[timeforchangeisnow]

Hello all,

i'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my family. i am very new to 12 step groups and been going to ACA for 2 months. I understand that advise isn't really part of the package but I'd love to hear other peoples opinions or experiences too.

My mother is an active alcoholic (20 years), lives with my father - since finding ACoA all I see is co-dependence everywhere in our family going back generations. I'm struggling to have any connection with them at all now. I didn't have much of one before as i was deeply closeted about my sexuality for years growing up and its still very uncomfortable talking about things with them.

I was closest to my nana growing up, but she is 75 now and worries terribly about my mum as it is.

Has anyone shared ACA with their family? it just seems a very difficult subject.

[timeforchangeisnow]

I think my higher power just answered as my nana called as i wrote this message, I through caution to the wind and we talked about everything! it feels good but then it just makes me feel I have wasted YEARS of my life worrying about things and now have SO many bad habits and learned helplessness.

[brainhi]

A really big step for you is being here and working on you. This will take awhile. It took a long time for you to develop under really crappy circumstances. I told some one else recently...try really hard not to dwell on the bad past... work on things with a professional and with us. Notice good things in your life and things your are proud of. Do not let that past and terrible memories hold your brain/life hostage... glad you have nana!

[wanderlust12]

Hi there! I understand what you are going through. My mother was a functional alcoholic through most of my early years (I am now 25), and within the last 5 years became not functional. The last 2-3 have also included heavy drug use, self harming and suicide attempts. My father is a huge enabler by never blaming her and saying she is fine when she is clearly not.

It took my husband (which i have nearly destroyed our less than a year old marriage) and the birth of my son, to finally stop contact with my parents. I couldn't accept or see the pain and toxicity they caused because they are (1) family, and (2) love me...right?

Alcoholism is a cancer and until the person is truly committed to changing, they won't. I leveraged my relationship, the relationship with my children...everything. And yet she continued to drink, hid her alcohol, not attend meetings, blame others. Worst yet, the cancer spreads. My father is so absorbed in my mother and her "needs" that he won't consider the good of his children....and my father is truly one of the most down to earth, reasonable men....until she is involved. I cut out my older brother who sexually abused me as a child about 2 years ago.....which my mom blames my sexual abuse for her drinking (truth is she has had issues since her teens)....and my father continues to push me to make up with my brother for the sake of my mother. Cause she wants the happy family, needs everyone to get along.

In the end, the alcoholic will always choose the drink. And its something that is hard to accept and move forward with. Don't waste your time or emotions or other relationships. Choose what is right for you. Good luck! <3

time for change is now... change takes time it is not instantanious. You will have to live acceptance, surrender and then peace for yourself before you can learn new bahaviors of change. Get yourself a sponsor. I know ACA tend to get locked into a rut of all the negativity they put up with living with the alcoholic. Try reading the AA big book and you will see the total surrender and turning it over to God.. .and focus on that for you, helpless to change your past or all that you went through. And then move forward. Take your eyes off your parents illness and work on yourself. Pray for them but focus on yourself and you will have peace. blessings

[Cat_Lover_58]

I relate to so much of what you posted!

I've attended both AA and some ACA groups and see that dysfunction is rampant in my family. (yes, back further than immediate family)

It takes time as somebody already posted, but you'll get there. Just put one foot in front of the other. Mine weren't receptive at first about my getting sober and taking care of myself first. Hell with 'em, it's long overdue that I put myself first!

Happy Holidays to you!