Seeking advice from ACoA from a parent

Hi all. I usually post on another site as I have been married to an alcoholic for 25 years but just found out he was an alcoholic a few months ago. He was high functioning. I have two kids, 19 year old son and 22 year old daughter. My daughter has no relationship with her father and says she doesn't even know who he is. My son has always protected his father. And I found out he knew my husband had a drinking problem and my husband would beg him not to tell me when he caught him drinking. My husband was very unreliable, lied constantly and was completely emotionally disconnected. In turn I had a ton of frustration and anger.

My son is away at college. My daughter lives far away. My husband and I are getting separated and I'm so worried about telling my son. I'm afraid he will crumble. People on my other forum suggested I post here and hear it from your perspective on what worked for you or didn't work. What helped or what made it worse? My main concern is my kids and that they are ok.

Any thoughts or help would be great. Thank you so much. I just don't know how to tell them.

The main thing is to have a happier life for you. Be open for counseling for yourself and with them when/if they choose to. It's hard to know how they will feel... knowing they have you and you are interested in their wellbeing and love them is most important. There could be some resentment toward you or toward your husband. Life is always changing and we are always learning.

It's rotten that your son had to hold on to that secret. Often people would ask me how could I have loved my father so much.... I just did.

Good luck. There is no perfect answer. I wish my mom would have been well enough to be there for me.

Glad you are here. Keep talking. Also, some good posts here as well if you have not looked through them yet.

I am sorry you are getting separated. It really hurts. My sons love their Dad too and I think they need the relationship to help them grow up as men. I just signed my divorce papers last weeks. I don't see a lot of my older son. He got addicted to drugs the first time my ex and I separated six years ago. He is sober but I think he is trying to find his way. His Dad is a combination of a high functioning alcoholic, workaholic, depressed, person. I was the cheer leader from hell for the 27 years we were married. I would advise you to be patient, gentle, speak your truth, and find lots of people to give you the care and affection you have been missing for so long. I have pledged to be the stable rock in my kids lives as they become grownups. At the end of the day, if they have someone to phone or to come and tell their news, that is what we can offer.

I think it would be a great idea to go to ACOA meetings.

You need to realize that your children, though your children always, are adults now and they are going to have to live with your decisions. But, you have unwittingly raised two ACOA's yourself and it would be beneficial for them to also attend ACOA meetings.

Your best policy should always be honesty. Tell the kids the truth, that you know he is an alcoholic, that the drinking has been hidden from you but you cannot deny the alcoholic behaviors and are unwilling to put up with them any longer. That they have done enough damage to the family.

i agree with terrilynn, honesty is the best policy here.good luck

The bottom line is that you are doing what is right for you and your children, and that needs to be expressed to your son especially.

My mother is a mess- heavy alcohol and pill abuse, self harms, depression anxiety- and we tried to work as a family to help her but she would not/ could not change her way and as a result, I am no longer in contact with my family. Had my father been able to see clearly and remove my toxic mother from our lives or seek out help earlier on, i think I would have been better off. I remember being a kid and having to put my mom to bed, clean up her messes, not tell my dad, etc.

You are doing the right thing. Seek out counseling for you and your son. Alcoholism is a cancer and it infects every part of your life if you let it. Don't enable, and don't become codependent (like my father). On the plus side, both of your children are adults now and can emotionally handle something like this much better.

Don't expect your son to accept things right away though. As a kid from this situation, it took me a long time and really the support of my husband and introduction of my son to take off the rose-colored glasses....and I still have tough days and doubts about it.

Good luck! I have to say that you are very brave and i commend you on coming here, to ask the ACoA group to get first hand understanding. Not many parents/adults can put their ego aside and do that. Well done!

A college age and someone living on their own can handle the truth. They may know already if it's been 25 years but our families don't talk about it. Break the cycle and speak the truth. Thank you sharing.

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