[AngelWolf3]

Ok. So lately I have been tempted by that little voice that screams to me that I have to look at the scale all the time, and watch what I eat, and that voice that tells me that I am way too big. (she is getting harder and harder to ignore) I have been doing really really well watching what I have been eating too, lately. I am in no way at a dangerous weight, in fact, I might be a smidge overweight for my body frame and height. (I hate that, by the way) Anyway, this past weekend, I ate a bit more at dinnertime than I usually do. Normally, I know how to "fix" that problem, but since my head injury, it hurts me too much to "take care of" overeating the way I normally would. So of course the scales reflect that today. Now all I can think about is how gross I am and how big I look and how I just want to lose X amount of weight and I would feel better.

I was trying to do positive self talk, like it's okay to splurge/"treat yourself" on occasion, and I was about halfway believing it, when I started talking to a co-worker. He brought up dinner last night, and I told him I ate stuffed crust pizza last night with the kids. He looks at me, and says "how do you stay so skinny eating like that?" So I should have taken it as a compliment, but of course my mind is screaming, "see, I told you that you ate too much and you shouldn't have eaten that much pizza, and you aren't going to stay 'skinny' if you keep eating like that,(even though you are totally NOT skinny)" etc. Now all I can think about is how in the heck am I going to re-lose some of the weight I already have lost? And how I have set myself back. And how much I suck. AUGH.

Part of me wishes I had never listened to her. The other part feels comforted by these thoughts. And another part just wants everything in my head to just SHUT UP.

OH well. I am done with my pathetic little pity party. I don't even deserve to be posting here today. I feel like a joke.

[precious things]

I hate that voice. I hate the constant battle between the healthy voice "you deserve to eat like every other human being" and the relentless self-critical ED voice. I always get triggered by the most innocent or complimentary comments. There really is no winning- someone can tell me I look great and I think "if they knew how much work it took to look this way...obviously I can't eat normally because then my weight would explode...." My husband often will toss out a "you look good" after I have been through a heavy purge cycle ( he doesn't know this, but I do ).

I'm sorry you are struggling. You are a human and you do deserve to eat and be healthy. We all do.