Back at it

I don't know if it's bikini season or just all the anxiety, probably both, but I relapsed. Started working out more. Restricting badly. I'm on diet pills now. I don't know. The other day, on here actually, someone started telling me they were scrawnier than me. They didn't mean anything but since then I've been obsessed with my bmi. IMO it's way higher than it ever should be.
I was at the doctor a while ago and he had another doctor there watching him. A student I guess. He was talking about my weight and he mentioned to her how thin I had been and how my bmi had been sooo low and i just couldn't stop smiling. I want that again.
I don't take peoples comments about how 'healthy' I look as compliments. It's not same but I miss having random little kids tell me im a skeleton.
I missed this. And it's a great distraction. It stops the anxiety about everything else and finally my anxiety is something I can control. I'm anxious about food. I can control that. Worried about my weight. I can control that. I don't ever feel control any other time. I just feel helpless and hopeless. I don't know if I wa originally worried about my weight or if I forced myself into it to cope.

How are things now? Are you in treatment? It's good you can look from the outside to see you can get carried away with weight loss.

no I'm not in treatment. I'm eating but it's stressing me and I want to stop but I don't know.
thanks for asking