How do you forgive?

I have deep scars from emotional abuse I endured as a child. My father was an alcoholic. He had an abusive childhood as well. In addition, he was a Vietnam vet with severe PTSD. You know, he saw his buddies being blown up into pieces. Well, he brought Vietnam back home with him. I think I can almost count on one hand the times I saw him sober a whole day. I experienced bizarre behavior, unpredictable, violent behavior, humiliation and intimidation. In 1993, he committed suicide. I was relieved for him and for my mother and myself. Now, I have PTSD including severe anxiety, major depression, a mood disorder and possible DID. I had a damn flashback about three weeks ago. I have a son and I'm terrified that he will experience the same fear I did as a child. I am trying my best to avoid this. He does not deserve this. Nobody does.

My father had gone through so much, but in result, put me through hell. How can I forgive? I don't know how to.

Wow I have been asking myself this question for a long time. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive and he still is. I so want to forgive and move on and not let his abusive words take me down. I struggle with walking away or learning to forgive and move on knowing that I am okay and his words are him not me. It is so hard. I think that I put his behavior behingd me and I can handle being around him and then pow! he hits me with some very hurtful words. There I am again fighting to push those thoughts of no self worth out of my head. Intellictually I know it is him and not me. I can face him with my head up and not take the abuse, but emotionally I crumble and that feeling of hurt and anger take over. I worry about what he will do/think if I walk away. Why do I worry? beats me! My siblings tell me to walk away, they act like there is nothing wrong and one sibling get even worse verbal abuse than I do. I want to love him and have him in my life, but I think part of that is I think that would be the right thing to do. I don't think I can forgive any more. It is too difficult waiting for the next hit. Love to hear how others have coped with this. Godd question How do you forgive?

So how does a person forgive and move on? Anyone have an answer?

Some days I accept what's transpired but I guess that's a far cry from forgiveness? Some days I want to tell him how much he's ruined my life. Other days I hate him. But I don't know if I can just decide to "forgive". It's like the expression "forgive and forget" ... I doubt I'll ever actually forget, so whats the point in trying to forgive?

I just try to remember that he's human and does stupid and bad things like the rest of us. It makes me hate him a bit less and slightly forgive his stupid behaviour and attitude (amongst other things). I'm trying to realize that by not forgiving I'm the one who is punishing myself because holding a grudge and onto all those negative feelings is hard work. It doesn't make it easy though! He doesn't care about how he's negatively affected me - I'm the only one who seems to care that I *was* affected by his bad decisions and his attitude.

All I can say is:
He is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings and actions.
*I* am responsible for *my* own thoughts, feelings and actions. I don't have any control over him ultimately unless he lets me - which he won't.

Forgiveness is a long process. First we've got to forgive ourselves by undoing the damage that's been done to us by others. We must forgive ourselves of lots. Then it seems it might be easier to forgive others for the "big" things. Like someone else's alcoholism and bad decisions.

(I hope I didn't ramble. This is just my perspective, I don't claim to speak for anyone else.)

Thanks Christina! No you didn't ramble and I appreciate what you said. Your feelings are a mirror of my own. I think it is hard not to blame ourself for someone elses behavior and I guess that is what therapy is all about. "Undoing the damage done to us" and forgiving ourselves.
I am so impatient. I know what I need to do, but finding the way to do it and doing it is a long process. It is a scary process. I find myself so frustrated with me because I think I should have been able to do it yesterday! I so want to get to that point in my life where I can walk into his house with my head held high, knowing that I am okay and that what he says can't hurt me. That it is him and I can't change that. But I am okay. I just pray that this will happpen soon because he is getting up there in age (80's). Thanks for your support.

yeah..it happened to me too..same as everybody here..its that emptyness inside of you, that hunger for love and afection..i hate the fact that now im so needy, it makes me sick..but i know its from all the abuse and neglect i suffered with both my parents..they were supposed to take care of me, love me, hug me, kiss me, guide me throug life and make feel confident...but instead..i was discarded, wounded, beaten, punished, and pretending everything was ok, putting both my parents on the bed after a heavy drinking nite..i had to cook my own food, and for my little brothers too..i would see their faces..and see them so sad as well, just like me...man, how do you get over that??...its so fresh on my mind..its so vivid, like it just happened yesterday...i still trumble and cry, just like when i was 5 years old..it took me 40 years to realize i was human..i thougt i was an animal..thats how they treated me..oh well..bitterness, emptyness, sadness, worthlessness, all that ugly stuff..i hope i didnt make anybody feel bad..sorry about that..good bye..

My empathy and compassion for you all and for myself rises to meet you and myself.

The true story from my perspective needs to be told but I am sorry I cannot do that yet. I admire you all for being able to write. I get so tired just thinking about writing it and I don't know where to start. So please just keep posting everyone till I get my courage back again, my trust and my conviction. I need to find courage to type, to find the words that describe the events and the emotions that surround them. I am getting there. I've spoken them out but I just need more time to write it down.

When I read your words that explain your emotions I want to be able to find those words for me. They don't make me feel bad, only stuck between the layers of my mind, thinking if I tell what might happen.

Thanks for reading. Sorry that's all I can put down right now.

Hi,

I too, have memories of a raging father, and when he drank, it was pathetic.

I have to say first, my mother was an alcoholic, my father drank on week-ends occasionally as I grew up.

I am thinking about the question of how do you forgive<>

I know I had to, for myself.

I realized that these parents of mine had undiagnosed issues, for one thing, and if they were ill, and also very toxic for each other, then what good comes out of that situation, really, for anyone.

As I realized, thru my maturing, that I also have made mistakes, and have issues as well that I didn't ask for knowingly, and that blaming my parents for what they were doing does not do me any good in my life now.

I found forgiveness because I need it also.

I need it from anyone I unknowingly or knowingly hurt, from the past, the present and in the future.

How can I expect something from others what I cannot give to others myself<> I check myself in this way often, and find forgiveness makes me stronger in my relationships. In the best way because I have dropped lots of fears of others because I am improving myself on a daily basis.

Even when I mess up, I still accept myself and realize I can make things right.

That, I'm sorry, is something my parents didn't learn.

Peace and Support,
Night

xoxo

Hello
You are not the blame for your fathers behaviour, just like we are never asked if we would like to be born. I had to forgive my father for the abuse, he made me feel creepy just looking at him, but I wont go there as thats another story. I forgave my father by imagining him standing in front of me and telling him about all the pain that he caused me, I made him get down on his knees and apologize in my imagination it was the only way I could move on with my life, and also became aware that I didnt want to remain a victim because when you remain the victum you cant move on, what happened in the past happened and learning to except that helps you to move on as well. This diid not happen over night it was a process of a couple of years and I experienced anxiety, panic attacks and depression as well. When you are aware of what is happening around you are more conscious of making the right decisions when it comes down to your own children, this happened for me with my children, dont worry about your son I am sure you are a good parent as you are very aware of whats going on.
I hope this has helped you with your question please feel free to pm anytime if you need more information to this answer.

sunnye...

i will keep it brief. you can only forgive if you have learned to forgive yourself of what had happen. letting go of all that had happen in the past and looking forward to your future with positivity.

take care and be safe always...

snowflakes

The Greek word for "forgive" means “to let go from one’s power, possession, to let go free, let escape.” In essence, the intent of forgiveness is one in which the “unforgiven” is roped to the back of the unforgiving. The intent is to cut someone loose. The word picture drawn by the Greek terms for unforgiveness is one in which the “unforgiven” is roped to the back of the unforgiving. Isn’t it ironic that unforgiveness is the means by which we securely bind ourselves to that which we hate most?

Hope this helps.

Hey, I sometimes wonder when I hear these stories if my dad served with someone else's dad in Vietnam, them suffering their hells together while we suffer ours years later. My dad's story is the same as yours. I did see him sober but he was emotionally and physically absent for most of my life, which saved me from his flash backs but left me with an awful fear of abandonment that anyone getting too close to me has to deal with. His suicide attempt failed, though.

I don't know how to describe how I forgave my dad, but I did. It's funny, I'm still angry that my mother had to raise me alone without him paying child support and I'm still angry that my childhood without him left me scarred, but I've also forgiven him for his role in that. The only way I know of to forgive a man who causes those kinds of wounds is by the help of God.

I have to agree with others, though. There's really no forgetting. My dad's life right now is a constant reminder of what mine was not and it's too difficult for me to spend much, if any, time with him. But if he needed me for anything, I'd be there in a heartbeat. And some days it's a choice. I feel myself wanting to be bitter and to hold him in contempt for all he's done (or not done) and I have to consciously remember to not tie him back to me, to use SeptemberMorn's word-picture.

The pain doesn't go away but the accusations fade. Good luck to you on your journey.

My father was terrible. He was a functioning alcoholic. He believed in getting up and going to work everyday. (big deal) So you can drink -be an ***** and still go to work. good for you. I got guilt gifts. My mother was a prisoner of her own home. being threatened in front of us kids that if she left hed Off her. so she stayed. and became a prisoner as well. and I dealt with the behavour of both of them. never giving me credit for being good. never seeming to care what was on my mind. they didnt even like talking to me. when I would try to hold a convo as a kid, she would put tape on my mouth. because I "talked too much".

I have yet to forgive what they have done. Maybe forgiving will help me move on. As of right now. I cant. But I give you all credit for doing so. Maybe one day i can exhibit that same strength. Sorry if Ive triggered anybody

I don't know if the answer on how to forgive is going to be the same for everyone. I think we all forgive differently, therefore forgiveness comes in different ways. I know I had to forgive my parents for myself... not for them. I feel that as long as I don't hold onto that hatred that it can't hold onto me, either. JMO

Many of us have had terrible things happen to us at the hands of man. So too, many are victims of chance and/or acts of God. Justice often seems to be a concept for other people sometimes even for the perpetrators of injustice...

For me, justifiable anger is as heavy a weight to carry as unjustified anger. Both serve me poorly. They preocupy me with options I would never excercise because I am simply,,a thoughtfull, compassionate person. At the end of things,,,I find it better to put the dealing of justice in the hands of a higher power,,whether devine or not...

For me,,Forgiveness is the act of letting go of the need to punish. This act is as important in the forgiving of myself as any person I feel has hurt me....

But Forgiveness is not forgetfullness...for the lessens learned in pain are prudent to remember...

IMHO...

Lenny

Hi Sunnye,
I'm so sorry you went through so much pain. My brother was an alcoholic all his adult life and died last April from alcohol poissonning -they think it was suicide. I hope you're in therapy to help you with the scars of your childhood.
You ask a powerful question. How do you forgive? Maybe this will help. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself so you can be released from the prison of pain. It doesnt mean you are in any way validating the wrong doer. Try writing your dad a letter and then then do whatever you wish to it.
As a result of seeing my brothers struggle with alcohol, I decided to never drink- I hate it. To avoid hurting your own son, you need to work on healing the past so you won't make the same mistakes with your own son. You can decide today to, stop letting what your dad did , ruin your life now. I wish you the best of luck. Remember forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not a validation to the abuser.

((((((Everyone)))))))

Every day we are getting better ~

Choose the good... look for it in our own lives.

I agree with Lenny about forgiveness not be about forgetting... it doesn't mean we have to have these people over to the house for dinner... we just let them off the hook, and when we do that, we too, are off the hook!

I realize that this is a process, and more difficult for some as the baggage is much heavier... so allowing more time, and receiving the support needed, is a good way to proceed, if possible.


Peace and Support,
Night
xoxoxoxox

It took my Mothers impending death to forgive.

She was an extremely violent alcoholic, used all sorts of weapons. However, when she was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer that had mets to the brain, my heart softened. I left my husband with my 2 children (who were 3 and 5 then) to go 800 miles for an indefinite period and care for her. She died w/in 30 days, and we shared much in that short period of time. Her request for forgiveness was genuine, as was my willingness to forgive.

--emphasis mine---

Thanks for saying this Lenny--
Many of us struggle with the term "FORGIVENESS". First and foremost, forgiveness is done for OUR SAKE, and is NOT a gift that is given to the party that transgressed us. Forgiveness is for ourselves, nothing more.

FORGIVING someone who has transgressed us is NOT the same as FORGETTING. In fact, to forget would be to do yourself and the world a disservice. If you do not remember the past, then you are doomed to repeat it. No, do not forget. FORGIVE--this will come only when a person is ready to do so, and not one moment before.

I agree with all of the profound statements about forgiveness here... It definitely is for yourself because otherwise it holds us hostage, makes us bitter, angry people and I'm tired of being that person! I forgave my mother for her abuse, and I distance myself from her because she can still be verbally abusive. That said, my grandmother believed in turning the other cheek, and I've done that so much until I'm blue in the face because of everything that happened I still don't feel that I am worthy as in individual. What I realized though, as someone else has stated, that my mother has an undiagnosed mental illness and honestly she was doing the best that she knew how to do at the time! There's another saying that when you know better, you do better and so that is my gift to myself every day...to do better...to be better for myself and for my child. I struggle with repeating bad behavior that I learned as a child, I struggle with showing love because it was not shown to me, but I try every day to be a good person and to be better!

I wish that I could say that it is easy, but is just isn't easy for me! Right now I'm struggling to forgive an exhusband, myself for hanging on to bad relationships and bad behavior, and the medical community for not getting to the bottom of my illness... I'm prayerful that I can let go of these wounds too...one day at a time!

TJ