[shoez]

I dont know if this might trigger. Be cautious I guess? I dont go into detail about anything anyway.

13 days until I see T for the first time.
I am losing it. I am just getting worse, last night. I was sooo freaked out, I felt like I wasnt in the present..I wasnt having memories I wasnt "going" anywhere but I just felt CRAZY. I felt like any moment I would snap. And dont laugh at me but I couldnt calm down until I like...sucked my thumb like a baby and fell asleep. Today, I left my house GOING CRAZY. This guy was unloading things from some truck and It made me jump everytime I heard the boxes go down. Then I felt like my wrists were being tightened, because my dad used to hold me up by my wrists when he was ready to hurt me. Then my neck started tingling and hurting when I heard someone loudly close thier door, because my dad used to hold my neck, Im so scared. I have NEVER EVER EVER been this paranoid in my life!, I mean have always been afraid of my mothers "angry" voice or hearing her near my room...sometimes that triggers, sometimes things trigger...but its just getting worse and worse its not just from the abuse with my dad its all the other people that hurt me and its just piling up!!!!! and thank God I havent had anything "full blown" since a few days ago, but Im just exploding.

I havent even seen this T before, what am I supposed to do, run into her office the first time , completely break "protocol" and just plead with her to help me like some mad woman! ARGH Idkkkk!!

I know no one here can really do anything, but I just think maybe if I post aobut this I will just forget about it until I see my T. I want people to think im "calm collected and intelligent" or "happy go-lucky" BUT MY MASKS ARENT WORKING. I need to pull myself together so I dont make a fool of myself! omg!

[kadesgirl09]

i totally feel you... i dont have a t right now but i feel like when i do she/he is going to be in for a mojor earful because im falling apart inside. im sorry to hear all the things your going through.. just know your not alone and if you want to chat im here.

[feary]

You are suffering from PTSD sounds like. you should look it up if you haven't yet. I have it. wish you well.

Hello, shoez. Have you been screened for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=15

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pos...6/METHOD=print

[shoez]

PTSD? I thought that was for people who have been in wars?
But if I have PTSD, why is it happening "now"? I mean, I have always been jumpy and all but this is ridiculous. I have never had it this bad. Does PTSD just get worse?! Im sorry, Im just so panicked about all of this. Its leaving me in all this pain.

[Lisa Michelle]

shoez - I'm really glad to hear you have a therapy appointment set up. I know you have to wait a little while for it, but just think, things CAN start to get better from here. It will take a long time, you have a lot to work through but there is help for it and you can feel better than you do now.

I can see you're quite scared and freaked out. But just know that the days will pass quickly, you've been waiting this long and I know you can wait just a little bit longer. Try to talk to people in the mean time, friends/family or on here. It should make you feel a bit better to get things out.

I know it's tempting to wear a mask, but it's ok for the mask to slip, it's ok that sometimes you're not doing so well - anyone in your situation would be the same. It's not you as a person, it's the experiences you've been through, and you just need a little help to feel better.

You'll get there. Just try to calm down a little. Take deep breaths when you begin to panic, try to rationalise the situation.
Do you have any activities that you enjoy that might calm your nerves a bit? I find distracting myself from the negative thoughts is a really good thing... even though I don't often find the motivation to do it, but when I do it makes a huge difference.

When I'm feeling particularly anxious I love to go out in the countryside. There's just something calming about being somewhere relatively quiet and so beautiful. Do you have anywhere you can go to? When I was having a really bad few weeks last year my flatmate took me to the mountains for a weekend, and of course it didn't cure me but I was able to breath finally and I felt a lot better, just to get away from normal life for a couple of days and see things more clearly.

I wish you well hun, hope you're feeling a bit better x sorry to write so much also, I do tend to ramble.

You are in my thoughts, shoez.

[susan888]

(((Shoez)))

I am sorry for the past you are reliving....PSTD is not just for those that fought in wars through the military. A lot of us have fought through wars in our childhoods. Good for you for seeking help. You are showing a lot of courage to do that. Sending you peaceful, calming thoughts and much understanding.

[ruffy]

Shoez...I felt anxiety similar to yours when my Doc. put me on too high a dose of my antidepressant. Could this be happening to you? Acute Mania? It felt just awful. Everything around me was so overstimulating. I thought I was just going to jump out of my skin. Any changes in your meds lately? Do you have anything you can take for anxiety like Ativan or Xanax? Please call your Doc. ASAP I cant even imagine you going on like this another day! Now Im anxious! Get help soon, and yes call your T and schedule an emergency appt. Please keep us posted. Hugs

[Willow13]

wow, shoez, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've so many of the feelings you've described: the mask, the hanging on for dear life, the feeling of unreality...you describe it to a tee.

We've been through different traumas, but please know that others do understand. Keep hanging on--there is great support here until you can get to the therapist !!!!

[Hippie]

((((Shoez)))) I feel for you,sweetie. I know exactly what it's like to have our startle reflex set on high. I too just found out from my therapist that PTSD can come from early abuse and that explains a lot of our reactions.
Am wishing you all the best and glad you have an appointment with a therapist.

[WePow]

((((((((( shoez )))))))))) Just go slowly into this. Get to know T and allow yourself a little time to build trust. And do what you talked about with getting away to a peaceful place when you need to do so.

[capecrew]

i Know what you mean about wearing a mask. i almost have to make a new one everyday just to interact normally with other people. it sucks because it fells like im not creating a p[ermanent solution just a temporary one that ill have to renew the next day...

I havent even seen this T before, what am I supposed to do, run into her office the first time , completely break "protocol" and just plead with her to help me like some mad woman! ARGH Idkkkk!!

If that is what it takes to get better, do it, shoez.

[Stranger2]

Why don't yoou write out a list about what you want to talk about.. You don't have to tell her/him everything in your first session.. Pick a subject on your list and just talk about that.. In time you will build a bond with your "T"... I have been seeing mine for five years and she remembers stuff I said five years ago..Don't be afraid, they won't hurt you..

[yutzman]

If you feel like you should hit the T with everything your feeling all at once, by all means DO IT.......thats what they are for!......They will understand, and if they don't, find another that does....they are working FOR you....not the other way around.....Good Luck......Y

[Perna]

When I went back to see my therapist for the first time after not being in therapy for 8-10 years, we couldn't make an appointment until two weeks later and that's what I did, just went in and dumped on her the first time. She even commented that her head was spinning afterwards :-)

A lot of your anxiety is about going to see the therapist and what you'll say and how it will be and how do you sort through all this and pick and choose and if you start here she'll be lost because you have to start there but there's too much to start there and you forgot the other. . .

It's hard to do, but accept that that's how it is and will be for awhile. Very uncomfortable but not permanent.