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#1
May 15, 2025, 06:02 AM
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Hallo everyone,
my grandfather was an alcoholic but my father as a ACoA sadly wasn't interested to work on his issues so I read a lot of this stuff and many worked for me too. Now I have a girlfriend who is a ACoA and she wants a baby with me. She told me a lot about her alcoholic father and some things were really scary. Her motivation to make a family of her own is to prove her family of origin and to herself that she can make a BETTER family than she grew up in. I personally have some other reasons why I'm not in hurry with making kids, but... can someone comment on this reason of hers? Is it legit? I tried to find something on this topic/reason in ACoA subject cause I have a feeling something isn't quite right with it. Thanks a lot! |
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#2
May 15, 2025, 11:43 AM
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I know nothing of that world. But if you yourself are not ready to have a family don’t. It take both parties. Raising kids is hard and expensive.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#3
May 15, 2025, 01:36 PM
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Idk. I think if you were raised by someone who had a short fuse, an empty bucket, who lacked kindness, however you want to put it - you will have the same approximate fuse length. You may justify it - "i was spanked and yelled at and i turned out alright" - but does it make for a happy life? I dont understand wanting to prove something like this. She can if she WANTS to - if she understands it wont be easy to change her essential being. I was neglectful of my cat and i would have been worse with any kids, because i just had no understanding of anything BUT neglect.
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#4
May 16, 2025, 03:41 PM
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Hello @cureav, it’s certainly good that you’re giving it a lot of thought. It’s a life-changing decision, and there’s no turning back.
Reading your post, I’m inclined to say trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t right. Whatever your reasons for starting a family, they definitely need to be based on a good foundation. I genuinely believe that nothing can prepare anyone for the tsunami of emotions and life changes that raising a family brings; the tears, the tantrums, the exhaustion, the stress, the love, the laughter, the happiness, the sense of completeness. So in addition to thinking about your reasons for wanting a family, be sure that the person your about to start this with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, and that you will support each other come what come may through the super highs and the super lows. If you have that foundation, then you have the basis for building a family. Jeff. |
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#5
May 16, 2025, 04:06 PM
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Wanting a child/family to prove one can do better at it than what they grew up in is not the right reason to have a child or want a family, in my humble opinion. I also think you are correct in having some concerns about her reasoning and line of thinking.
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#6
Yesterday, 09:29 AM
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I absolutely agree with those that think you shouldn't have children based on your girlfriend's logic. In short she has something she needs to prove to herself and you'll be the unlucky victim if her experiment doesn't work out the way she'd like it too. That is the most ridiculous reasoning I've ever heard of. Good luck in finding another girlfriend that won't use you as part of an experiment !
__________________
Trying to Live in the Moment |
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