[eskielover]

Last week I had the best talk with my psychologist. Two weeks before I had commented that I had been loosing some weight but was still at a safe weight.......then the weekend before I saw her I ended up getting sick with a stupid cold.....I had been planing on going on a mini 4 day vacation that getting sick stopped me from doing........& I wasn't feeling much energy to even deal with eating.

All my anorexia issues I have previously had with previous pdoc's & psychologists so she really hadn't talked to me much about the struggle I have with it when major stress is involved. She started asking about it.....but then the discussion I took off on other points mentioned.....but she was great about bringing it back so that she has a much better understanding of my total history....going back to my childhood which never included any ED, but it was some of the foundation that this later on ED has been based on....with the main basis being that I didn't want to be anything like my mother & I tried as hard as I could to not be anything like her & part of that included controlling my weight & not just letting myself go after I got married nor gaining a lot of weight like other women who got pregnant.....being in good shape with exercise & I knew that I hated getting overfull because my dad being nice always wanted to make sure when I gave him the rest of my food that he wasn't taking away from me something that I might really want to eat....so he always would ask if I was sure I didn't want any more (in a very nice, caring way). I always remember eating out at Bob's Big Boy & I loved their chocolate shakes....but by the end of the meal, I could hardly eat much & my dad would always ask if I just wanted a little bit more because he didn't want me to be hungry......so there were times I went home feeling so overfull & sick.....& I hated getting sick....so I all my life I was careful about not eating so much I would get to that overfull feeling......stress, midterms & finals at the university were my worst times....I would loose quite a bit during that time...luckily it wasn't long term & I would gain back what I lost during the next month.....but there were definitely eating issues that I had.....& always skipped breakfast because I was always running late getting ready for school.....which is still the story of my life....& when I'm running late trying to get so many things done....there is just no time for food.....it's last on my priority list.....

Then we got into the actual anorexia times that started in my 40's when stress & depression set into my life & I no longer had racquettball with the guys at work to take my frustrations out on & to release my stress.....& the bad marriage had grown to be intollerable but I didn't realize it at the time.....I above all....I really didn't want to live.....but they don't think that's a real reason for anorexia........but it's definitely a control issue & that is what my anorexia is really based on.......so my psychologist finally in one session got the big picture of my ED......because she wanted to know & because I have been stressed & loosing weight a bit...then I got sick....& I also have major oral surgery coming up where I am having all my teeth removed, 4 months later getting 2 implants....then 4 months later getting the permanent dentures.....so we are talking about an ongoing 10 months of serious eating issues & inability to eat, dealing with pain & just in general being in a situation where eating is going to be a problem just in general.....so obviously, it's a top issue.

The DBT really does help because eating & taking care of ones self is all about emotional regulation & distress tolerance.....if one doesn't eat & sleep well.....emotions & distress get all out of control......so eating basically has to be looked at as something that just has to be done like putting gas in my truck.....& I have to function since I live alone & I don't have anyone to take care of me if I were to loose too much weight & get really sick....& I have 3 dogs that are my babies that NEED ME to take care of them.....they are dependent on ME.....so I have to take care of myself.....there isn't any option.......& she said what I have been saying....it takes more control to stay at a healthy point than does the control to not eat & restrict my eating.....that's easy because my body doesn't tell me that it's hungry so it's easy to forget to eat....it takes no control....but it takes a lot of control to go down stairs & fix myself something to eat especially if I have to cook it...more than just put something in the microwave & nuke it.

It felt good in a lot of ways to have her understand that aspect of my life........& she also knows that Fall isn't a good time for me....& my mom's cousin died a few days ago which brought back all my memories of the last visit he had with my mother which was just after my mother got out of the hospital after blood clots after her cancer surgery....& the home care person manipulated her way into the picture & my mother's wedding ring had turned up missing......& there was so much questionable things going on that my head had already started to whirl & realize that there was something seriously uneasy that I was feeling but couldn't pin point what it was.....that was just the start of the 5 days of trauma I went through......& his death brought back those memories.......so I get this horrible spacy feeling & struggle not to depersonalize........I seriously shouldn't schedule anything in fall, but always hope that it will take my mind away from the trauma....that just the fall feel in the air triggers........

So the struggle continues to stay in control of being healthy yet not allow myself to get overweight like did happen after the first time when I lost so much......I had ended up gaining more than I had ever weighed in my life.....& that is something I also refuse to EVER allow to happen again.....so after the anorexia hit during the trauma situation it took over a year to get to a healthy weight....& now I'm trying to stay in control & NEVER let my weight get out of control in either direction EVER again......so there is a continuous stress with that & it's not easy when major stressors hit again.

Both my psychologist & my DBT group leader are at very healthy weights & are small like me in the first place.....& she realizes that there is NO BODY IMAGE issues involved......when I loose a lot of weight & am unhealthy......I look like crap.....skin & bones & wrinkles like my 90+ year old grandmother....nothing pretty about that....so I don't see myself as fat when I am under weight.....but like I told her...there is something addictive about loosing weight & seeing the pounds drop off......so that's an issue that I do need to deal with....it's more about how good it feels to see the pounds drop.....but it doesn't feel good to see how bad I really look at the very low weights. I think the first time I was curious about just how much I could loose & how much my body was capable of loosing & still being able to function.....as I was showing my horse in dressage shows at the time & showing my eskie dogs & training them.......& I kept passing out.....so that wasn't a good thing....especially around my huge horses....not only that but it freaked out my horses when I would pass out....coming to with horses noses sniffing at me & all their huge bodies standing over me....wasn't exactly a good feeling....but that was in a very dark period of my life when I really didn't want to live & I thought that the stigma of having a mom die of anorexia would be a lot easier on my daughter than having a mom who OD'ed or took her life in another way.....it was my passive suicide action at that time....but that wasn't the case the next time.....it was just what going through a trauma did to me....& I had no idea that my body would actually react in that extreme way to what I went through.

Life has been a total learning experience.....some good, some bad....but all learning.....& I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't gone through all that I have gone through as my life was pretty sheltered & naive even being a computer engineer for 15 years.

OK....enough rambling....have to get back to work & getting things done today. It was really nice to just be able to chat with my psychologist about the things that went on in my life that I didn't understand at the time but have become more clear....especially after leaving my bad marriage & going through DBT so that I am able to have the words & the understanding of the things that happened in my past rather than just reacting to unknown emotions.

[notalone11]

I'm glad you had a good talk with them. It sounds like you've progressed a lot and put in a lot of hard work.