Writing a letter to my dad's girlfriend

My siblings, other family members, and I are increasingly worried about my dad's drinking. He has recently injured himself again. [Past injuries even resulted in ambulance being called, but no hospital stays.] In addition, he's also been having blackouts and mood issues. At times (when out socializing), he says he's the happiest he's ever been, but at home he seems depressed and talking about death.

My dad is about 77 years old. He's had this one girlfriend for approximately 7 years now. Growing up, he drank from time to time, but never abused alcohol on any regular basis at all. He has had mood issues from time to time throughout his life, but may have been improperly diagnosed/treated. Since just before meeting this girlfriend, he totally changed his life, for the worse, in my opinion. He abandoned all of his previous hobbies (gardening, fishing, hunting, general outdoors appreciation) and became a cafe/bar regular, which he had never been during his 40+ years with my mother, or soon after her death 13 years ago.

The crowd at the bars and cafe are clearly bad influences and some egg on his dysfunctional behavior, while a few others have approached my siblings and my husband saying he was acting very strangely and "out of control".

His girlfriend clearly enables his drinking and less desirable habits. They only hang out together for him to pay for expensive dinners and entertainment. She never even has him over to her house because she "doesn't know how to cook". Though she has joined my family for several holiday dinners over the years, none of my siblings or I have ever become close to her, though we try to be friendly superficially. His behavior with her is often inappropriate in ways it never was prior to her (pawing/touchy feely/inappropriate statements). She, herself, seems to often get drunk with my dad, when she apparently rarely did in the past, before my dad.

No one has really talked to my dad's girlfriend about our concerns for him, but my husband and I have drafted a letter to her. My husband's draft was quite strongly worded and referred to her as "enabling" his drinking. I agree with that, but have softened up the letter a bit to avoid her becoming defensive. But she sees my dad more than any of my siblings or me. Without her support, I fear it will be difficult to influence my dad to get proper help. I don't think he has to leave her necessarily, but she has to stop supporting the new lifestyle that is clearly damaging for him.

It seems like a very sensible idea. You are family, and are allowed to express your concerns.

Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do.

People have to make their own choices. That's just the way it is. I'm sure you wouldn't let a family member or friend make decisions about your life, or who you married, or what your hobbies are etc.

I'm really sympathetic. It must drive you crazy, having this odd woman influencing him so strongly.

But, as i said, it's his life.

BTW my instinct about her is that she is an alcoholic.

I guess you'll just have to stay as emotionally detached as you can, so that this doesn't take over your own life, and be there to pick up the pieces when things go wrong.