Know I know what's wrong, how do I "fix" me

Well here goes...........
I’ve always thought there was something “wrong” with me, just never able to put my finger on it. A couple of days ago I was watching a show. It’s one that I watch frequently and one of the characters was accused of being a sociopath. Her character is portrayed as callous, unremorseful, and a manipulative liar. She’s having an affair, her husband doesn’t know about and she can’t figure out why her marriage is failing.
I was watching it with my husband and it took every once of me not to break down cry. That’s me in a nutshell. Later on after he went to bed I started looking on the internet, it was a slap in the face realization. I read a list of characteristics and completely lost it. Almost everything on that list was either something that I’ve done or relates to how I feel, or should I say how I don’t feel.
I’ve been married for less than two years but I’ve been with my husband for almost seven years. Within that time I’ve cheated, lied, stole stuff, and have become more negative person. We fight a lot and he says things like, why does it always have to be all about you, or you’ve become the most selfish person I’ve ever met, or how come I’m always last on your list. I end up getting defensive, because to me I don’t feel that way at all. I just have a numb feeling towards him and the whole situation. He some times travels for work and when he’ll call to tell me that he misses me, I tell him that I miss him to but deep down I don’t. I some times feel guilty because I should miss him, I should want him to come home. I feel guilty because I don’t feel that way.
This is the first time that I’ve ever shared any of this. Like others that have posted, I was seeing a shrink but never told her the “whole truth” for fear that she would think less of me, or that she would see the real me. And I don’t always like that person so who else would. Then I think she’s not my friend, she’s not getting paid to judge me, and she’s here to help. I’ve always been a strong willed person, and my stubbornness has probably been my weakness. If I don’t know what’s wrong how anyone else is going to. I’m not against getting help I just don’t know how to tell some one the deepest darkest things about myself that I don’t even like acknowledge myself.

I (recently) got diagnosed with 2 PDs: antisocial and narcissistic.

Myself, the only time I've cried is either when I faked crying in order to get something or someone or when I injured myself when I was extremely young and more or less in a nice amount of pain. However, I can see someone cry on TV or in real life and I feel nothing, complete emptiness. Generally, you'll get diagnosed with a conduct disorder before age 18, then later, if you're able to, you then get the nice diagnosis of antisocial PD (not sure if it's possible to get the diagnosis without a conduct disorder).

Also, I do not feel remorse, guilt, empathy, etc... . I can hurt some old frail lady, laugh in her face yet not care one bit about her nor feel any remorse towards her.

As with any PD, it'd be displayed towards everyone yet you seem to describe it only towards one person. This doesn't sound exactly like antisocial, especially due to the emotions and guilt. It seems more like borderline, histronic or something else, perhaps not even a PD.

I wouldn’t be able to physically hurt some one on purpose or anything like that. For the most part I like people. But some times I wonder how much my ADD medication helps/hides some of my feelings. When I’m on it my mood is usually a ton better than if I’m not on it. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and since then have excelled in my job. That part of my life it great, but I make it that way because I some times feel like that’s the one thing that I have control over. Because so many other things I feel like I don’t.
I keep reading that issues like this are “resistant” to treatment and that scares me. Deep down I want to be a better wife, moral person and friend to my husband. But when situations arise it’s so hard to resist temptations. And having a part time bartending job doesn’t help. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I have no conscious to say no, and no remorse or guilt if some thing happens.
Another aspect that I don’t understand is why I take things out on him. He seems to be the one that takes the brunt of what ever is bothering me. But in the end if we are fighting I never feel bad or guilty about it. Almost like deep down I blame him for the things that I do. Things aren’t great at home so that’s his fault.
Putting this into words makes me feel better, but I know it’s not going to change things long term. That’s what I struggle with the most. Because I know the things that I do he won’t find out about so in my mind it’s ok. As long as he doesn’t know how can it hurt him.

Sounds like your relationship is over and you dont want to admit it.

"As long as he doesn’t know how can it hurt him."

He will find out, eventually, even if he doesnt there are loads of ways it could "hurt". It is unsafe to sleep around and not tell your partner, eg, there are lots of STIs that you could contract and "share". Safe sex is not completely safe.

There's a difference between no conscious to say "no" and "no conscious". Myself, and other people with APD have the no conscious, that is, when I look at someone or go to do something, it's about what I want. I do what I want regardless of how much it hurts the other person, even if I am aware of the pain of the other person(s).

I have no personal experience with the ADD medication, so I cannot help you on that.

About blaming the husband, that seems to be characteristic of a crumbling relationship, narcissistic PD or APD. Myself, I blame others for certain things. For other things, even if I know it is my fault, I may manipulate the person into believing it's their fault, simply for the sheer hell of it or getting a benefit out of it. In all of what you've written, you haven't exactly mentioned manipulation, which is key in APD.

When it says it's resistant, it means for any PD, since it's been with you for so long, it's not only what you know but also what you are. Take for example someone with schizoid PD. You go to give them treatment but it's going to be difficult for a variety of reasons, all or most of which will revolve around the behaviors and personality being what the person is and what they know. So, when you attempt to change it, you have to change essentially the person's entire life for a PD then substitute something else in place and ensure that it sticks.

So, back to the schizoid PD. Let's say the person is, 22 years old. To change them, you'd have to change ~15 or so years (assuming that for the first few years of life, they weren't born with schizoid PD) of that person. Thus, the longer the person has it, the harder it's going to be.

For me, I've been in therapies attempting to "teach" me emotions. I know what the emotions are, I see them probably better than the average joe in others, however, I feel none of them. When I try to learn, I get confused because I should apparently feel something yet I'm sitting there empty.

I too know what's right and what's wrong in society, what's legal and illegal. I have my own set of personal laws or morals that I adhere to, sometimes breaking them but not very often.

For me, it's more or less of an automatic "I don't care about [person]". Even if they find out, oh well, I resort to either lying almost perfectly, manipulation or, I tell the truth. When I tell the truth, which actually is quite often, it's in part of how I say it and using some truth to a lie. When I say it's in how, it involves faking the emotions, which is what is usual for me, then using body language. Also, without meaning to gloat, I will admit that I am rather intelligent and I do learn about something before doing it (usually). I am impulsive on quite a few things, however, when it comes to deliberately doing something, then I wait, learn the "rules of the game", learn the rules of the person(s), then I go in. So, if something goes wrong, then I knew what is acceptable, what is not, what doing something will lead me into, etc... .

So, getting back to the not caring, it's not something I choose to do, it's what the general result or reaction is. I know that doing something may be completely wrong legally and go against someone's ethics and morals, however, it tends to be a simple "I don't care about [thing/person]" but rather how it effects me.

Your husband not knowing something can very well affect him. It can effect indirectly or him sensing that something isn't right. He may be unable to say exactly what, however, he could sense that you're hiding something but be so used to it by now that he'll let it slide, lie to himself, etc... .

Hi there, you got big stuff going on babe!!.......Greyness is right......more like something else.......

With ADD, have you been tested for Aspergers? Your symptoms sound vaguely familiar........I do not have APD. I have borderline PD, schizoeffective and sprinklings of bipolar. I wonder if you need to start opening up to your T. It is infinitely hard. I have done things that were labelled "psycopathic" and it took me a LONG time to admit them to my T. I have been in and out of therapy for 15 years and I am still spilling my guts.

Stop being so hard on yourself........you cannot manufacture what isn't there. But with the right help, I believe anyone can find their way out of the "paper bag". Do not measure your feelings or lack of, by societies standards. You cannot. I am misanthropic but i have a select few people in my life that are true gems. Thats all you need. But I had to work hard to get there.

I like my misanthropy, I do not suffer fools gladly and i don't hurt people anymore. Not intentionally anyway. You may not feel what you want but there is spirit in your process. It will not desert you.

have faith babe, get the help, participate in the process and don't beat yourself up if sometimes you can't. Ask yourself what you want from your relationship(honestly!!) and know that as all things are in flux, this too will change.

Good luck........

How do you feel about other people besides your husband? Do you have feelings if someone gets hurt, or dies? If all of your symptoms or lack of feelings, are related to your husband, then it's more likely a relationship problem. If it's only with medication, then it's most likely to be medication-related. But if it is all the time, no matter what the circumstances, then it might be a personality disorder.

It's rare for people with antisocial personality disorder to be very concerned about how they affect other people. That you are concerned about it at the minumum means that there is hope for you, and might mean that you don't have this particular disorder.