[peixes]

hi everyone. i'm new. i don't have an official dx of ASPD, but i've been puppeteering and strategically lying my way through life as long as i can remember. reading the diagnostic criteria gave me a "oh wow, there's a word for the thing i always do" feeling. i've done some vile things to people. but this thread is about a specific thing.

i have a cheating problem. not sure if i actually ever feel attachment or fulfillment in relationships, but i am addicted to the feeling of men being in love with me and how they treat me. i started a relationship with a very nice dude, and kept myself loyal for 8 months through willpower, and then i started slipping a couple of months ago.

currently i think i'm seeing 4-5 people, and no one was onto me, but i went to the bathroom last night and i'm 90% sure Guy B opened a messenger app that i did not open, to a conversation with the most long-term guy (Guy A). i feel weirded out at the lack of guilt, and i keep obsessing about how Guy B must feel. he didn't feel into sex that night, was slightly quieter, but also didn't seem upset and didn't bring it up.

is it normal to have a fear of being caught or called out? is it the same thing as remorse? i still would do the same thing, but better or sneakier next time. he just sent me a text with lots of hearts, asking if we can see eachother again. i'm finding it unusually hard to read his mind. if he knows, shouldn't he lash out? it's what i would do.

i feel like i do these things out of boredom. i do it to give my life dimension and conflict, but also a goal and a reward. does anyone else do evil things that they, deep down, know they will one day be caught for and punished for? i don't think i deserve punishment, i think getting punished means you weren't smart enough.

P.S. if you think i DON'T sound like a person with ASPD, that information would be helpful to me. i'm in a weird insurance situation right now and can't seek dx for a month or so.

P.P.S. i do require STI tests before engaging anyone physically, before anyone brings that up, haha