HELP! ACOA wife divorcing me over ACOA issues

I will try to be as brief as possible..

I have been married to my wife for 26 years. She is the love of my life. She is an ACOA not in recovery and in so in denial that she even refuses to acknowledge that she is an ACOA. Her mother was a blackout drinker and my wife, beginning at age 11 became the surrogate that took her role in the family. The stories are horrendous and from everything I've read, she would be almost a "worst case scenario" if there is such a thing.

She exhibits most of the "characteristics" I've seen listed around the web for ACOAs. As her closest intimate partner, I receive a lot of projection of her childhood onto me. I've tried to point out the list of characteristics and show her how she is tracking right on target for being ACOA but she responds, "I know I do those things but not because of ACOA. It is because of you! (meaning me).

She has lied to me so many times it isn't funny. That is the easiest of the traits to identify. The others are there as well.

My problem is that I'm about to be divorced and single again at age 54 and I truly believe that if she were to get into recovery, we could save our marriage. I desperately want that. She refuses to believe anything related to ACOA is at play. She did go to 6 meetings last May-June but stopped pronouncing herself as "cured" and not needing it any longer.

Any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions? Today marks 6 months separated and the waiting period is over to proceed to divorce. I am really desperate and my heart is broken.

Thanks for your time.

AusTexan

I can see that you are very concerned for her and hurt. There is one thing that I have to say. Just as we are powerless over the drinker so are we over the one who was brought up in that environment. If she doesn't want to get help or improve her life, you will just be fighting a very hard fight. Sometimes ACOA's are in denial of their problems. Being an ACOA as I am can be very confusing.

I am really sorry that you are so hurt. I am only speaking from my own perspective here. Maybe others will have a different view or angle. Best wishes...

It is just hard to know I will lose a 26 year marriage to the one I always referred to as my 'soul mate' when there is a solution to the problem is clearly defined. It isn't fair. FYI, for our entire marriage, I have dealt with a lot of other ACoA traits but I had taken the position that it is a sickness or disease not unlike cancer. And who would just yell at someone for having cancer? That kept me centered and able to let the non-critical lies or secrets get to me.

Hello AusTexan, I read your profile and your previous posts. With experiences through your profession, It looks like you are already quite knowledgeable about your wife's struggles and how everyone is effected by them. I'm very sure the consequences are still painful for you even with all that you probably know.

I hope things turn around for you. Both my x-husband and I are ACoA... I was getting help and he really did not want to..but he was aware he had struggles (he wanted me to fix myself). My dream was that he finally would want to figure out how to make our lives better and get help as well. That did not happen.

I learned a lot!!!!!!!!!!! I have no regrets about the marriage but I am much happier than I have ever been - and not because he is gone...but I have learned how to manage my life and over time change my way of thinking - for me - better late than never.

I wonder if it harder to understand it from a mental health perspective and know you cannot make it better for her.

I am so sorry that this is what is happening in your life right now. I'm sure you know this without me saying it... but your journey is whatever - you make it - whatever age you are.

Thanks for your reply. I learned that my wife was an ACoA early in our 26 years together. As I do with anything urgent/important, I made it my goal to be a "home study Ph.D." I learned it to a "t"

The problems are numerous. Denial will be the match thrown into the powder keg which is our marriage. She will deny even being an ACoA and argue to the death. When I say, "was your mother an alcoholic (black out/days at a time). You realized that at age 11. You took it upon yourself to be your mom's mom, your brother's mom, and your dad's wife. You lived that from age 11 until age 18. She--having had one of the most horrendous childhood experiences I have seen, completely "unaffected and don't need it." Take it to the end and ask "you are an adult aren't you?" Therefore you are an "adult" your mother was an alcoholic "child of alcoholic." But logic out the window here. I cry and have cried every single day for six months (yesterday-six months since being served papers.

I had a similar experience with an ACoA but we did not marry. She too thought I was the only one with problems in the relationship and my issues were why I couldn't commit to marrying her. It is sad when you know you are a person who can really understand them but they won't or cannot see it. I finally realized I would never get the level of mature intimacy I needed. Sorry you have to go through this hurt.