[Neptune83]

I'm sorry, I didn't know what to put as the subject.
I feel really confused. I suppose I should explain briefly.
I began restricting at 12 years old. I was stressed and unhappy, very anxious, depressed, partly because I was constantly bullied at school and also because I confided in a teacher that I'd been abused earlier in my life, I hadn't told anyone before. My parents were told and refused to believe me, passing it off as attention seeking.
I am not sure how much of that had anything to do with restricting, but a huge part of it was wanting to be accepted, or at the very least for the bullying to stop. I noticed that most of the girls were super skinny so I thought maybe if I was smaller I might somehow gain some respect. I lost a lot of weight and was underweight for quite some time. Circumstances changed drastically to cut a long story short, ended up meeting a guy who encouraged me to eat and so I did. We were together eleven years and had a son together. It sadly wasn't working and in early 2010 we split. He passed away very shortly after which was completely devastating. I stopped eating initially then because I needed to cope with the grief, guilt and anxiety I felt. It wasn't a weight related thing. But it carried on, my bizarre eating habits. Slowly I lost weight but this turned into something else about a year ago. A lot of things happened during 2013, I had another baby, my step son (I'm now married) lost his mother, we moved house and it just all took its toll on me and I felt I was falling apart and so my eating further suffered. But I suddenly noticed the scales going down rather fast, and I liked it. It was like that thrill from seeing that years ago had been woken up and I was proud, like I'd accomplished something out of all this rubbish we'd been through. It sounds so stupid. I then started purposely restricting, not just as a means to control anxiety but also because I wanted to be smaller. I started counting calories, I never bothered with this before. Ever. I started exercising every day. And now I'm underweight again. Not hugely so.
The thing is, people keep saying I need to gain weight, I need to eat, I'm suffering from an ED, I'm anorexic etc. but I'm in conflict. I have other MH issues - a dissociative disorder, PTSD, GAD. So it's not unusual for me to feel I am more than one person, I've learnt to recognise this over time. There are very different parts. And I don't know if this is adding to this, or even if THIS is a problem. There's one part that will tell me I have a problem and I need help and I want to recover. There's another part that tells me this is a lie, I'm fine and I can justify it all - I exercise but I don't think excessively so at about 22km a day on stationary cycle, I restrict but usually to half or a quarter of what the RDA states, so I must be stupid because I do actually eat something therefore can't possibly be anorexia because this part says I should be just drinking water if that's the case. Then there's another part which is like referee, who explains it all on both sides because they're fair. But they can't decide, I can't decide or think clearly. It's like having a child and a parent argue constantly and I'm stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace.
I realise none of this is actually 'normal'. I don't even know what I'm doing typing this. I think I need clarity. I don't want to see my GP, I want people to get off my case and let me breathe. My husband worries. One part wants help, the other won't let her. I'm stuck in the middle. I don't know who's right or wrong and I don't know if I need help or if I'm being a bit silly.
Sorry. Awfully long, waffly post.

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[Neptune83]

Oh, and I do apologise if I've said anything that's against forum rules. Please do edit if I have!

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