Boredom

I've been noticing that boredom can cause my "antisocial traits" to surface a bit more. Can anyone else relate to this at all?

Definitely. A lot of my antisocial behavior has been a result of sheer boredom.

Same, for me that's the root behind most of my actions (entertainment). It isn't really a problem for me, but it's just something I noticed and was wondering if others could relate. I just have been noticing lately since I've been unemployed my "bad" behavior has been surfacing a bit more, and I suspect it's the boredom more than anything else.

It's not really a big deal for me, either. But like you I also noticed the pattern. I'm pretty notorious for doing something to liven things up when I'm bored, lol.

Same, sometimes I think the whole reason I'm bored to begin with is because I'm trying to ignore a piece of me. I only get bored when I try to act "normal." I don't know if that makes any sense, but it feels like a pretty deep concept in my head

I'm the exact same way, lol. It makes perfect sense to me. When you're acting "normal", you're denying who you really are. For people like you and me, that leads to boredom, which is the antisocial version of "discontent". That's how I think about it anyway.

Definitely makes sense to me. No one is happy unless they are being themselves, and repressing a part of yourself leaves a void. The longer that void sits, the more you want to fill it again.

Exactly, and hiding our true selves is necessary to get by in society.

It's an interesting little catch22 isn't it?

It sure is, but I think the real problem is when we try to hide that bit of ourselves, from ourselves, if that makes sense at all. I'm trying to think of how to elaborate, but it's hard to find the wording (I haven't slept in two nights pretty much, there is a flying squirrel in my wall)

I think I get what you're saying.

When you are constantly wearing a mask of normalcy, you can almost lose yourself in the process in a weird way. If that makes sense.

yeah that makes sense, but it's not quite what I'm trying to convey. I can't figure out this wording! I think what I was trying to say kind of fits into that analogy: Once you stop wearing the mask, and start trying to be the mask, you cause that "void" because there is still something underneath.

So if I'm understanding correctly, you get so lost in trying to act "normal" that you forget who you are at times(trying to "be the mask", as it were) and therefore become bored and otherwise dissatisfied?

If I'm not making sense, it's because I'm going on basically no sleep at the moment as well. Lol.

Yeah that's pretty much exactly what I mean haha sometimes I get so caught up in impressions and such I forget what is making me do it all to begin with.

I know what you mean. This has become less of a problem for me over time, but yeah I can still at times get so caught up in wearing the mask that I forget myself for a moment... but the void always makes its presence known and reminds me of who I really am underneath all the BS I put out to society at large to go by unnoticed. Heh.

Yeah I have faith in that (the "Void" bringing me back to reality) but still, usually I end up doing something not so pleasant or destructive before I catch myself. I'm sure it's the same for any disorder really, just ours is a bit more...involved i'd say

Definitely. I agree.

I used to do violent or boldly outrageous things to staunch boredom and I could never do enough to maintain that stimulation during my late teens and early 20's. What would elicit fear in others made me giddy and excited, like a 4 year old getting a toy he has always wanted. I used to especially enjoy personal conflict with other people because WINNING conflicts was extremely gratifying, like playing a chess game except the pieces are other people, and their emotions, or regulations and loopholes. Each game is unique because everybody is different, and learning how to build leverage and establish fear and take control is a learning experience, and I found my education in those lessons. In short, I evolved from impulsively violent stimulation to finding stimulation in manipulation. Then, in my 40's, boredom ceased to torment me. It's like I burned out. I don't manipulate unless I find myself in a conflict situation at work in which someone else tries to manipulate me or step on me, in which case I view them as fair game: my response is always merciless revenge with a smile...within the bounds of the law. There are many ways to skin a cat. And I have always hated bullies; I get a thrill out of reducing a predator into a victim.

I have to admit though, even though I try to avoid conflict at work---because there is no profit in it---when it finds me I still bubble up inside and get a rush that makes my eyes roll, because I know it is going to be fun, and I know I will win, no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes. Snakey stuff happens in the workplace and sometimes a fella has to has to have dragons up the sleeve to ensure the game stays fair. One supervisor asked me not too long ago if I remembered telling him years ago that I had the memory of an elephant, which was a quintessentially "me" remark (a vague, legally unprovable threat). My response was, "I believe in forgiving and forgetting." I made eye contact with him to show I meant it, then I smiled wickedly and qualified by last statement. "After I have had my revenge, all is forgiven, and forgotten." He smiled too and shook his head. "I won't even remember the revenge," I said. "It's easier to pass a polygraph that way."

I am grateful I learned conflict avoidance techniques when I did. I was a ship half-sunk in a whirlpool of bad mistakes. It was just pure luck I met an old man in his 60's when I was in my mid 20's, who served as a mentor. Smartest man I ever met...also the most dangerous man I ever met or heard of, a combination that made him even more spooky. It wasn't out of generosity that he endured the frustration of training me to behave: it was self-serving, at least at first. I was helping him write an autobiography. I quickly discovered that he amused me more than I amused myself (and until then, I was the only one who could amuse me). Now the amusement bar is so high I can only achieve it vicariously. Needless to say, this man's idea of avoiding boredom quite often resulted in someone else "giving up the ghost" as he put it. I thought "I" loved control through fear, and I thought I had an anger problem coupled with a need for revenge. Noooooo. He used people like me, and people more violent than me, as pieces in a greater game of control through fear. Yet smart enough to never get convicted of murder (not guilty by the reason of insanity a few times, but never a criminal conviction for murder). When they realized he had feigned insanity and was not a paranoid schizophrenic, he was later uniformly diagnosed as a sociopath with chronic aggressive tendencies. And that's really what he was. Anyways when his lawyer advised him that he could be sued again and lose all profits from his book, he decided to ****-can the project. But I still have everything. Articles about his escapes, about suspicious deaths around him, hillarious write ups from his prison and state hospital file, psyche evaluations including extremely hostile evaulations in which the treating psychologist recommended cyanide for medication. And, his life story from his own lips. He strongly urged me never to kill, because he knew I would love it and wouldn't be able to stop. And it's a different age, you know. It's not the 50's, 60's, 70's or even 80's in a prison that is steeped in old ways. Now at least one out of three people is a rat, and if caught they can simply bury you in solitary till you die. Instead, he urged me to learn the art of "two-face-ism." I grew so close to him that I cried in my pillow at night on the day he was finally released. In my 10 years in prison, that was the first and only time I cried. I still miss him. I miss his wry humor and his "isms." For instance, "don't lose your head over your job." Innocent enough? Coming from a man who killed a guard in the state hospital, this saying is a perfect example of his own unique humor.

I am sorry for digressing. I owe my impulse control to behavior codes he taught me, and now my relationship with boredom is relatively uneventful.

Yeah, I can definitely relate to that.

For me it works like this:

Boredom --> Frustration --> aggression

I'm bored almost all the time, which can be quite frustrating in itself. The frustration leads to aggression and violent urges.

For me boredom leads to changing interests and sometimes friends fast, but I have never got involved into illegal acts. Now my biggest boredom comes when I'm at school, but still I don't skip class.

Since an antisocial postures as being highly intelligent and is a victim of fate, I ask you have these definitions captured your essence of "normal" as it pertains to the discussion of boredom?

You know... I think this can be said about many people. Even when a child gets bored, he or she can get into trouble and cause problems for herself/himself or others.



Things like this are fundamental to understand.

Emotions work as a tool to allow us to mature. They hurt YOU when we do something that does not work for us (or others). They reward us when we do something good for ourselves or others.


When we don't mature we tend to act like a child

Those of us who lack them, lose out on this experience and have to find other ways to learn. Warding off boredom without emotions can be very difficult if not impossible at times. This can lead to very bad things that get us and others into trouble.

Solution: Solitude.

You see what I mean, Matt?

Spark, your obsession with me and your own beliefs about me based on what I tell you is astounding. That being said, wouldn't someone lacking them not care about bad things?

Lol it's like you're almost psychic or something , this is my exact cycle. I don't "come back to reality" typically until I end up doing something really destructive/reckless/whatever and then I have a light bulb moment of sorts and I'm like... Oh, right; there's the void yep it's still there and here I am back to my Self. Anyways, moving on!

An being ASPD, you don't learn things easily. You make the same mistakes? knowing that the thrill will be over soon and then you need something else. That is the boredom aspect, right?

Becoming bored easily?

It's mostly that I tend to find myself in the same sort of trouble over and over again, it's like I just can't learn from actions that cause me difficulty very easily because my mind is far more focused on rewards than punishments so I end up doing whatever not thinking about possible negative consequences until it's all over, lol. And yes, many of my antisocial antics that land me in the same sorts of trouble over and over are indeed the result of boredom.