[Demon]

For most of my life I've been living with a duel personality. It's like having the personalities of two completely different people in the same mind and body.

One side of me is a caring and considerate individual who has no desire to hurt anyone. While the other side of me wants to hurt people very badly. When I am in that personality, I only care about me and don't give two shits about anybody else. That side of me is dangerous.

I can switch between these two separate personalities at any time, but I've noticed that I don't always have complete control over them. Certain situations can trigger one personality or the other. When I am in that mind frame, that's who I become.

I was reading a little bit about Jekyll and Hyde personalities and that's basically what I have, except that when I switch between the two personalities I genuinely become that person. I don't experience emotional outbursts though. My emotions are quite limited, regardless of which personality I'm in. I do tend to feel a little more emotion when I'm in the 'Dr Jekyll' or 'good' personality though. When I'm in the 'Mr Hyde' or so-called 'evil' personality, as it's been referred to, I am almost completely emotionless. The only genuine emotion I feel is anger.

I'm wondering what may have caused my personality to split in two like that. I did have an abusive upbringing, which likely contributed to it, but I wonder sometimes... Is it possible that I was born this way?

I've been tested for antisocial personality disorder in the past and scored very high for it. So, I can't help but wonder if there's a correlation between AsPD and having a duel personality or maybe it relates to a different personality disorder altogether. The only other one I've been diagnosed with is schizoid PD.

I know people with AsPD mask who they really are in order to blend in and/or manipulate people and I do that too at times, but that's not what a duel personality is. At least not in the sense that I've been referring to in this post anyway.

Do any of you others ever feel like you're living with two different people in the same body? And if so, can you relate to anything I've posted here in regard to my situation. What do you think caused it?

I don't quite feel like a dual personality, per se. But I do feel a push/pull between how I feel or react in certain situations. And it does vary based on impulse, usually.

With my long-term boyfriend for example. I find myself incredibly drawn towards caring for him, ensuring he undergoes no harm, & performing the typical tasks of a girlfriend. But I just simply... I don't know if I am incapable or if I just choose not to, but I can't categorize the harm I do to him as something to prevent or avoid or rally against. I cheat on him with complete & utter disregard -- staring him blankfaced in the eye as he's yelling about betrayal & other such ****. But when it comes to someone else even indirectly harming him, I go into some full out warrior-mode.
With most other people, I don't really care. Indifferent is an overestimation... I don't feel particularly drawn to manipulating or harming anyone unless I'm manic or there's something I can stand to benefit. Going out of your way to cause hell for someone has it's own risks & it's usually best to go on the path of least resistance. I prefer to keep to myself as often as I can.
I've pretty much drawn up my relationship to a "collective selfishness". Like, not to dehumanize, but he's akin to property. Valuable but mine. I have a hard time even imagining what might ever go through the mind of someone else. Or imagine their motivations to act. It just doesn't occur to me. So perhaps that explains my conflict between feelings & action in that circumstance.

As for your case, it's clearly a defense mechanism. I think the predator/prowler Mr. Hyde personality may have something to do with your Schizoid PD... Fantasy worlds of being infallible. Holding complete power over someone else. It sounds like something you idealize & qualities you see as valuable, therefore you embody them. Especially when you're bored & there is nothing to stop you from falling into & being consumed by those thoughts.

[Demon]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I've pretty much drawn up my relationship to a "collective selfishness". Like, not to dehumanize, but he's akin to property. Valuable but mine.

I can relate to that. People have told me that I talk about my daughter as though she's an object. In a way, I do kind of view my daughter as my property, my possession. I feel like I own her.

I see most people as objects that are either useful or not useful. I don't really see my daughter as an object per se though, but I do see her as something I own.

I have a hard time even imagining what might ever go through the mind of someone else. Or imagine their motivations to act. It just doesn't occur to me.

When I was growing up, other people's emotions and feelings never really occurred to me. The only person who mattered was me and in a way, that's still true, but I tend to pay attention to other people's emotions a lot more these days because, often times, I've had to pretend to feel what they're feeling just to blend in.

As for your case, it's clearly a defense mechanism. I think the predator/prowler Mr. Hyde personality may have something to do with your Schizoid PD... Fantasy worlds of being infallible. Holding complete power over someone else. It sounds like something you idealize & qualities you see as valuable, therefore you embody them. Especially when you're bored & there is nothing to stop you from falling into & being consumed by those thoughts.[/SIZE][/FONT]

I'm not real clear on how my 'Mr Hyde' personality is a defense mechanism. What am I supposed to be defending myself from?

I guess I could probably see it as a defense mechanism against the abuse I experienced in the past. It made me not trust people and gave me a predator/prey view of the world, but I don't ever view myself as prey, so I don't really need a separate personality to turn myself into a predator. I just feel like I naturally am one, regardless of which personality I'm in.

I completely get it. And I guess I just need to age a bit more to "mellow out" & gain more understanding about others... I know the basics enough to twist facts/conversations to make things run smoothly, but on an individual level, it eludes me. Despite everything, I'm pretty easy to talk to so they usually wind up revealing plenty that gives me something to go on.

And as for the defense thing, that's kind of what I meant. Of course there are exceptions to the rule. But I was specificslly referring to when -- as you've mentioned -- the drives/fantasies become encompassing. I get the same way quite often; where I feel an exaggeration of my baseline levels of aggression & defensiveness.
This is just a theory I have & I've been wanting for a while to run it by someone else diagnosed... But you know how most PDs are derived from recurring feelings/situations that create a negative schema? Borderlines were abandoned, narcs/histrionics were neglected or shamed, etc? I've contrived that a core role in developing ASPD is a lack of power. Or perhaps maybe being given too much so -- like compensating for an irresponsible parent.
Theoretically, those could account for a need to exert force over others' rights & a refusal to accept personal responsibility.

[Demon]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

And as for the defense thing, that's kind of what I meant. Of course there are exceptions to the rule. But I was specificslly referring to when -- as you've mentioned -- the drives/fantasies become encompassing. I get the same way quite often; where I feel an exaggeration of my baseline levels of aggression & defensiveness.
This is just a theory I have & I've been wanting for a while to run it by someone else diagnosed... But you know how most PDs are derived from recurring feelings/situations that create a negative schema? Borderlines were abandoned, narcs/histrionics were neglected or shamed, etc? I've contrived that a core role in developing ASPD is a lack of power. Or perhaps maybe being given too much so -- like compensating for an irresponsible parent.
Theoretically, those could account for a need to exert force over others' rights & a refusal to accept personal responsibility.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Every personality disorder has it's own defense mechanism, even AsPD.

Here is a list of defense mechanisms I found online for Cluster B personality disorders:

Histrionic Personality Disorder
--Denial
--Identification
--Somatization
--Repression
--Acting out
--Fantasy of love and attention
--Dissociation
--Regression

Borderline Personality Disorder
--Splitting
--Projective identification
--Acting out

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
--Splitting
--Over-idealization and devaluation (envy)
--Projective identification
--Fantasy of grandiosity and behavior
--Acting out

Antisocial Personality Disorder
--Projection
--Externalization
--Rationalization
--Acting out
--(Superego deficits)

The antisocial defense mechanisms are the ones I can definitely relate to the most. I've had a lot of anger issues in the past and projected that anger onto others. I rarely take responsibility for my actions. I'm always throwing the blame on others, but that's usually because I truly believe they are at fault. I've also been known to throw the blame on someone else in order to get myself out of trouble as well though, whether they're at fault or not. I don't have a sense of loyalty to anyone. If I commit a crime with someone and we get caught, you can guarantee I'll throw them to the wolves if it means saving myself.

What's interesting in the list above though is the splitting defense mechanism for BPD and NPD. I have some traits of NPD and a couple of BPD ones, but not enough to have either disorder. The splitting thing does kinda relate to my duel personality because I feel like my personality has split into two opposite identities, except that I don't view myself or others as 'good' or 'bad'/'evil'.

While I can relate to the whole Jekyll and Hyde personality thing that I mentioned in an earlier post, I personally don't put moral value on anything, nor do I have black and white thinking. Then again, I don't know, maybe I do. After all, I have a predator/prey view of the world.

Well, anyway, I know I don't have BPD, but maybe I have more NPD in me than I realized, since splitting relates to that as well.

Interesting lists!

I'd group "blaming others because I truly think they are at fault" into denial. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's another diagnosis -- perfectly sane people have mechanisms too. They just don't encompass most, if not all, factors of their existence. So that could just be one of those extraneous things.

But yeah, I see where you're coming from. As far as my last psychologist was concerned, I'm primarily NPD with ASPD & some Schizoid features thrown in there. Though I kind of contest that last one. I'm seeing a new person now & I anticipate their interpretation... It's entertaining & only mildly invasive.

BPD & ASPD have some traits in common, with different motivators. It would be nice if the underlying pathology were highlighted instead of a single-dimensional "behaviour" approach. I think it'd be easier to keep behaviours under control if the thoughts/feelings underneath were dealt with. It's like treating a broken leg with painkillers & neglecting to reset the bone.

Even if you don't have a "moral" view of the world in a conventional sense, you do have one. Consider the post you recently made about whether or not someone deserves to be punished or abused.

[Demon]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Even if you don't have a "moral" view of the world in a conventional sense, you do have one. Consider the post you recently made about whether or not someone deserves to be punished or abused.

How does that relate to morality though?

To say that some people 'deserve' to be abused is not really about morality. I wasn't judging anyone as 'bad' and claiming they deserve it for that reason. All I was basically saying is, if someone purposefully makes the choice to put themself in a dangerous situation, then it's their own fault if something happens to them.

[IndieVisible]

I definitely relate to a lot of the cluster B traits. Honestly I can't say I'm more of one then another. But any way regarding the dual personalities. I feel more like a shape shifter, I can become different personalities when needed. Not separate like DIDs but like just change, some times at will some times automatically but I remain my own mind, just change skins.

[HealingNSuffering]

I can relate Demon, I have Complex-PTSD and do the same thing you are talking about, I feel like I'm at least 2 people, maybe more living inside the same body. When I'm hyper-vigilant I'm that compassionate, caring, considerate, loving person sort of like you mentioned and I also feel emotions more intensely. Then when I'm detached/disassociated/numb I feel nothing at all and tend towards being a trouble maker. Sometimes I'll cause mischief just to have the adrenalin rush so I can feel anything at all, then I feel hollow which is better than feeling nothing at all. Tragedy effects me in different ways at different times, sometimes going from numb and hyper-vigilant seems to happen for no reason especially if I'm already feeling detached. Since the trauma didn't effect me at all at first, its like I have a delayed reaction to having empathy for myself, not just other people.

[RogueWolf]

I find this very interesting. Not something I expected to find here at all. For a long time I have felt that I have 2 personalities or 2 people in one. It's harder for me to explain though. I had no idea what it related to but very interesting to find someone in aspd forum has it since I tried to tell doctors who told me I have borderline pd they were wrong- Borderlines annoy me I have a borderline neighbour who is a total B***H. It's odd cos it's not like 2 fully separate people as in mulitiple personality disorder way, it's more like 2 intertwined and fully aware halves of myself. One is very mischevious and tricky and dark and quite vicious when provoked the other is more normal I guess or more stable. It's not like a good and bad side. More like a normal person and a more animalistic,dark one fused together into being me. Alter ego ha ha. It makes me think if that's what they mean by Dexters 'dark passenger' on that show lol keep in mind I'm not diagnosed with aspd