Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

So, I mentioned in a post elsewhere that my boyfriend and I are planning on moving across the country, from Washington to Tennessee. Better work hours for him since he's a coding contractor with a long term contract on UK hours and it's closer to my mom's family who lives in the south.

My dad called to chitchat today and I mentioned it since it's looking like a pretty serious idea. He texted me a few hours later, "If my finances are good to go I would like to help you move ".

That's all well and good and very nice, yes? Well, it makes me absolutely anxious. My dad has a terrible history of holding things over mine and my sister's heads. If we let him help us with something, he'll use it against us later the next time he's drunk and angry about something. Yet, if we don't let him help us with something, when he's drunk and angry it becomes, "So you're too good for my *insert choice word here* help?!". Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Because of this behavior, I constantly feel like I'm a terrible, selfish person for making any type of decision.

The real kicker is, he's going broke. He lost his job after wrecking his motorcycle a few years ago (drunk of course), wrapped it and him around a telephone pole, which caused him a serious spinal injury that makes him a walking liability to any work place. He's still fighting for social security nearly 3 years later. And he wants to try and give me time and/or money to help me. I really just don't know what to do. He hasn't had any big problems with me the last few years, mostly focuses drunk anger at my sister these days, but I'm always so wary.

All in all, I love my dad more than most anything despite a rocky past. I'd love to let him help in any capacity, even just helping us drive cross country or something since we're kindred spirits, love adventure and going places. But just the decision making process in general, ugh!

I'll figure out how to handle it, I always do, but it just makes my head and stomach to topsy-turvy thinking about it.

Anybody else have/had similar issues?

You are in a tough spot. You know you are an ACoA so you know that your relationship with you father is based on his sickness... and it's heartbreaking. He cannot see clearly but you can. I hope you are able to get some type of support to help you handle who he is and understand yourself.

I do not have a happy ending with the story of my dad and me... but I spent a lot of time hoping and wishing.. even when he was so awful I still wanted his love. He died without ever getting well. But I did work on myself... and I can handle the past, present and future because of it.

This website is a great place to come. I did not have this when I was so lost. I say this so many times.... do not let your father's sickness hold you hostage.... and it's the way you think about it and learn to cope that will help you feel better about your life.

I know others here have read books, gone to groups... check out some of the threads in this area. You are understood. You are searching so you will find your way out of it.

My dad, and I by no means say this lightly, is helpless. He's had a tough life.



He knows he has issues, he sees himself very clearly except his hand in messing my sister and I up a bit. He's admitted it so many times, and my sister and I both offering help at various points, but he refuses and keeps on the self-destructive war path. He pushes everybody away that tries to help. I've learned to love from a distance after I finally forgave him and started speaking to him again a couple of years ago after having a falling out when I was 21. Just living on the periphery of his existence, only letting him know good news so that he can feel proud, like he's done something right at least by fathering me.

I reinforce things such as inheriting his good traits... curiosity, wanderlust, adventurous, taste for variety... just being a free spirit in general, by telling him things involving moving or travelling or something interesting I tried or stumbled upon. I became a nursing assistant a few years ago so that he would be proud of me for being in a wonderful profession. I always try to keep him updated on when I think I might want to go back to school for nursing since I found a passion for the field. Sometimes I think I'm all he has to hold onto, especially since I moved away to Washington from Oregon last year, and according to my sister's reports, he just seems to be getting worse at times. Just tonight, in a series of drunk text messages, he tells me "You amaze me ".

I'm sad to say that I'm resigned to him destroying himself. And so, I live this existence of walking a fine line with my dad, never disappearing, but never immersing. Just enough contact to give him a little happiness, but not enough to have him drag me down in his war path.

That's a lot for everyone involved! I know my father did not have it easy... but he never talked about it. He never learned how to help himself. He was loved by so many and he choose booze every time. After all my sadness for him, anger and resentment and helplessness and missing his love... and lots of therapy.. those feelings are not haunting me anymore. I now can understand and see how sick he was and not a darn thing I could do about it. I miss the dad I never had... and it was so difficult to watch him destroy himself.

There are those that do get "better" and learn to change and be understanding. I wish you some good moments with him. Make sure you live the best life you can... you are worth it!

Well. All has turned out better than planned in this moving help scenario. We ended up changing our moving destination to Montana for a number of reasons, which required no help since it only took one day to get here.

I went to Oregon to visit my dad the weekend before we left and all seemed well and status quo in his corner of the world. We had breakfast the morning that I got there and I spent much of my first day with him until I went out with a friend that night. I can only hope things continue to be good. I know I'm kidding myself, but I'm just happy if he's having a long good phase. I know I'll hear of it from my sister the next time he goes on a bender.

I'll probably call him today and see how he's doing. I haven't talked to him since the day after we arrived, which has been a little over two weeks.

I've found moving to the mountains very calming and therapeutic. I think getting out of the big city has good for me so far. Less stress, less anxiety, less lights and noise, I'm sleeping better. There have been a few bad days, but it's a process. I'm certainly having less bad days.

I'm staying busy with a newly acquired work-from-home part time job and I have an exciting custom order on my Etsy shop that I can't wait to start on. I'm all in the clear to register for classes at the community college here as soon as registration opens up. I feel a bit of passion coming back into my soul.

I'm starting to feel like a semi-functional adult for the first time since I quit my job almost a year ago and had a bunch of lifestyle changes. I feel like I'm finally landing on my feet after a year. I went from being single and independent to partnered and dependent, also living with somebody for the first time, so it was a hard transition. But I'm getting there. I hope I can go back to work as a CNA, but I won't get my hopes up just quite yet. I'm looking forward to school since the nursing program here as significantly less fluff then programs back in Oregon/Washington. I still have to do the prerequisites, but I'm optimistic

Rough position and I've found myself in similar instances. For me, I don't want a person like that to be able to hold ANYTHING over my head. So I would politely decline. If he's says'are you too good for my help?!' I'd simply say no, but I am an adult now and can do this all on my own. And while I appreciate sure a generous offer, for the time being it is not needed. Good luck!