[theinvisigoth]

I've been doing good the past few days, managed to cook something big enough to have leftovers, with help from a friend, and eating 2 meals a day. But I don't think it's going to last. The only reason I'm managing this is because my T threatened to hospitalize me (I think the only reason he hasn't yet is because he doesn't think a hospital environment would be very good for me and wants it to be a very last resort).

I'm terrified of going to the hospital, so I'm caving to all of his ultimatums, reaching out, keeping him updated about my meals. But I can already feel myself slipping, I'm running on panic and fear not a desire/ability to take care of myself properly and I can only sustain that for so long.

I told him last week I need a new, better motivator to eat than fear, and so we're working on it slowly, but I'm not sure...

[kaliope]

maybe my sisters story can help, that is if you are afraid of dying. this illness took her life. it destroyed her. not all at once. she suffered for many years because of it. my mother brainwashed us to believe we had to be skinny to be acceptable. no man would ever want us because we were fat she would say, so no wonder my sister believed she had to be skinny to get a husband. she believed having a man in her life would take away all of her problems and make her happy for once. so she starved herself, took laxatives. besides ending up it the hospital frequently with heart problems due to low potassium levels, it got to the point that her intestines could no longer function on their own. food would get stuck in them and rot. she had multiple surgeries to remove parts of her bowels. she walked with a walker she was so weak. so here she was, using a walker, ending up in the hospital once a month, but still on match,com trying to find the love of her life making up profiles of how active she is, telling lie of how she loves to hike and bike when she cant even get out of bed. I would wonder how sick her mind was that she thought she was attractive in her current state. it got to where she couldn't eat many things and had to vaccume pump food out of her stomach through a tube they had inserted and then she couldn't eat solid food at all. her body finally shut down and she died in January. she was trying to gain weight. she had regretted what she had done. but she couldn't fix it at that point. she didn't set out to destroy herself, only to be skinny. she paid a very high price and she never got the payoff. she was never happy. I on the other hand have stayed fat. I have had men in my life. I have friends. I am successful. I have a great job. I have money. I have a much richer life than she ever did. am I missing out on anything because I am not skinny. I don't think so. it is not worth the cost. take care.

[Travelinglady]

Dear one, what do you think would be a better motivator?

[eskielover]

Motivation has to come from within ourselves......we have to own the reason why.....no one can give us that desire.

When I was at the point where I would have rather not lived....there was nothing that anyone could say that could convince me to eat......but then again when I was under major stress after a trauma, I had the same problem....but I was still in the bad marriage at the time....the only thing that helped push me out of the anorexia at that time was my new foal that had been born & needed care & she was something special in my life that I had never expected I would have.

Now I'm free from the bad marriage.....I still struggle with eating....but I keep my weight at a safe place. I have been lucky that I haven't destroyed my body with the years of anorexia & the many times I tried to end my life in other ways.........looking back....I am thankful that I wasn't successful because I never imagined at that time my life could have ever been as good as it's turned out.....it could be better....but it's so much better now.....it's worth keeping my weight at a safe place without allowing it to gain or lose too much......

Find it takes more control keeping one's weight at a safe place than it ever did trying to eat nothing.

[theinvisigoth]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Dear one, what do you think would be a better motivator?

I'm not sure. I find, personally, that it's easier to eat with company, working on exactly why with my T. What I want to do is get to a point where I'm eating because I want to take care of myself, because I love myself, and because I'm listening to my body, but that might be a long way off...

[eskielover]

T & I had a conversation a few days ago about my eating (or lack of eating). The problem after so many years of restricting.....my body doesn't tell me when it's hungry any longer so I'm finding it almost impossible to listen to a body that doesn't say anything unless it's about ready to collapse after days of not eating.

We talked about eating in terms of DBT......logically food is our source of enegry like gas for an auto....our body doesn't run without it & in terms of emotional regulation, food is necessary to regulate our emotions otherwise they get out of control. Taking care of our body in all ways is necessary for emotional stability & health which places eating as a skill that is necessary & at times that is all we can think of it as when eating starts to become a problem (my lack of eating is triggered by stress & feeling out of control in my normal every day life).....thus something I can control....but as I have said many times & my T also said....it takes more control to stay right at the place in my healthy weight that I am ok with...then it takes for the control to just continue to loose.

[HonestlyLying]

I can so relate! I'm in a similar situation but refuse to be treated. I know the panic that you're referring to. I find that praying for a while can relieve my deep fear and believe that everything will be fine no matter what.