[VermiciousKnid]

***Trigger Warning*** (I have also labeled the last paragraph as especially triggering. Please avoid if you are feeling vulnerable.)

The idea that I am suffering from anorexia is basically new to me. I battled anorexic symptoms briefly in high school, but the majority of my ED history is bulimia (so thankful to be able to say that, after receiving inpatient treatment, bulimia has not been an issue for years.) I had been ED-free for a few years before February, when a number of triggers hit.

The first trigger was a nasty stomach bug that lasted a few weeks, kept me from eating and caused me to lose weight. The second trigger was going back on asthma medication. The controller meds are having a very unusual effect on me: loss of appetite. This is not a normal side effect. I have tried several different ones, and they all do the same thing. However, I must take them, at least for the time being.

I could feel myself becoming anxious about food in the last two months, but it hit hard a couple weeks ago: extreme anxiety. This is because I had by this time lost quite a bit of weight from being sick and having no appetite. The more I lose, the more anxious about weight and fearful about gaining I become.

***Especially Triggering*** Do not read if you are feeling vulnerable


Tonight, I just threw away the meal I had prepared for myself rather than eating it. This is devastating to me, as it is something I have not done in years. I do feel physically hungry, so I know it's not the meds this time. I am in therapy - mostly for other issues - but I am open to addressing this with my T at my next session.

Edit: wanted to say that I am eating dinner now. I let my boyfriend know what was going on, and that in and of itself was therapeutic. I am now able to accept his support now that he knows what I'm struggling with. I am also seeing my T tomorrow.

[eskielover]

My last time with anorexia started the same way. My mare was pregnant & my foal watch was sleeping next to her stall in the back of my jeep. The gotcha was a forest fire smoke covered the valley. The smoke caused me to have a horrible asthma reaction that even the ER couldn't help so me GP stuck me in the hospital & bad reaction to a med, I ended up being in for 10 days (mare still didn't have her foal). Everything smelled & tasted like smoke even after getting out of the hospital & my weight loss started again.

I had been hospitalized 10 years earlier for serious anorexia issues & extremely low weight but had gained it back & more. I had finally been given meds that controlled my continuous migraine pain so I was now more active at the ranch where my horses were. Activity then food tasting horrible, eating basically stopped except a few things that tasted ok & the weight began to drop quickly.

My mare finally had her foal & Itssabout Tyme (Izzy) was my life. Though at the same time, my mom wasn't healing from her cancer surgery that summer & at 3 weeks old, Izzy injured her leg down to the bone. She required care several times a day & my mom was requiring help (an hour away). Stress was building & even if I had felt like eating there was no time in my day for it. While Izzy was healing, my mom was getting worse & I hated her oncologist so was always having to fight for her quality of care. Final straw was a home care person who manipulated her way into the position (my mom was never the brightest person at making good decisions). Things just didn't feel right & I stayed there with my mom only to catch this person abusing my mom, hat to fight her for the phone when I caught her applying for a CC using my moms information. I immediately started looking for new care. This woman was a a neighbor of my mom's BF & good friend of his daughter. Before I could get someone new in, she had called the police about me being the one abusing my mom....that got straightened out but she OD'ed my mom before it was all over. I got my mom safely into the hospital under an alias as suggested by hospital security. Filed a report with APS at the hospital & as I was driving to the police department the next morning was being followed by the woman. I had a fear that morning getting into the car that it might not be safe but thankfully that fear was wrong. I never left my mom's side for the 3 weeks she was in the hospital. By that time, I had lost so much weight I ended up really sick. My GP who had been monitoring me with the asthma then started focusing on the weight.

The thing was that the more I lost, the more I started wanting to loose & it just added to my already bad place I was in....it triggered that awesome feel of loosing weight.

I ended up finding a nursing home close to my home then I ended up myself back in the same hospital my mom had been in. I was in & out having to deal with hospice care & other issues. Last night I was with her before having to go back into the hospital myself, she died a few hours after I left & after she got the needed permission from me to let go & let God take her to heaven. Got the call in the hospital that my mom had died. It was actually a good place for me to be at the time because I was in a bad marriage with a guy who was incapable of emotional connection & at 30 years of that, it was also adding to my stress levels especially the stupid way he reacted when I was going through the trauma with the home care person.

Put all these things into the pot & stir :stirpot: & the resulting anorexia & anemia landed me in the hospital for several months though I had to go AMA to attend my mom's small graveside funeral that I planned from the hospital so I could control who even knew when or where..only close friends & family & NOT the BF!!!! That situation really added to my stress also because my mom while in the hospital couldn't grasp why he wasn't allowed to visit.

The PTSD I ended up with that kept the anorexia going for several years until I was finally able to leave the marriage & the place I lived all my life & buy the beautiful farm I now own after selling my mom's house that I grew up in. It took me over a year to be able to go back in that house after the horrible things that happened there

I totally understand how your medication & other things trigger the anorexia & then the almost addictive feel that weight loss creates. Not easy to fight

(((hugs))) I had a cousin die of this disease, and i will always remember that she was a nurse. It does not discriminate and there is no reasoning behind it. I wish you all the best my dear blessings and tc

[VermiciousKnid]

Eskie, thank you so much for having the openness to share your story so profoundly. I am sorry for the trauma you have experienced and I am in awe of your bravery.

Omega, thank you for the hug! Much appreciated. I am so sorry to hear about your cousin.

I want to report that I am doing better. I have had 3 therapy sessions dedicated to talking about food and have discovered some good tools that are working well for me. one tactic that is helping to alleviate stress is taking a nice picture of my plate and looking at it while I eat when I begin to feel stressed, and also refer to it after my meal if my stomach starts feeling tight and uncomfortable. An idiosyncrasy perhaps, but I am relieved that it works much of the time.

[eskielover]

Anything that works to keep it under control IS GOOD!!!

Glad you found something that works for you.

[VermiciousKnid]

Thanks, Eskie. Things have been a lot better. Not perfect, but definitely making progress

Originally Posted by VermiciousKnid

***Trigger Warning*** (I have also labeled the last paragraph as especially triggering. Please avoid if you are feeling vulnerable.)

The idea that I am suffering from anorexia is basically new to me. I battled anorexic symptoms briefly in high school, but the majority of my ED history is bulimia (so thankful to be able to say that, after receiving inpatient treatment, bulimia has not been an issue for years.) I had been ED-free for a few years before February, when a number of triggers hit.

The first trigger was a nasty stomach bug that lasted a few weeks, kept me from eating and caused me to lose weight. The second trigger was going back on asthma medication. The controller meds are having a very unusual effect on me: loss of appetite. This is not a normal side effect. I have tried several different ones, and they all do the same thing. However, I must take them, at least for the time being.

I could feel myself becoming anxious about food in the last two months, but it hit hard a couple weeks ago: extreme anxiety. This is because I had by this time lost quite a bit of weight from being sick and having no appetite. The more I lose, the more anxious about weight and fearful about gaining I become.

***Especially Triggering*** Do not read if you are feeling vulnerable


Tonight, I just threw away the meal I had prepared for myself rather than eating it. This is devastating to me, as it is something I have not done in years. I do feel physically hungry, so I know it's not the meds this time. I am in therapy - mostly for other issues - but I am open to addressing this with my T at my next session.

Edit: wanted to say that I am eating dinner now. I let my boyfriend know what was going on, and that in and of itself was therapeutic. I am now able to accept his support now that he knows what I'm struggling with. I am also seeing my T tomorrow.

Thinking of you. xoxxo


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