[Falloween]

To start out, I’m 14 years old and a girl. I’m not an adult and I've never truly harmed somebody. The most I've gone is hitting somebody when I was fighting with my sibiling. The rest are all fantasizes that go on inside my head. Anyway, let me tell you about my symptoms.

It all started when I was a young kid, maybe in pre school. I'd imagine these little people, I called them "bean people." i'd lay in my bed and dream of getting them all and putting them in a hot boiling pot. As the years went by, I'd imagine something else that would look more realistic. When I was about 5 or 6, I ripped the heads off of one of my little dolls. I got this bigger doll just because of how she looked. I thought she was kind of ugly, so I got a marker and made her even more ugly. Then I'd put her in weird positions and pretend to hurt her.

When I was in 1st grade, it was the worst. There was this one girl in my class, I once took her little doll, her scarf, her lunch box, and hid it all in my desk. i felt so powerful and I liked it until she started mentioning it gone. Afraid the teacher would see it, I one day took it all out and threw it on the floor. She was happy they were back. I pretended to be her friend but when I was sitting in back of her with my friend, I'd pull her hair or kick her in the back "by mistake." I imagined that if I was the teacher, I'd keep her after school and hurt her.

In 3rd grade my friend had a friend that was younger. Nights after that I'd fantasize about a little girl being in my house. I'd lock her up and stuff. The crying would make me happy.

This sounds horrible to you, but I really truely couldn't control it and I didn't ever act on it. Now, I really don't like babies and don't like kids either. I don't want to ever married or anything like that, but I still have some symptoms of things.

I lie. A lot. When I was 10, i got in trouble with the police and Lied to their face. I kept doing the same mistakes over and over again, and i wouldn't have a problem with lying to my close friends or family. Over the years, it got worse. Just a few months ago, I stopped being friends with my fake online "friends." We were good friends until I "changed" (which I didn't, they just claim that). I'd make new accounts online to talk to them as different people to find out their honest opinion about me. I didn't think they were telling me everything. They soon found out it was me and I'd get mad and deny it. I'd cause so much trouble as you would tell me I brought it upon myself. I feel like lying is fun, I don't know what it is. It brings me excitement. Another thing is there's this girl i know and she's very quiet (like I am). But I couldn't stop saying bad things to her and stuff. I forced a password out of her and used her account to talk to those "friends" trying to find out their honest opinion about me and stuff. They found out it was me and I'd keep denying it. They'd call me a manipulative person. I didn't feel bad for the girl, but I just told her to change the password and not give it again. I stopped being mean to the girl but I still don't feel bad.

Ever since I was little, when Iwould get into fights with my family and insult people, I never felt bad. I just learned to say "sorry" because my sibilings did and I thought I wouldn't be in trouble anymore. The only time I feel sorry is when somebody gets so upset they say they're going to pass out. I then get worried more than feel bad.

Another thing is when i was little and to now, I'd get mad in public around people and never get embarrassed. It was like they weren't there. My parents would ask me why I never get embarrassed and I said I just don't. When I get mad, I get violent sometimes but take it out on objects.

Sometimes on the news I'd hear about things like babies being thrown out and my family would get sad and almost cry. I wouldn't think of it much. Sometimes I would laugh since I don't like babies much. they cry too much. Also, when I'm watching a horror movie and somebody gets killed in a certain way, Id laugh too but I'd try to stop it to not sound weird.

The other weird thing is - animals. They're my favorite things in the world. I would never hurt them. When I get mad, they help me a lot. People? They make me more angry.

When I get mad, I sit with my cat or dog and fantasize about paying back people I hate.

Im also pretty antisocial in real life also.

What's wrong with me? I know I sound really sick to many of you but I can't help it. Again, I won't hurt anybody and never did. Can somebody help me out?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Falloween: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. There can be a lot of support available here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become.

We here on PC cannot diagnose you. Our purpose is to provide one another with support as well as to share information & experiences. I in particular would lack the knowledge base to offer you any kind of accurate appraisal of what it is that's going on with you. Perhaps other members may have some insights they can share.

From my perspective, the important thing here is that you have some things going on that are of concern to you. It also sounds, from what you wrote, that some of the things you have found yourself doing have compromised, or at least complicated, friendships as well as other relationships in your life. So my thinking would be that you might well benefit from talking this all though with a counselor or mental health therapist.

In the meantime, here's a link to an article from PC's archives with regard to APD. Perhaps it can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/a...rder-symptoms/

Also here's a link to a YouTube video family therapist Kati Morton did on the subject of Antisocial Personality Disorder:

I wish you well...