[Caab]

Hi! My first post beyond the intro post!

Warning: might be a bit triggering so clock out if you're a sensitive Sally today



Ok so I have been really struggling lately. Such a vanilla word I know. It doesn't explain much at all. I'm more or less a healthy weight... Since a while but things have been slipping the last few months.

Take tonight for instance. My boyfriend has to work late and I'm so hungry but can't eat cuz my mind won't let me. I need him to make me so that I can blame him and the ed will leave me alone. I've just started a new job and I'm finding things so hard. It's normal life stress of being a grown up but all my stress turns to anxiety which turns to struggling to eat.

So I'm now in bed with my cat. And I'm hungry and even the idea of letting myself have food almost makes me laugh.

I'm trying to find a new psychologist. Today I found out I can have a place end of October but I'm too scared to reply.

I just stare in the mirror and see fat and failure everywhere. I really hate myself so much

I feel like my brain is broken. And it'll forever be broken.

I just don't feel sick enough for help and I'm scared the new psychologist will look me up and down and laugh at the idea I ever had anorexia. It took me a long time to accept I had that. I knew but I didnt know- if that makes sense. I first developed it age 17 and then cycled in and out of it.

I feel so scared I'm relapsing.

Help

So guilty and so scared.

[darkrunner]

Hi Caab,

Sorry you are struggling.
I've been in the spot you are in its really frustrating to have had enough treatment to know what you should be doing, but unable to get yourself to do it.

I hope you can keep fighting for recovery. Your mind is not broken but just needs a little time to get used to new ways of thinking. You are giving in to the old ways so you are not giving it enough time. And remember, if you are not nourishing your body, your mind won't want to work properly either.

Please set things up with the psychologist! To think you are not sick enough is an ED lie!!!! I know your know that.

Don't give up. Keep trying to think about how you can start to WANT to want to recover again.

[eskielover]

Therapy will also be good because it sounds like you are similar to me.....stress & anxiety are major triggers for weight loss & once the cycle gets started again, it's difficult to control.

Having a good T who can help you deal with the anxiety really helps....My psychologist knows about my anorexia.....but she focuses on the anxeity & my staying in control through mindfulness & that keeps the anorexia in it's controlled place......

So therapy is a very good thing......definitely something you need to respond to & get started having help that will keep you healthy.

[Victoria'smom]

Clinically I have ED-NOS, my file use to say history of Anorexia because I do not underweight. I even walked in to my Therapists office telling her, "I don't want to work on my eating disorder." 3 yrs later we're working on my eating disorder. I would seriously get a therapist it really doesn't matter if they are an ED specialist.

[Caab]

Thank you all. I'm just falling down a rabbit hole and can't seem to pull myself out. It's like I'm watching it happen!!!

I found a scales in work and hopped on it. I'm teetering on underweight again and yet was disgusted with myself it wasn't lower.

I know I don't want to die, but every time I purge I'm playing with fire. I've already damaged my heart, my oesophagus, royally ****ed up my epiglottis. My teeth are in bits. I'm going to the dentist for the first time since I was a teenager. So so so scared they'll "know".

I really want to better, but suck at this. I have theory but it never seems to stick.

If I was to be re-diagnosed I would be EDNOS as I still have my period, more or less. And I'm not an anorexic BMI.

I'm sorry I'm talking so much ed ********. But I feel so stuck and so scared of myself and my dumb brain.

So sad at the moment.