his lay-off money on alcohol and various things in a year, hit rock bottom and still continues to drink. The only time I hear from him is when he needs money and when I tell him no he threatens suicide. I am only 21 so having this pressure on me is very difficult but I have chosen to not feel unhappy about this. I choose to be happy that I have cut him out of my life and no longer have to deal with his childish behavior. He is no longer my responsibility and I can focus on improving myself.

Leasienna... so glad you found your way here. There is a lot to sort out. The whole family needs help.. all are affected. I love that he wants help. That is a big start... try not to have too many expectations - this could take awhile.

As you continue to work on you.. you will learn to rid yourself of so much guilt. Regarding happiness...I tend to wait for the other "shoe to drop". It's better over the years but still working on that.

You did a great thing and recognized that you want to take care of this for a better life.

Welcome.

Thanks everyone for your words. They are very kind. It's nice to read feedback from others. I am glad to see this forum is available and people can support each other.

I am so glad he is going to counseling; he just started going this week. I know it will take time. I need to be patient. I am so afraid he will stop going after a couple of times. Today I tried to reach out with a text but he just gave 1 word answers. My mom says he seems very down/depressed. I guess I should take this day by day and give him lots of space. Maybe it's like giving up a habit that you have used to comfort yourself for many years; you might feel lost without that crutch/habit anymore.

Is there anything you guys do when you feel worry and fear about your loved one? When it is hanging over your head and you feel stressed about it? Maybe it's going on a walk or doing something to distract yourself.

It's true, not all alcoholics lose employment or wind up on the streets.
It's good he's seeking counseling, I agree that counseling is something that can help the entire family.

Welcome to PC

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Tay25, that must be extremely hard. It seems like you are on the right track, focusing on yourself and improving yourself and your life. I commend you for this. I feel like all of us are strong (anyone with a loved one who has an addiction - doesn't matter what kind!) because we live with a burden.

Hi Lea I actually just posted something similar to this wondering the same. My experience is a little different in that my mom hides it really well (except from my sis and I) and drinks a little more often. She holds a job just fine and raised my sister and I pretty well. I started going downhill a couple years ago and know I feel similar to you. Afraid to show happiness thinking it will make her or someone else want to make me feel bad. (almost like people need to bring me down to there level when they're unhappy). As well as no one believing my sis and I about how bad it can get. Now I just look forward to getting out of here and living my own life. ANNND just like you, one day raising my kids in a less chaotic environment hopefully. Hope this helps!

I saw the title and I had a funny feeling that I could relate to you before reading the message This is exactly my mom. She held a job for more than 30 years at the same place. High functioning alcoholics are adept at the art of deception. No HF alcoholic can hide it from immediate family (for long anyways). They can hide it relatively well from friends and co-workers. She wears a lot of perfume when around others and when she's driving. She has one DUI, however. I've tried talking to her about "the problem" but deflects the conversation and will blame others or other events on why she drinks.

Some things that I have experienced as an adult child of an alcoholic:

1. Being 100% happy is a struggle. I totally agree with Tay25 in that it is due to having a perfectionist attitude. Root cause: maybe low self-esteem? Can anyone relate to this?

2. I have a STRONG aversion to alcohol. I binged and smoked during my college years. Now I realize how alcohol and drugs precipitate problems (e.g. foolishness).

3. I have a temper problem. I can easily lose my cool when I make a mistake. It is very hard for me to enjoy myself even when I am participating in activities that I love.

4. ADHD - NOS, Anxiety. These disorders aren't particularly caused by growing up with an alcoholic parent. My father has the same diagnosis. However, especially being diagnosed later in life, low self-esteem seems to be a hallmark trait of sufferers.

5. Dependency or co-dependency. I am terrified of abandonment. I went through great measures to keep my relationship with my ex alive.

* Please share your thoughts and relations or concerns. Thank you very much to Sienna and others for your posts. It's good to feel like I'm not alone and dealing with issues alike.

- Ub1

Happy: When I am happy I usually wonder how long it will last. Scared to enjoy it. I am learning to enjoy the journey not just a destination, also, staying in the "here and now"..

Making a mistake: I am hard on myself. Or relying on others and they do not come through. I get angry with myself for trusting they will get it done. Now I do not trust them to get anything done well - I have a very hard time forgiving. This is better but but a work in progress.

Anxiety & possibly ADHD: my brain is often frustrated - I do not sit still well. But I do know how to juggle a lot of things at a time - and often do not understand why others cannot keep up with me. I work with individuals with ADHD....many of the symptoms - you have no control over - that is how your brain developed - but having parents that were not tolerant and blame you for your struggles does not help.

Dependency/co-dependency - is much better as I age. Now I recognize it in myself and have learned better to cope. Fear of abandonment is still very present... I do not let others get too close to me. I do have a handful of people in my life that over they years we have built up a lot trust.. so glad to have them!!!!!!

Recognizing your issues is a huge step in addressing them for a better life. Make sure to smell the roses along the way to your destinations

My dad is the same way! And he is a wonderful human being, but when he drinks he gets pretty mean sometimes. I learned when i was a kid to pretend I was sleeping, leave, or be overly nice. Which still might set him off. People don't think it is an issue because that's how a lot of people are where I live, but definitely stressful, especially when I lived at home. I sure am glad I live on my own now.

I commend you as well, Tay. I am 23 and I don't know many people our age who can maintain such a healthy outlook on life especially when parents act like children. This was an inspiring post to read (:

My soon to be ex is a high functioning alcoholic, workaholic. My Mother is an alcoholic too. My father is successful and requires everyone around my Mom to overlook any unstable behavior. Having these two in my life is like playing a game, and the winner gets to drink or act unhealthy. Between my ex and my mom, I am regarded by family members and a lot of other people as someone who always causes crazy hurtful behavior, because it couldn't be the alcoholic's fault. The two of them are masters of manipulation and misinformation. When I go to Alanon, I find a group of dear open people, who have a lot of stories on how they found a way to heal the hurt and ways we become weird when dealing with someone unstable. It is nice to have a refuge and I chose when I am strong enough to let the alcoholics be part of my life.

Hi leasienna1111.

YES YES YES AND YES.

My parents were functioning alcholics with jobs. They did not go out to bars or partying. But they would get wasted after work and on weekends. For along time I didn't know if they were alcohlics and I did not realize the damage they had caused. I also felt extremely guilty even entertaining the idea that they could be alcohlics.

Way back when i bought a book on children of alcohlics. I quickly read through it and then I threw it away because I was so ashamed to be thinking that my parents were alcohlics or that I had a bad upbringing.

Not wanting to give up on your dad is totally understandable. I 100% understand. I think speaking with a counselor who has experience with adult children of alcholics might be a good idea. They could help you understand how to deal with him and it might help you learn so you dont unintentionally repeat similarly unhealthy behaviors with your kids.

There are a lot of great books our there too. You might find it informative to read up on adult children of alcohlics, codependancy, or toxic parents.

I wish I had not felt it was up to me to help my Mom be a good Mom, to help my husband have healthy behavior. I wish I had focused more on me and tried to help them ,but believed that I was worth caring for and loving just as much as them. If they weren't able to do the job of loving me back, I should have gone to get help for me. I got so lonely and starving. When my husband left me last October, I felt like going around the neighborhood and asking people for hugs. It turned out there is a group on meet up that gives out hugs.

My mother fits the description as well for a high functioning alcoholic. She drinks daily, from the time she is home from work til midnight or so. Her schedule is different all the time, but it is generally 4+ hours of drinking. I couldn't tell you exactly how much, since she lives on her own.

Her drinking does not affect her ability to have a job, but it did ruin her 13 year marriage with my dad. She also enabled me to drink at 15, by buying me liquor. Not beer, but hard liquor! What rational person buys a 15 year old a bottle of vodka to hide in their room? As you can tell, her trying to be my friend is a major sore spot for me. All the things that happened then ruined the beginning of my young adult life.

What really makes me mad is how she weighs barely 90lbs. at 5'2". She is 58 years old but looks to be way older than my 70 year old dad. I can't do anything since she is an adult herself. My dad, brother and I always talk about her drinking, but thats it. If we confront her, I am afraid she would lose it. The alcohol has ruined her mind as well. 40+ years of solid drinking and she is more anxious than me, can't handle even the tiniest bit of stress. She is so negative, that she triggers my depressive episodes a lot.

But what can I do? Nothing. She won't even get a physical if I ask her to.

You are right you cannot do anything for her. All you can do is take care of yourself and not lead a miserable life. It was painful to watch my father destroy himself and everyone who loved him. He treated me terribly... and I hoped up until the day he died - that he would change and finally "get it". If never happened.

I'm not saying she would never change... but you do not need to waste all the good parts of you thinking about her life.

I can completely relate to you. That worry instinct is a hard one to get rid of. Growing up, I was constantly feeling worried and anxious about my my Mums drinking. She always made a fool of herself when drinking so I have always hated being in public with her. It's a horrible feeling and I have found that a lot of my social anxiety stems from a combination of how my mum would act when we were around people and low self esteem.

I don't have all the answers but I know with my Mum I have just started to realise that if she doesn't let me help her or can't see what she is doing to herself and everyone around her than my main priority is to try to focus on my own life and using the wisdom I have gained through growing up around my mum to ensure I don't follow suit. I guess it's about finding ways of letting go of the fear and worry.

Just remember to look out for your interests first 😀

I would definitely classify my father as being both highly functioning and an alcoholic. He is an engineer, making six figures. He maintains close relationships, is emotionally available, takes pride in his home and yard, and loves cooking. With his job he works 3 weeks on and 1 week off. Those 3 work weeks is when I consider him to be highly functioning. The 1 week off is a big bender: usually 3 days straight of drinking with very little sleep, 1 recovery day, more days of drinking, and 1 recovery day before it's back to work.

I can't comment too much on how it has effected me and my feelings, as I'm still figuring that out myself, but it sounds like our father's have some similarities.

Not being in denial about it and not making excuses for him is a huge step...even if you can only disclose that here with us for now. Take good care of yourself!

I know the troubled people in my life are going to stumble again and again, they can't help it. In Alanon I at least found the language to describe my emotions and experiences. When I dealt with my Mom and my ex two years ago at Christmas, I had gentle words to tell them they had hurt my feelings and to tell them what my boundaries are that they can not cross. I was so hurt at my Mom and Dad ditching my family for Christmas day to go to a party and lying about being sick; and at my ex for making their entire visit in to a drama about him. I don't know how far I will go to be a balanced person, but it really helps to have other people's comfort when you have loved ones who are alcoholics, dry or practicing.

Thank you for sharing. I stumbled upon this site after doing some research on my dad and his drinking. I feel so touched by everything you said. My father is an amazing person sober, and though he isn't violent or abusive while drinking- it still causes disruption in the family and he truly hasn't stopped drinking or arguing when he has been drinking. I'm not even sure why or what I want to come of this anymore- except for him to stop. I want to start my own family soon but I feel like this is holding me back from living my life. I want my father to be in my future but I selfishly only want the best versions of him. I hope this message reaches you. I appreciate hearing I'm not alone. If anyone has any solutions to help cope or confront my father- I'd appreciate it. He knows we want him to stop but it seems to bring much pain to confront him that it's truly what we all want.

Thanks for the support!

My mother was a high-functioning alcoholic. She succeeded in her work and was in an executive position before she retired. She drank a lot of wine in the evenings and weekends and may have taken it to work, I'm not sure. She died of ovarian cancer in 2010. I think leaving my parents out of my life was a good thing. I grew up fast and made a bunch of mistakes, but my parents were not much support anyway.