[yaseko]

I've been in an IP ED unit since August, and I believe that it's making me worse.

I'd had issues of various sorts with food since my early childhood. It's clear that eating issues, for me, are going to be a chronic underlying thing throughout my life. I've always had a distaste, ranging from disinterest to horror, for food, and it's something that I've always aimed to manage rather than eliminate - it seems a bit futile to try to eliminate it. It's an issue with food, however, not an issue with weight. I wouldn't say I have a poor body image; I don't relate at all to other anorexics in that respect. I wouldn't say I have a body image at all. I've always been really detached from my physical appearance.

With depression, I'm also sometimes compelled to starve to harm myself, but not out of any weight-related reason.

But, since entering the ED unit, where the staff expect you to be a textbook anorexic, I've found myself developing aspects of body dysmorphia from which I've never suffered before. For the first time, rather than simple fear of food and the wish to harm myself, I'm becoming afraid of fat. What should I do?

[Gr3tta]

please share these feelings with your caregivers. i am certain they are not uncommon! they should be offering you strategies for coping better.
i am sorry you are going through this. maybe this is the darkness before the dawn? i hope you will feel better soon.

[buttrfli42481]

Have you talked with staff there about this fear of becoming fat? That is what I would do. What made you go inpatient in the first place? Was it because your weight got too low? I can understand how you can pick up on other aspects of anorexia while inpatient. For me it was body checking. I would commpare myself to the other females on the unit, especially the anorexic ones, and long to be like them. Something that my treatment team has helped me to understand is that they will not allow me to get fat. In fact I have reached a point where my dietician is not weighing me any longer at every visit. I am at a stable weight. Do you have a projected discharge date yet? I have to go, but will come back and write more later.

[precious things]

this is all still your eating disorder at play--I don't think there is a single ED person here who doesn't think they are sick enough and I need to prove I've really got this thing...you don't have to prove it, you are worthy of the help you are getting. You don't have to be a textbook anything, just a human who is really struggling with her life and is using food and her body to express it.

Tell your team, if they truly understand EDs they will understand this distorted thinking and help you work through it, if not, I'd find a new IP program.

[spondiferous]

I agree that if you're not sharing this with your care providers you should do so. It's important that, regardless of what kind of treatment or care you're getting, it should be working for you, not against you. Good luck.

[eskielover]

Wow, I've never heard of anyone being able to afford an IP ED treatment for that long. Insurance programs usually will not allow it to go on for that long & usually force an end date no matter where the patient's at in their recovery, or like for me, I was IP on funds the treatment center had for people who didn't have insurance that covered it & didn't have the money to pay & whether I was ready to leave or not....They forced me out after 6 weeks & when my husband couldn't drive that far to pick me up, one of the heads of the treatment center actually drove me home. My weight was no where close to being safe....I was in & out of the medical hospital with Central line IV nutrition for almost a year after that. Sounds like your family must be really rich to be able to afford that kind of treatment for you for that long.

I am sorry that you are struggling with it. For me, I wasn't the typical anorexic person either & didn't have the body image issues that they kept trying to cram into my brain as being the problem. You are right about them not being able to treat anything but what they claim is the text book anorexia issues...& they refuse to deal with the REAL issues causing anorexia. My anorexia started at the age of 42 with my depression & the weight loss that the Prozac started & I really liked the loss of weight & seeing the weight drop & also, there had to be some "passive suicidal" issues involved also. Stress all my life caused me to loose weight even when I was in college getting my degree but those periods of stress were there & over....the extended period of stress that turned into depression, the weight loss never went away which ended up in a very excessive case of anorexia.

The second time about 10 years later came after going through a trauma & had nothing to do with body image.....even though there's always something about loosing weight that once it gets started is almost impossible to have any desire to stop & not being able to eat because of the nausea caused by the stress becomes a vicious circle.

My pdoc & my GP told me to find an ED treatment center after I said what a loser the last time was.....when I talked to the ED treatment centers & told them about the trauma & how it had made me so sick I couldn't eat & caused me to loose so much weight I had to be treated in the medical hospital for about a month....they said they only know how to treat anorexia caused by body image issues.

I believe that 99% of what end up body image issues are really other issues that aren't being treated by them....I have heard more people who end up with anorexia who have been sexually or emotionally abused as a child or in their growing up years, I've hears of many who have gone through a rape, & many who ended up in a bad relationship & ended up pregnant & had an abortion that they struggled living with....the consequences......anorexia.....maybe because of body image issues that were caused by those things or maybe just the internal stress they were experiencing but it came out as anorexia & restricted eating rather than overeating.

Sometimes I think there as many reasons for anorexia as there are people who suffer with it & the treatment needs to be completely personalized.....I think their textbook cases aren't worth the paper they are written on personally & from my own experience & the experience of other's I have heard about & talked with.

The issues aren't easy to deal with....but if they aren't even addressed as the initial cause of the ED, whether anorexia, bulimia, or overeating, ...how can anyone expect recovery?

I am sorry you are struggling there & you are right...it's easy to adapt other's behaviors & thought processes into our own after being around them for so long & sometimes after hearing what they try to force us to believe about our ED that really isn't the case....really isn't appropriate TREATMENT.. I knew it made me angry with them trying to tell me the cause of why I was dealing with anorexia. I didn't really know what all was involved with my anorexia at the time because my depression was so bad....but I sure fire knew it wasn't what I felt they were trying to brainwash me into believing was the cause.

I'm sure that was why they ended up discharging me when they did.....but no other people were in the program for much longer than 6-8 weeks either.

Sorry for the & the rant.....but your situation sounds very similar to my experience in some ways.

Maybe you need to find another treatment facility who can REALLY HELP rather than this one that is stuck in what they believe to be the only textbook treatment of your ED.

[Laina M.]

Definitely talk to your treatment team about this. It's well known that being around other people with eating disorders on a regular basis can often be extremely triggering, or even result in patients picking up on new ED habits (like you are) from other clients. This should always be a consideration in a person's treatment, it definitely was in mine.

[pinkbutterfly]

I have this theory about the hyperfocus on weight and body image...I think it plays a part for MOST people...but for many many of us...it's only part. The bigger issue -- is MUCH bigger. But guess what? When I am super focused on my body issues and weight and numbers, I can't think about the other stuff. It's a distraction (not a conscious distraction), but a VeRY EFFECTIVE distraction from the issues.